Jump to content
<?php echo esc_attr( get_bloginfo( 'name' ) ); ?>
Lalaloopsy

Second cousin confusion

Recommended Posts

Hi,

I guess I’m here kinda for advice but a little bit to just get my issues off my chest. I’ve confided in a few friends and their reactions vary a great deal.

My mom was adopted and at the weekend we went to meet some extended biological family that we hadn’t met before. Right from the get go I instantaneously clicked with my second cousin, we had instant chemistry, we have similar personalities and likes/dislikes/moral values. We laughed a lot, at times I felt like just reaching out and grabbing his hand. I didn’t want to say goodbye and when we did I gave him the biggest hug. 

I’d already added him on Facebook so we can keep in touch as he’s nearly an hour away on public transport. We’ve spoken a lot since and have touched on how we feel. I won’t go into details of the messages, but he’s said he thinks we would get on in other ways (besides friends) and if only we weren’t related. From what he said, he feels the same about me if not even more strongly. However he feels that second cousins are still cousins and therefore he’s not comfortable with it. I’ve respected this and want to remain friends with him at least. I know the moral side comes into play and people feel differently about these kinds of relationships, I know I shouldn’t want to change how he feels. But I feel so strongly about him. I’m in my early thirties and have been through relationships that I’ve wanted desperately to work, I’ve wanted the spark there, and it hasn’t happened. I don’t want to just disregard how we feel about each other because I know it’s rare to find. He’s in his late twenties. I want to shake his shoulders and tell him that feelings like this don’t come around very often. I wasn’t sure if his feelings of being second cousins were because it’s a new ideology to him and something to wrap our heads around or whether there is no wiggle room. I don’t want to make him withdraw from our friendship by talking about it again, at least not too soon.

Do I just walk away and remain friends with him? I guess that’s the logical thing, but my emotions are all caught up in this at the moment.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, I'm looking for advice also... but I would like to at least leave my opinion. I think you guys should maybe plan a date to just hang out, something casual, like maybe going to see a movie, going to the mall or if either of you have your own space (housing) maybe you could invite him for dinner or something along those lines. But I really hope he becomes more fond of the idea of you guys being together. There are lots of people who are just 2 souls in love that just happen to be cousins. Hence the creation of this website. But i really wish you the best of luck!  hopefully you could share some advice under my post (I'm really hoping to have someone give their opinion and their advice maybe it'll help me out)  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Second cousins are not genetically related anymore.  You can marry and have children without any worries.  There are no laws in the U.S. preventing 2nd cousins from marrying.  Read the information about cousin-marriage on this website and share it with him. :)

Good luck :)

Ambra

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m in the same boat age and gender wise with my first cousin, and even tho I can imagine us together I fully back off...

(I’ve been involved w another man for 10y now engaged) 

I want to be more of a ‘big cousin’  in his life forever than a romantic option because of his culture and obv my own commitments.

i came to seek my own advice cause I sporadically touch or manhandle him in a very g rated way that already makes me feel guilty ? in front of his mum who I’m most scared of. Carryover from childhood...

If he’s weirded out by elevating the relationship I would suggest getting on the big girl boots and just being a good close friend

and potentially befriending any girl he really brings home to the family :) I’ve always found that female camaraderie heals ALL, in case things don’t work out

there isn’t a girl on the planet you can’t be friends with. Sorry for the double negative  

good luck! Always let guys go ‘hunt’ when they get to this point. Sometimes they come back within a week, sometimes within a lifetime :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’ll also add that I don’t like that you are coming into this situation from relationships that you wanted “so desperately” to work. 

Its very important to ‘let’ men put a lot of effort into a serious/LtR, cousin or not. 

I am not calling you desperate the way you called yourself inadvertently...rather, consider that you are depriving them of all of those problem solving strategy thingies they like so much.

Men are awesome and can sometimes come up with just as good solutions or overcome challenges like we can.

Esp in this day and age I think they really need to have that gold star ,and we get our own for patience not interrupting 

Edited by SilentE
Typo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At least your cousin was respectful about it. My cousin not only rejected me, but also had her family and other relatives grill me on it. What's worse is that she even added some lies to make me look bad in their eyes. They are one of the worst people I have ever met in my life and I don't ever want to see any of them again.

You, on the other hand, have a chance with your cousin. Maybe not now, but try to open up the topic again. If you and your cousin have religious beliefs, bring that to the discussion. Also, bring up some of the state laws in regards to cousin marriages (second cousin marriages are legal in all of the US and in much of the world).

If all of the above fail, then forget about your cousin and move on. Life is short - spend it with those that you love and those that love you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Allison

I had an experience with an attraction between a second cousin I met as an adult too. He said the same thing about not wanting more because of the relation. I sensed (still do) he likes me and always will but it’s his decision to either pursue it or not. Like you said, you can’t make anyone want something. He knows you like him, yes? That’s all you can do. Which is to let him know how you feel. Now it’s up to him to come forward or not. I think if you try to convince him (or push in any other way) it will be frustrating for you. It doesn’t matter if these feelings are rare. He’s the one who has to make the decision. What if he stepped forward? Could you step back? Think about that. Just let things flow naturally. Keep in touch if you want, but also don’t force anything. Things will happen as they are supposed to even if it’s over a period of time. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...