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FlamingoSpirit

Good advice wanted!

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Hi, so I don't really know how to properly start this off so I'll just jump into it! 

Me and my cousin (1st cousin once removed) are intimate, and very much inlove. I've never wanted to be with someone so badly before. And I've also never been so happy with someone. We've been dating in secret for about 4 years as of this August, and it has been so bitter sweet. There has been a few times when he's second guessed our relationship, and has tried to seek another partner. But we always wind up falling back together. (This has happened twice). The reason i came here today Is  because i know how afraid he is to be open to our family about us, and this impacts our connection here and there. He tells me all the time how perfect I am and how our relationship is the best he's ever had. He cant help but embrace and kiss me when he gets home. But there are times like of recent where we have problems. Yesterday I had an intuitive feeling that something was just not right. So he gets home and and embraces me as usual and goes to take a shower, and while he is showering I go through his phone (ik complete intrusion of privacy *but at that moment I could not help myself*) and i come to find that he's chatted with a woman from his job. Mostly compliments from all that i could see and remember. And it hurt me so badly to my core, all I could was take a deep breath and go for a walk. When i got back i confronted him and asked him why? He goes to say a few things I know were from anger and then he tells me he knows we won't have a family together (I'm thinking that weve all heard the uneducated saying that cousins who reproduce, have "challenged" children *& I belive he's afraid of that, no matter how much i discuss the statistics with him*) these words hurt me so badly and it was so hard for me to process and accept the reality that maybe he doesnt actually want to be with me. We havent talked pretty much at all today but all day I've been having moments where i would cry because i couldnt imagine a world where we weren't in love with one another. So I just wanted to come her looking to get feedback from others in situations similar to ours to inspire hope for our relationship, I want him to know that me and him are possible, that we can make things work, that nothing is wrong with what we have , and that we can be happy! So please If you have any encouraging words or advice please feel more then free to respond🧡

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Learn the cousin-marriage facts as on this website, and show them to him.  Tell him that God is okay with cousin-marriage, as noted in the Book of Leviticus.  Huggsss to you, I know it's hard.  Hang in there. 

Ambra

 

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I was like him. I was scared silly when I was young and my cousin expressed his feelings. I did not have the facts back then, so that's in your favor. I still am not sure I could have handled the jokes and ridicule and looks I feared, because my family is not privy to it now, and I'm "seasoned in years" shall we say, but it's still scary.    Just express how deeply you feel for him but the ball is in his court now. I like the comment above about the actual facts. I agree. Show him those and then all you can do is back off until he decides. I wish you the very best. ❤

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15 minutes ago, InSearch4Truth said:

I was like him. I was scared silly when I was young and my cousin expressed his feelings. I did not have the facts back then, so that's in your favor. I still am not sure I could have handled the jokes and ridicule and looks I feared, because my family is not privy to it now, and I'm "seasoned in years" shall we say, but it's still scary.    Just express how deeply you feel for him but the ball is in his court now. I like the comment above about the actual facts. I agree. Show him those and then all you can do is back off until he decides. I wish you the very best. ❤

Thank you so much for responding! 

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Also were on and off lol. We're together as of right now, he expressed that he loved me ans also got me a few little thoughtful gifts for my birthday (something he doesn't usually do without me leading him to it lol) but I definitely feel the connection and it's making my heart warm. I just hope he sticks with this!

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After 4 years it's time to draw the line in the sand and find out what he wants.  If he wants you, great: bring him to this site and start educating him on the facts.

If he doesn't want you, then you can feel free to move on.

His behavior of flirting with another woman is a giant red flag.  So is the fact that he won't listen to you when it comes to the reality of cousin relationships.  

Have a serious sit down with him and find out where you stand.

 

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On 10/9/2019 at 5:28 PM, Serendipity said:

After 4 years it's time to draw the line in the sand and find out what he wants.  If he wants you, great: bring him to this site and start educating him on the facts.

If he doesn't want you, then you can feel free to move on.

His behavior of flirting with another woman is a giant red flag.  So is the fact that he won't listen to you when it comes to the reality of cousin relationships.  

Have a serious sit down with him and find out where you stand.

 

Thank you so much for responding! I really do appreciate it. And yea I think a big talk is in the horizon for us!!

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I am in the middle of the same type of situation, somewhat. 


My cousin and I have been together for a while in secret and he has started saying that there is no way we could be together openly.
He is seriously hung up on what the family will say. 

I recently found out that I am pregnant and it has sent him over the edge. He has completely pulled away and I don’t know how to help him accept our situation. 

I am freaking out that he is going to run scared because of his inability to see past his fears of the stigma of our relationship.

 I even suggested that we relocate and start over in a new place that no one knows we are cousins, he seems to consider it but then he pulls away again. 

any advice will be extremely helpful and appreciated. I am desperate. 
 

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8 minutes ago, IsThereHope said:

I am in the middle of the same type of situation, somewhat. 


My cousin and I have been together for a while in secret and he has started saying that there is no way we could be together openly.
He is seriously hung up on what the family will say. 

I recently found out that I am pregnant and it has sent him over the edge. He has completely pulled away and I don’t know how to help him accept our situation. 

I am freaking out that he is going to run scared because of his inability to see past his fears of the stigma of our relationship.

 I even suggested that we relocate and start over in a new place that no one knows we are cousins, he seems to consider it but then he pulls away again. 

any advice will be extremely helpful and appreciated. I am desperate. 
 

Wow! Your situation is lot more complicated now that you there is a baby involved. I think that you should push the idea of you guys relocating If that is really a do-able option for the two of you. I can only speak from the perspective of what I would do: I would definitely sit down/contact him to discuss our options...especially with you being pregnant. It isnt just about you two as a couple it's also about him being a father to a child. So this is a serious situation and I really hope that you guys can figure something out! I would love to be able to talk more on a different forum sense we're kind of in the same predicament! 

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Thank you for replying. 

After I told him we were pregnant it has gotten pretty bad.😢

At this point I have no idea if we even have a future. 

His initial reaction was get rid of it.
What if it’s Special Needs? I can’t do this.

Then he started freaking out about everyone knowing the baby is ours. 

It went so deep that we even talked about me raising the baby on my own and telling everyone I had a one night stand.

I melted down after that. How can he allow his fears to justify our baby growing up without knowing her father? 

There has to be a way to get through this stigma and for us to just find happiness.

This is killing my Soul.😢

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6 minutes ago, IsThereHope said:

Thank you for replying. 

After I told him we were pregnant it has gotten pretty bad.😢

At this point I have no idea if we even have a future. 

His initial reaction was get rid of it.
What if it’s Special Needs? I can’t do this.

Then he started freaking out about everyone knowing the baby is ours. 

It went so deep that we even talked about me raising the baby on my own and telling everyone I had a one night stand.

I melted down after that. How can he allow his fears to justify our baby growing up without knowing her father? 

There has to be a way to get through this stigma and for us to just find happiness.

This is killing my Soul.😢

Omg I'm so sorry. I definitely understand those hurtful words and how bad it can sting to hear them. But again I'll speak from what I would do. He seems to just be honestly scared. Especially if you've guys are inlove and at one point really happy, these words are probably rooted and coming from fear of judgement! It's hard to accept having to understand why they put the family's judgment before our genuine love but it's a really scary feeling. They're afraid and nervous and I really think that causes them to act a certain way. I'm hoping that somehow you guys can rekindle and he comes to some kind of realization and acceptance. Because you guys deserve to be happy, you shouldn't sacrifice the strong feelings you have for eachother for the comfort of others. It's really not fair and I just wish I had more advice to give. But then again I'm still trying to keep things together in my own situation. I'm really hoping that things look up for you guys really soon. And again please feel free to message me, it would be nice to talk to someone dealing with similar issues☺️!

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