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I'm sharing this story to let you know that this is happening to many couples because

they somehow did not marry their cousin. 

I met my cousin when she was 16 years old.  I saw her  for the first time  in

our uncle's house. She was just visiting that day. She was very beautiful.

She was sweet 16 and I was 18. It was love at first sight. I did not know

that she was my cousin. When she left my uncle's house, I ask my cousin

Ramon who was that girl that just left. He told me that she's the daughter

of my uncle Pat who was my mother's half brother. (My mom and her dad have the same father different mother)

When I learned that she's my cousin, I felt sad. I knew that it was love at

first sight. I tried to forget about her but I can't. After 3 weeks, I ask

my mom to come with me to visit my cousin's house. I used my mom as an alibi

to see her again.

We talked and my mom chatted with her mom. After that visit, I came back  after 3 months to her house and tutored her on math. Finally, her mom told her not to entertain me anymore. I stopped going to their house and instead I started going to her University. We dated and finally we became steady.

We loved each other so deeply that we are willing to defy our parents. We

constantly have to hide to make sure nobody sees us together.

After we had more than a year together, her mom suspected that we're having a relationship. One time her mom beat her so bad on her 18th birthday because we celebrated a milestone in her life and her mom found out. I almost cried when I saw her bruises the next time. Still we continued but I felt bad about her mom beating her up. We could have eloped and forget her studies but we didn't.

After 3 months, I decided to give her up so she can finish her school and

for her mom to stop beating her. We were still so much deeply in love and attached to one another but i had to give up our relationship which she cant accept and understand. But i told her that some day she will thank me for sacrificing my love so she can finish her school. My love for her cannot live yet never die as the song goes.

I courted another girl who became my girlfriend. I brought her to all our

family parties to show to all that I had a new girlfriend but still in my

heart, my cousin was still there.

Anyway, after a year I gave my up girlfriend to join the brotherhood and

stayed single for a 10 years.

I finished my engineering degree and she became a medical doctor .

My cousin finally got married to a fellow doctor the only boyfriend she had after me . I attended her wedding but not the reception.

We continued to communicate. We talked over the phone for hours. We knew that the love was still there.

I decided to migrate to America and the night before i left i told her that she will never be mine but she will always be in my heart and in my mind. I got married also here in the US. I married my wife even though I did not love her. (It's better not to get married than to be married to the wrong person).

I have not seen nor communicated with my cousin for 10 years and then she called me one day when she came here with her husband for a conference and i invited her to visit my family.

So 10 years ago, we saw each other again.

At first was I holding my feelings for her. I did not hug her or kiss her.

Finally when we were alone, we passionately kiss each other. We missed each

other so much. Love was still there because it's special.  it just won't go away even if you're married to somebody.

For seven years, we saw each other at least once a year. I was able to

control my sexual passion. Just seeing her was enough for me. Sometimes we

hugged and kissed each other when we're alone and other times just holding

hands was enough.

Finally 3 years ago, I can't suppress my feeling towards her anymore. Since

she was deeply hurt when I gave her up, I want to show her how much I really

love her. I told her that I still love her. Before whenever she asks me, I

would say no comment because I feel guilty since I'm married already.  That deeply hurt her.

Then 2 years ago, I decided to let her know that I still love her.  I became more expressive of my love and we became much closer to each other. 

Her families understand our relationship now including her mom. My sister who was against our relationship is now OK with it too.

Our love is here to stay not for a year but forever more. This time I will

not give up my cousin. She's 49 and I'm 51. We plan to get married when

the right time comes.

How long should I wait? I'll wait forever.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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  • 3 months later...

I'm posting my response to Jacob here as an update.

I think I'm the first one here to post this kind of Love affair.

I've been there than that.  I felt the same guilt but we know that God is a God of second chance.

Please read the book When

Good People Have Affairs --- by Mira Kirshenbaum

From now on, When Good People Have Affairs will be the book to turn to when you are trying to understand an affair and figure out how to deal with it.

We both read this book and we both agreed that we are for each other.  I was not thinking about my 5 kids (12-21).  Coming from a broken family, I was willing to give up my kids just to be with my cousin.  I don't miss anybody when I'm with her.  We both feel the same way. 

I was not thinking about the cycle that is going to happen.  I have to break the cycle and it has to start with me.

We were blessed that we we're able to spend almost 2 years together.  (she visited me every 3 months and stayed with me 3 to 6 months)  It's hard to explain how we did it.  We had the best memories of our life.  That's why it was really hard to stop seeing each other.

I was living a double life.  I was trying to show to my kids that I'm happy when I'm home.  But deep inside me, I was longing for her when she goes home to her family.  Same thing always happen to us, we cried over the phone.  We talked for almost 8 hours everyday.  She does not sleep sometimes. 

She was trying for about 1 year ago to stop seeing me.  But I was not listening to her.  She loves me so much that she does not want to hurt me.  She came back Jan. 28, 2008.  she stayed for 1 1/2 months and went back home (Asia)

I was still hoping that she's going to come back after 3 months or before the year ended so that we can be together again.  But that never happened.  So it's almost a year now since the last time we were together. 

Late last year we decided not to talk any more.  She said that she's missing me so much and that it's hard for her after we hang up the phone.  It was hard after talking everyday for hours then to completely stop was insane.  I was going crazy not hearing her voice.  It was torture. 

But when you have a soul mate, your spirit still communicates.  We know that we still love each other.  Our love is here to stay forever even though we don't get to talk to each other that much.

She has to give up so much to be with me.  She's the stronger person now.  I'm still weak and trying to think positive that God is separating us now so that we can be together in the future for the rest of our life. 

I don't want to have her just for a couple months but for the rest of my life.

I started reading Small changes Big results by Jerry Foster.  It's about leaving legacy to our children and friends. 

That in life we can be so consumed about work and we forgot other things in life.  We all know that we are all going to die and our legacy is the only thing that we are going to leave behind.

I've been married for 20 years this year.  Most of the time  my wife is very hard to live with.  All my kids knows that.  I always tell them to be more understanding and more loving to her because of her past experience when she was younger. 

So if I leave now , I'm sure that my kids will understand but the legacy that I'll leave them is-when the going gets tough, jump ship.  Please believe me, i do understand if you jump ship.  I have talked to a lot of people and they said the same thing.  Why suffer when you have a way out?  You have to be with your soul mate if you find one.

But for me I believe that God wants me not to jump ship for now for my kids.

There's another book that says- What if God's will for your marriage is for you to suffer so that you become a better person.

That book i did not finish.  Because when i was reading it, i was not willing to accept what it was saying.

Anyway, I know what all of you are going through.  The question is-

Is it worth it to stay married for the sake of the kids? 

Aren't we entitled to be happy with our cousin?

Can we be nice to our spouses now even though we don't love them anymore? So that when we eventually be with our cousin, we can really show them how much we really love them.

What legacy are we willing to leave to our children?

Are we going to be selfish this time?  That i have to admit to myself that I was selfish.  I know it's hard to admit, but I was. 

Don't think that I'm not thinking that someday we'll be together again even just for a moment (everyday I think of that moment).  That moment I'll leave to God if He wills it.  I know that nothing is impossible with God. 

I'm still thinking that when my kids are all grown up maybe after 10 years or so, who knows, God might bring us back together not for a moment but for the rest of our life. 

I stopped going to this site because I was lost.  I can't think and concentrate. 

But today is a new day.  A day i have never live before. 

Today is the best day to change my life.  To accept the things that I can't change.

But my love for my cousin will never change for the rest of my life.

Monet-You have to be really sure that It's not just physical but that it's the real thing. 

Is your love time tested?

Have you fought, I mean really fight so bad and able to reconcile?

Can you say to each other the Lyrics "When a man loves a woman"?  Really mean it. 

Can you take care of your cousin if she/he gets really sick?  like The Notebook Movie?

Are you willing to die for each other? 

Are you willing to give up your kids (if any, it's easier if there is none)?

Can't you wait any longer?

These are some of the questions that you need to answer for yourself.

Know that whatever decision you make will affect your legacy.

Please don't feel guilty if you follow you heart. 

Remember the head must bow to the heart.

God is a God of second chance.


Our suffering is not only for us.  This is happening so that we can share it to others. 

If you have faith in God, we know that there is more to this life than marrying our cousins. 

We are all here for a purpose.  That you have to search for yourself. 

Our love is a never ending story.  God just added a new chapter to it.  Only God knows the ending.  Thank you all. 

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Thanks.  It's really hard to be in this situation.  As much as it's hard to live with somebody that you don't love, how much more when you really love somebody else. 

You long for that person day and night.

Every decision that we make and every action that we take

affects the people around us. 

I won't judge any person who decides to jump ship.  I was almost there.  In fact I purposely said painful things to my wife to give a reason to hate me and to push her away.

But my cousin was strong enough this time to point me in the right direction and I have to accept it.

We've been in this situation before.  We were separated for 10 years without any communication.  But the love never fades away.  In fact it grew stronger. 

We don't know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future.

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I hope you can read the book, Small changes, Big results by Jerry Foster.

It helps you balance your priority in life.  We all know that we'll only live here for may be 75 or so.  That means I have only 23 years left to make a difference in other poeples lives especially in my kids.  My cousin was saying that we have to leave a legacy to them.  I was not listening to her last year when she told me about it.

But after I started reading the book, it makes sense to me.  We're not only going to leave money to our kids (if we have anyhting left) when we die but also our life experiences and our sacrifices. 

My kids know that it's hard to live with my wife.  One of them told me that she does not want to live with her mom. If I leave now, I'm sure that they will understand but the legacy that I'll give is that commitment is of no value. 

I do understand those who seek divorce.  I won't judge them.  We thought about it but my cousin does not believe in divorce.  Her kids are all in college.  She lives alone most of the time in their house because her husband is a very busy person.  She can find 10 husbands in a second.  She's smart and beautiful.  A lot of men are trying but she won't because of her values.  She only gave in to me because she loves me so much. 

Each person has to make a decision for themselves.  Don't think about what the people here on board say.  We can only share our life experiences but in the end you have to make your own choices and suffer the consequenses.

Think about all the people that we can make a difference for the rest of our life.  God will reward us in the end.  He might grant us our hearts desire to be with our cousin in our old age. 

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Melanie I'm posting my reply to Mistify here-Update

First of all, if we believe in God, then we also believe that He is the God of second chance.

My cousin and I are both Catholic.  We don't have divorce.  Even if there is, she does not believe on it.

We know that we'll both be happy if we do decide to leave our spouses.  I was ready.  I was just waiting for her. We have experienced it.  It's hard to explain how we did it.  We we're a couple.  We almost had a live-in situation.  I'm a travelling man so I was able to bring her with me in all my trip.  Sometimes for 1 week.  We were almost together 24x7.  We enjoyed each even with out physical intimacy.  Just the joy of being with each other talking.  Eating together and dancing.  That's why it is more painful this time than 30 years ago.  We have more memories this time than 30 years ago.  Memories for the rest of our life.  I know that she's also having a hard time now that's why she decided that we cut the communication to ease the pain each time we hanged up the phone.  Missing each other day and night.  That is the sacrifice that we are doing now.  Postposing it until the right time comes. 

Do I regret what happened?  No, because all things happened for a reason. 

I understand Mistify position.  I will do same if I'm in that situation. 

This is our decision.  Nobody should feel guilty for his/her decison.  As long as you weigh in all the consequenses of it.  Once you made it, don't look back.  Just look forward to your new life.

We are here to support each other.  We don't advice anybody to break a family to marry someody else whether it's your cousin or not. 

If after reading my story, you decide to stay with your family, thank God for it. 

But if you decide otherwise, Remember that God is a God of second chance.  I myself won't judge you.

Thank you for sharing.

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  • 4 years later...

I just want to update this after almost 5 years since the last time she came here to the US Jan 2008.. Time flies as they say. A lot of things happened after 5 years. We limited our communication but still we talked once in while. Finally, September 20, 2011, I decided to go to Asia after I lost my job . I was excited to visit her. But before I left she called me and she got angry at me. When I arrived at the airport, I was looking for her but she was not there to pick me up. It was only bet husband Tom wad there to pick me up. I was very disappointed. I was hoping to see her at the airport. I felt really bad that she decided to stay home. The following morning, I went to their house and stayed there for about 10 days.

She came down the stairs and I saw her beautiful face again after 3 years. She was uncomfortable because her mom was also staying in the same house. Her mom is now Ok with our relationship but still concerned about Tom (my cousin's husband). Anyway, she was acting different than when we were together in the states. We went out for dinner alone but nothing intimate happened. We could have check-in in a hotel but did not. After 10 days, I moved to my sister's house. We had a fight and she said a lot of hurtful words. I hanged up the phone because it was too much for me to bear. My last night her husband Tom picked me up and we went to dinner. I left after 3 months stay and I only spent about 12 days with her. It sad painful. After 2 years of being together in the states, I was really disappointed. She never called me for 15 months. I called her to greet her happy birthday but she won't answer my call.

Last month, I got a call from Tom and he said that they'll visit me. I got so excited to see her again. They brought their daughter to tour the East Coast. I went to their hotel and I saw her beautiful face again. Still beautiful at age 54. We went to dinner and then drove them around the city.

The next day I picked then up and went sight seeing then we went to a dinner cruise. We had nice dinner then we danced also. It was fun like the good old days. After the cruise I drove them to the bus station to go to another state to leave for Malta. Before she left, we stayed in the car and we kissed and talked. Finally, the bus started loading and we said goodbye. Another chapter in our life. Till we meet again my love. My LOL.

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I've read this before back in May but didn't have the time to reply since I was truly hurt and devistated (I'm still broken up to this day nothing change) I'm speechless. You Sir are truly strong, you deserve to be happy with the person you love so much and I hope that time will come soon. I hope my cousin is just like you so we can happy with each other but sad to say he is not, I'm the one who's just like you and may turn out to be like you. (still be in love even after a year, 10 or 30 years) I will pray for your wishes and true happiness to come true, you deserve them. All of us are deserving to be happy with the person we love and want to be with for the rest of are lives..

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  • 7 months later...

Just an update. I talked to her about a week ago after more than 9 months. It was so good to hear her voice. She's still struggling with her relationship with her husband. They fight everyday. I told her to stay with me once I get my own apartment. She's still can't decide whether to stay with me or not. She feels guilty if she leaves her husband. I told her that it's not healthy if she's always angry with him. I'm still in a waiting mode. I'll wait for her forever. I love her so much and I'm willing to give up everything I have.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Senior Member

Well, after your other post said to read your story, I did.  Thank you for being so honest.

I must say that I find your situation puzzling.  Does her husband, Tom, know how you feel about each other?  Does your wife (are you still married or did I miss something)?  You mention that you both believe in God but you also seem to believe that God wants you to be together.  I will say only this:  instead of reading feel-good books by authors who twist logic and pop-psychology to make you feel good about bad decisions, read God's book and see what He has to say on the subject.  Show me where it's Biblical for you and your cousin to divorce your spouses so you can be together.  Show me where it's Biblical for you to lust after your cousin, the wife of another man.  Trust me when I say, this is NOT God's intent for your lives.

I hope that puts things into the right perspective.


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Thanks CM. It's tough. Tom knows. Yes, I'm still married. We're Catholic and we believe in annulment. We have strong Christian who was divorce by their wives and are now happily married. Even Pope Francis acknowledge that married couples fall out of love. It's really hard to judge people because we're not in their shoes. I'll let you know when we decide to live as a couple. For now, the pain and suffering of being separated will continue.

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I'll be the first to admit that married couples "fall out of love" in the sense of love being a feeling.  But that's not love.  Those same couples, when they love unselfishly as an act, fall back in love and find love even stronger than they ever realized possible.  "Falling out of love" is not sufficient Biblical grounds for divorce.

I didn't ask what the Church says about annulment; I asked to know where your intent is Biblical.  That's a big difference.  I'm pretty familiar with the Bible and can't think of a single passage that can even be twisted to support such a fantasy.  I don't pretend to know all of the rules under Canon Law for annulment but I don't think "falling out of love" is one of them.  I do know that marriage between first cousins IS prohibited by Canon Law and requires specific dispensation.  I can't imagine a priest or bishop who would approve of a divorce (annulment, tuna sandwich, or whatever you want to call it) only to turn around and grant dispensation for what amounts to an adulterous marriage (under Canon Law).

Judgmental?  Maybe.  But I'm not just putting my own belief on it; I'm going with what's Biblical.

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CM. it's too hard explain since you're story is different than mine. You're lucky to marry your cousin. I know that you're treating her like a princess. It's been 37 years of fighting this love for my cousin. It's never gonna go away. It's not fair to our spouses that we can't give our love to them 100%. I just have to fall on God's mercy and grace. It's a struggle and God knows we tried not to talk or see each other but our love grows stronger. Thanks.

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