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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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ynnejkcin

i love my cousin

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Ok , i've known my cousin since we were both small , our families our quite close and we visit each other a good 4 or 5 times a year. I love around london whereas she lives just outside manchester.

We've been close all our lifes , but when i was 15 and she was 14 we got fairly drunk one night and ended up sitting out at the bottom of the garden on our own hugging and after a while it lead to a passionate kiss.

I must admit i felt thoroughly ashamed for weeks and weeks after that , there were definatley strong feelings there but i tried to shove them to the back of my mind.

i was due to go home the next day and we didnt have time to see each other again before i left , i didn't see her for a few months after that , and we did not speak much over msn or fb etc although i wanted to very badly.

We saw each other again a few times but i assume she felt just as awkward as me and we did not mention it.

the feelings were still there for a long time but i managed to push them to the back of my mind for a long time and get on with my life.

recently i went on a holiday with her and her mate and her brother.

I am very close with her brother which makes the whole thing more difficult but ill admit the main attraction of the holiday for me was that i knew she was going to be there.

on the second night we ended up lying on the beach together in each others arms but nothing more happened.

Then on the last few nights we  kept ending up alone and there was now stopping it ,

we spent hours sitting together , passiontley kissing and just enjoying each others company.

At the end of the holiday , when i had to go back to london , i honestly felt as though i could cry and never stop. it was the worst feeling. My feelings for her had esculated by 100x and there was no doubt in my mind that i was head over heels in love with her.

Ever since we got back we have been talking daily.

and eventually we both confessed to each other over msn that we were madly in love with each other.

It goes without saying it was the best feeling in the world finding ou she feels the same.

then in the last few nights my dad found out about it when he saw an msn conversation between us which contained alot of personal words.

We havent talked about it proerply yet , but i am vey nervous about it .

Although , i do not care what he says , i am so so in love with her , and i know i want to be with her forever.

it just worries me the prospect of telling the rest of the family.

I am so crazily in love with her its mad, all i ever think about is her , i cannot get to sleep at night unless we have spoken on msn that night , and when we frequently go on webcam just looking at her face gives me the utmost satisfaction.

i really do feel like i am living for her.

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You said you were 15 and 14 but didn't say how long ago that was... so my real question is "how old are you"?  Not that it matters - I'm going to guess that you're both still under 18 (or whatever the age of majority happens to be in England) and living at home.

If your dad didn't flip out on the spot, that's a possible good sign.  That's not to say that he won't be concerned, but as a parent of teens, I can tell you that I would be concerned about any "serious"-looking relationship my teens are involved in.  That's understandable and reasonable. 

Now, if he has problems with you being cousins, what you really need to do first and most importantly is keep your cool.  Listen to his concerns and objections without interrupting.  When he's done, you need to let him know that you heard his concerns and understand them by calmly repeating back what you heard.  You would do this by saying something like:

"Dad, if I understand what you're saying, you believe a relationship with 'Jenny' (just using a name out of the blue) is a bad idea because of x, y and z'.  Your opinion means a lot to me and those are important things to think about..."  You need to then let him know that you also had some serious concerns and were really worried but you did some research (you'll need to actually do this and you're definitely in the right place).  You can then explain what you know about cousin relationships in society (the real concerns about how people react when they find out - pros and cons), what your family religion says about it if that's a concern (lots of info here about that), and what the medical risks would be if you actually ended up married and/or having children someday (again, more here about that).  The bottom line is that you have to prove that you're making a rational decision with adult-level thinking.

While I can't guarantee that your parents will instantly (or ever) be 'cool' with you dating your cousin, I can guarantee that they'll notice that you are behaving like a mature adult.  If you yell (whether or not you or a parent starts it), you only destroy your own argument and guarantee that you 'lose'.

Now, on the serious side, here is what I would caution:  you probably already know that "young" relationships are so fragile and often temporary.  As a society, we tend to have problems moving on and staying "friends" when they do go down in flames. Now suppose you date your cousin and the relationship goes south within a year or two (the longer the relationship, the worse it is when it fails because feelings were so strong and jealousy over the other moving on is a killer to any hope of a relationship).  If this happens, it now happened with someone so close that you don't easily avoid one another (and the additional pain).  It can polarize the family to take sides and "hate" the "ex" who happens to be a cousin that will be at family functions.  This is something to consider.

I hope I've been at least marginally helpful... I'm sure others will have good words for you so stick around :)

Best wishes,

CM

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Thanks that was helpful

and i forgot to say

i am now almost 17 and she is almost 16

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love is very hard when you young. I was in love with my cousin since baby! but I really met him when he came this year vacation. I hope you are strong. And dont think about it too much right now because you are still young.

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Three years later and we unfortunately recently broke up after an incredibly difficult and stressful relationship. There are way too many factors and I don't feel strong enough at the moment to write an essay trying to detail them. But I would like to thank this website, as just visiting frequently over the past 3-4 years has  helped me in some difficult times.

I wish everyone in similar positions the best of luck after experiencing first hand just how traumatising it can be.

Thank you.

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