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Leathat

Cousin broke my heart and I want to kill myself

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I don't even know where to begin, it's been such a complicated journey... 

Eight years ago I confessed my love for my cousin. We never became a couple but she accepted it and loved me back. She told me we were special and she didn't care what people thought of us. We were soul mates. 

Five months ago she broke up with her boyfriend of six years and coincidentally began ignoring me as well. I believe it was because she was afraid of being single with me. Afraid of herself. Maybe it was because now she was free she didn't need me any more. She could have anyone. 

We've hardly spoken in five months. There's been a lot of pain and fighting. 

The slightest sign of emotion she'd block me and ignore my calls. She wouldn't see me in person. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone. She only allowed me to exist as faceless words on a screen and became very cold to me. She treated me as if I wasn't even human any more. 

She was my best friend. The love of my life. 

We've spoken once in person since then. Christmas eve. I broke down crying and told her how much everything has hurt me. She now has a new boyfriend that she's taken plans for things we wanted to do together, plans for years, and doing them with him and she believes our relationship was wrong and wants nothing more to do with me than to be just cousins and to her that means we see each other at family events that were forced to be around each other and we are not friends. We're related and that's it. 

I want to kill myself. All of my friends were her friends. I haven't socialized in half a year. I can't go to my aunts house to visit her because my cousin lives there and it hurts too much to see her. 

I want to die. I've lost everything and she doesn't care about me at all any more. 

I gave her my life. I stayed single to be with her. She was my life, everything. We did everything together... I just turned 30... I gave her my entire adult life to date... And she just threw me away like I was nothing. I have never loved anyone like I loved her... And I have never seen another human being treat another with such kindness as I treated her. She was my life. 

I saw a counsellor and all that happened was he gave me some pamphlets on cognitive behaviour therapy... I didn't get to tall about anything. 

All I do is work. I work over time. I work weekends. I work through breaks. It's the only thing that stops the pain. Every day I want to kill myself. I can't live like this any more.

 

The worst part is, at this point even if I did die... I don't think she'd even care because I'm beginning to think she never cared... but she told me things, things of love that have burned into the fabric of my soul... I don't even know who I am any more. I am literally nothing and no one... She and I... We were one... 

Edited by Leathat

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19 timer siden, Leathat skrev:

I don't even know where to begin, it's been such a complicated journey... 

Eight years ago I confessed my love for my cousin. We never became a couple but she accepted it and loved me back. She told me we were special and she didn't care what people thought of us. We were soul mates. 

Five months ago she broke up with her boyfriend of six years and coincidentally began ignoring me as well. I believe it was because she was afraid of being single with me. Afraid of herself. Maybe it was because now she was free she didn't need me any more. She could have anyone. 

We've hardly spoken in five months. There's been a lot of pain and fighting. 

The slightest sign of emotion she'd block me and ignore my calls. She wouldn't see me in person. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone. She only allowed me to exist as faceless words on a screen and became very cold to me. She treated me as if I wasn't even human any more. 

She was my best friend. The love of my life. 

We've spoken once in person since then. Christmas eve. I broke down crying and told her how much everything has hurt me. She now has a new boyfriend that she's taken plans for things we wanted to do together, plans for years, and doing them with him and she believes our relationship was wrong and wants nothing more to do with me than to be just cousins and to her that means we see each other at family events that were forced to be around each other and we are not friends. We're related and that's it. 

I want to kill myself. All of my friends were her friends. I haven't socialized in half a year. I can't go to my aunts house to visit her because my cousin lives there and it hurts too much to see her. 

I want to die. I've lost everything and she doesn't care about me at all any more. 

I gave her my life. I stayed single to be with her. She was my life, everything. We did everything together... I just turned 30... I gave her my entire adult life to date... And she just threw me away like I was nothing. I have never loved anyone like I loved her... And I have never seen another human being treat another with such kindness as I treated her. She was my life. 

I saw a counsellor and all that happened was he gave me some pamphlets on cognitive behaviour therapy... I didn't get to tall about anything. 

All I do is work. I work over time. I work weekends. I work through breaks. It's the only thing that stops the pain. Every day I want to kill myself. I can't live like this any more.

 

The worst part is, at this point even if I did die... I don't think she'd even care because I'm beginning to think she never cared... but she told me things, things of love that have burned into the fabric of my soul... I don't even know who I am any more. I am literally nothing and no one... She and I... We were one... 

Hang in there buddy, I really believe things will turn to the better if you give it time. Hope you wont give up, and try to live on, even though its tough at the moment. I think its hard to know what to say, but I sure feel for you and truly believe things will get better over time. Have you considered talking to a therapist? If not I would recommend you do it. I worry about you and hope you're getting better!

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38 minutes ago, Matthew1998 said:

Hang in there buddy, I really believe things will turn to the better if you give it time. Hope you wont give up, and try to live on, even though its tough at the moment. I think its hard to know what to say, but I sure feel for you and truly believe things will get better over time. Have you considered talking to a therapist? If not I would recommend you do it. I worry about you and hope you're getting better!

Thanks but I don't know how it can get better. My mom is going to die soon and my dad is already dead and my relationship with my cousins side (dads) has already fallen apart and I'm going to be completely alone. She promised me she'd never leave me. She knew how fragile I am. She knows everything about me. We know everything about each other. It'll never go back to what it was. She doesn't want it to and I keep treating her like holy crapoly! anyways because of all this pent up holy crapoly! she won't give me closure on. 

 

It can't get better it can only get worse and more alone. 

 

There's nothing to get better to. My mom will die, I'll still be without my cousin and I'll still be alone and heart broken. 

I don't even know who I am any more. I have no hobbies no interests... She was my hobbies and interests. She was literally the reason for my existence... 

Before her I was alone and sad and hated myself. Because of her I'm strong. Brave. A good man. A patient man and a sweet lover. I think I'm beautiful. But it's for nothing now... 

 

I was so kind to her and so in love with her... I've never seen anyone express what I gave her. I've never felt anything what she gave me. I don't know why someone would do what she did to me. 

 

Truthfully she was a holy crapoly!ty person. She cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She broke every man's heart. She's vain and has no self worth and secretly hates herself. She's fake to people and two faced... But she was never any of that to me... And I stood by her every holy crapoly!ty thing she did to people. 

 

She wasn't always like that. We made pacts to love ourselves more but her vanity is out of control. She was a genuinely kind person. Now she's just a narccistic 

 

But I was there for her. Every time. No matter what. No matter what or who she needed I was it. A friend. A lover. Everything... And she threw me away. 

 

Also sadly I can't afford a therapist. I'm looking at options with my health insurance but it doesn't cover much. Even then... Like... I need somebody who can relate to me. Nobody can relate to this. Nobody knows what I felt for her or how we were together or what im feeling now

 

I love my aunt a lot. She's like another mom to me but I can't go see her because my cousin lives with her and I'm scared she's going to die too and I'm going to have missed out with her... and when she does die all of my cousins will alienate me. It's already happening. Her sister and I already don't get along and her brothers are mostly impartial. None of them have asked how I'm doing this past five months. None of them have asked me to hang out. We all did everything together. Now I'm nobody to them. Even her sister in law. I was friends with. Hasn't spoken to me and won't comment on what's going on because the two of them are best friends now. 

 

She's taken everyone and everything from me. My entire life. 

Edited by Leathat

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On 1/10/2020 at 8:56 PM, Leathat said:

Thanks but I don't know how it can get better. My mom is going to die soon and my dad is already dead and my relationship with my cousins side (dads) has already fallen apart and I'm going to be completely alone. She promised me she'd never leave me. She knew how fragile I am. She knows everything about me. We know everything about each other. It'll never go back to what it was. She doesn't want it to and I keep treating her like holy crapoly! anyways because of all this pent up holy crapoly! she won't give me closure on. 

 

It can't get better it can only get worse and more alone. 

 

There's nothing to get better to. My mom will die, I'll still be without my cousin and I'll still be alone and heart broken. 

I don't even know who I am any more. I have no hobbies no interests... She was my hobbies and interests. She was literally the reason for my existence... 

Before her I was alone and sad and hated myself. Because of her I'm strong. Brave. A good man. A patient man and a sweet lover. I think I'm beautiful. But it's for nothing now... 

 

I was so kind to her and so in love with her... I've never seen anyone express what I gave her. I've never felt anything what she gave me. I don't know why someone would do what she did to me. 

 

Truthfully she was a holy crapoly!ty person. She cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She broke every man's heart. She's vain and has no self worth and secretly hates herself. She's fake to people and two faced... But she was never any of that to me... And I stood by her every holy crapoly!ty thing she did to people. 

 

She wasn't always like that. We made pacts to love ourselves more but her vanity is out of control. She was a genuinely kind person. Now she's just a narccistic 

 

But I was there for her. Every time. No matter what. No matter what or who she needed I was it. A friend. A lover. Everything... And she threw me away. 

 

Also sadly I can't afford a therapist. I'm looking at options with my health insurance but it doesn't cover much. Even then... Like... I need somebody who can relate to me. Nobody can relate to this. Nobody knows what I felt for her or how we were together or what im feeling now

 

I love my aunt a lot. She's like another mom to me but I can't go see her because my cousin lives with her and I'm scared she's going to die too and I'm going to have missed out with her... and when she does die all of my cousins will alienate me. It's already happening. Her sister and I already don't get along and her brothers are mostly impartial. None of them have asked how I'm doing this past five months. None of them have asked me to hang out. We all did everything together. Now I'm nobody to them. Even her sister in law. I was friends with. Hasn't spoken to me and won't comment on what's going on because the two of them are best friends now. 

 

She's taken everyone and everything from me. My entire life. 

Leathat, 

Don't think too much, don't rely on people for happiness. Reflect on your and her situation with a cool mind, give yourself some time to think. Sometimes people get scared of obsessive behavior, it gives off very negative energy. You need to understand one thing, those who genuinely care for you will never leave your side and those who don't will never think good for you even if you try hard to please them. Are you worried about everyone leaving you alone, be mentally strong and know that you don't need others to be happy? Maybe you should learn to put yourself above everyone else. 

Don't be so weak and don't let people to easily manipulate you. It is okay to be hated by people, friends or relatives. You cannot make everyone happy, love yourself and put yourself and your happiness above everyone else. It is okay to love someone who does not reciprocate your love equally. Acknowledge your feelings and never be ashamed of them, you know you love her and you own that, don't let her or anyone else have control over your emotions. No one is asking you to stop loving her, you can still love her and love yourself too. Give yourself some time, don't make permanent choice based on temporary feelings. 

Sometimes hurt and betrayal is all in our head, we don't know the other side of the story. We see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe but, in reality it does not exist (betrayal, cheating, how people perceive you and/or negative emotions or feelings about your image). Face her, acknowledge your feelings and don't be ashamed of yourself. You can't change how you feel or your emotions for her. Love her at a distance :) but, live your life at the same time. I hate it when people cannot communicate properly, instead of talking about their problems or issues people choose to ignore or run away from each other.

I don't know your cousin's story, maybe she had many bf's. But, from my own experience all I can tell you is that when I broke-up with my ex, I also blamed my cousin for my failed relationship. When we are in a relationship we become needy and would do or believe anything because of the fear of being alone. In my case there were many reasons I did not approach my cousin such as; guilty feeling, feeling of being not good enough, and the most important for me was that I felt like its not fair to go back to him because I had my chance of being with someone else and he also deserves to be happy in his life. So, you don't know what is wrong with her and you can't understand her emotions. When emotions are not in control, people do not know what they are doing their common sense is shut down. 

Stay strong, I know the feeling of being left out is not so good. It hurts but, you can't force her to be with you. Don't go to family gatherings and disconnect completely that will help. It should be all or none situation, it is not easy have feelings for her and hangout with her friends or family. No one has time to care about you or your feelings, so stop entertaining your friends or cousins. 

Take care of yourself, I hope you two can talk someday and figure out what you two really want. 

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Leathat,

What I'm going to tell you is not what you want to hear but what you need to hear because nobody told me what I needed to hear when I was in your situation. 

First, you need to cut off all contact with your cousin immediately. 

Second, you need to realize that your cousin never loved you and never will. She has been using you as an emotional dumpster, a shoulder to cry on while she's hopping around between different men. Ask yourself; you have always been there for her, but has she always been there for you? You would do anything for her at the drop of a hat, but would she do the same? No, because shes a selfish narcissist. Cut her out of your life immediately. 

Realize you are a man, you have value as a human being and that value is not contingent on the approval of anyone else. Hit the gym, join a marshal arts group, start eating healthy, take a trip to clear your mind. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her or anyone one else, do what's best for YOU.  

The road ahead of you is a long and difficult one, but I promise if you focus on improving yourself it will get better. You'll go from being a weak shell of a man to being chiseled out of wood. Good luck brother. 

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11 hours ago, SeattleSeven said:

Leathat,

What I'm going to tell you is not what you want to hear but what you need to hear because nobody told me what I needed to hear when I was in your situation. 

First, you need to cut off all contact with your cousin immediately. 

Second, you need to realize that your cousin never loved you and never will. She has been using you as an emotional dumpster, a shoulder to cry on while she's hopping around between different men. Ask yourself; you have always been there for her, but has she always been there for you? You would do anything for her at the drop of a hat, but would she do the same? No, because shes a selfish narcissist. Cut her out of your life immediately. 

Realize you are a man, you have value as a human being and that value is not contingent on the approval of anyone else. Hit the gym, join a marshal arts group, start eating healthy, take a trip to clear your mind. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her or anyone one else, do what's best for YOU.  

The road ahead of you is a long and difficult one, but I promise if you focus on improving yourself it will get better. You'll go from being a weak shell of a man to being chiseled out of wood. Good luck brother. 

Correct!

I wish someone had told me this long time ago. My cousin ghosted me twice, in the mean time he was having fun and blamed me at the end lol. Now, I know that he never loved me and never will because love is not what he has been doing all these years. Its all about himself and his family, I mean after kissing and almost kissy-faceing if he calls himself my brother then I have not seen a narcissist like him in my life. Anything he says is fine, anything he does is fine, but when I moved on after getting dumped by him then I was a cheater.

Maybe he thinks he is doing me a some kind of favor by being with someone else and calls it a sacrifice, well if that makes him sleep well at night and justify his actions or narcissistic behavior then that's not my problem. I never asked for a sacrifice, I suffered the most. Its true till now I was in touch with our relatives or his family, because there was a hope but as I realize that he never really loved me, I have decided to cut off all relatives from my life just to be happy. I know I can never be happy, knowing he is with someone else and if I still stick around. 

Now, I don't even care whether he still thinks I cheated on him, I do not owe an explanation to him or anyone. If calling me a cheater and by throwing under the bus makes him sleep well at night then good for him. But, for sure whatever it is the way he treated me all these years is not love. I really don't want his or anyone's fake concern saying 'hope you find someone who loves you' because if it is meant to be it will happen and I will not have to cry or run after that person. Many people claim that they are in love but don't even understand the value of it. Most people are fake and do not know how to truly respect relationships. 

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On 1/14/2020 at 8:52 AM, SeattleSeven said:

Leathat,

What I'm going to tell you is not what you want to hear but what you need to hear because nobody told me what I needed to hear when I was in your situation. 

First, you need to cut off all contact with your cousin immediately. 

Second, you need to realize that your cousin never loved you and never will. She has been using you as an emotional dumpster, a shoulder to cry on while she's hopping around between different men. Ask yourself; you have always been there for her, but has she always been there for you? You would do anything for her at the drop of a hat, but would she do the same? No, because shes a selfish narcissist. Cut her out of your life immediately. 

Realize you are a man, you have value as a human being and that value is not contingent on the approval of anyone else. Hit the gym, join a marshal arts group, start eating healthy, take a trip to clear your mind. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her or anyone one else, do what's best for YOU.  

The road ahead of you is a long and difficult one, but I promise if you focus on improving yourself it will get better. You'll go from being a weak shell of a man to being chiseled out of wood. 

"Ask yourself; you have always been there for her, but has she always been there for you? You would do anything for her at the drop of a hat, but would she do the same?" 

 

This is all true. It didn't matter what was going on in my life, who I was with, where I was, my financial situation, anything. I was there for her for whatever or whoever she needed me to be. Brother. Friend. Lover. Cousin. Man. She was never there for me when I needed her. 

She came to my city once when I became homeless and she didn't even visit me. I had to trek across a city metropolis to go see her at her friends house. 

I have left this city so many times just wanting her to tell me to stay and she never has. 

After my dad died. I had a particularly difficult day. My thing with him was coffee. She knew this. I asked her to come out with me because I was having a hard day. She said she had to get ready to go some where. 

She has lied to me continuously throughout our relationship saying she's staying in for the night and doesn't want to see me when she's gone to see other people. 

When we first started fighting five months ago it was after she broke up with her boyfriend - the man who she constantly complained she hated and only cared about as a fashion accessory because they looked good together - I was on the verge of becoming homeless, losing my job, losing everything I owned, suicidal and she just ignored me. 

I've stood in front of her talking her down with a knife in her hand threatening to kill herself and walked towards her as she threatened to cut me, to take it from her. 

I have been to hell and back caring for that woman. Unimaginably so. 

I have carried her miles across the city to get her home as she is too drunk to walk. 

Every time she'd call me wasted in the middle of the night. 

I tuck her in and take off her glasses and leave food and water beside her bed for in the morning when she's hung over. 

I have done... terrible unspeakable things to people in defense of her... I have put my life in danger to protect her when she's a drunk idiot starting trouble with bad people. 

I saved a man's life from a fentanyl overdose. We all used to do a lot of drugs. I don't any more. She claims she doesn't. We were going to a party on new years and she said people would be doing drugs and I said I'd be fine if she didn't do any and that turned into a big argument because she had a friend kill himself the year before because he got brain damage from an over dose. She vehemently proclaimed she doesn't do drugs and I told her that's a lie and she does when she's wasted. 

A month later she tells me shes done coke on her birthday. Called me up, drunk and lost downtown begging me to come save her, said she did meth with an ex girlfriend of hers. Told me she did ecstasy with her sister. 

She works at a gosh darn medical office where hundreds of her clients have died from fentanyl overdoses from drugs

She doesn't respect me or herself. 

I have stayed single for eight years so I can love her. 

You are right. Others have told me this as well but it's different hearing it from someone outside. 

I know I'm a valuable man. Loving her has both taught and shown me how good a lover I am capable of being. My loyalty is unrivalled. My strength and bravery is unquestionable. I am fearless. But I am so afraid of life without her. 

I already eat very well. I'm a hobbyist chef. I do it as an act of self love. I've lost weight and become stronger because of my job. I've put all of my pain and energy into myself and truthfully, from an outside perspective... Losing her has been the best thing for me that has ever happened. 

I was fat, lazy, apathetic and living on disability pension. Now... I slay at work. I am a machine. Every day I am stronger... but so filled with rage and sadness and bitterness. I've lost my empathy and my compassion. I've lost happiness. 

The things she said to me though of love have literally burnt into the fabric of my soul.

I pity her though... and know why she is the way she is... 

She's told me of terrible things. Of being a 15 year old teen. Going to BDSM sex parties with people twice her age. Backwoods off grid hippie sex cults. Things she calls an experience that opened her mind. Things I believe damaged her.

I tried to protect her from everything. Including herself. I never wanted to fall in love with her. I wished we'd connected when we were teens or kids... but she was always off somewhere doing things much older than I was in. Her dad is a piece of holy crapoly!. Her boyfriends are pieces of holy crapoly!. I just wanted to be a nice man to her and for a time she was just a nice woman. I idolized her and looked up to her. Successful. Strong. Independent. Sweet. Beautiful. Confident. 

Then the facade began to shatter or maybe she changed. She never used to be so materialistic and narcissistic. She was a hippie chic. 

She wanted to be a nurse. Then she told me she only wanted to do it for the money and didn't care about people. Then she began talking down about her overweight friends and frenemies. She talks about plastic surgery often now for things she doesn't need to change and things her idol would shame her for. 

Id always tell her she was pretty... even after no makeup and five days of drinking. She told me she was happy she was comfortable not wearing makeup around me and I made her feel pretty... because she was pretty... 

She lives at her moms now. Nearly rent free. Making more money than I do. No drivers license. Spends thousands of dollars on high end clothes she never even wears once and just pisses away her paycheques from her job her mom got her that she can't be fired from no matter how many Mondays she misses. She is an alcoholic.

She turned me into an alcoholic. Drinking until I was blackout drunk just to be with her. To have that blissful drunk love of lies. I haven't drank in five months now since I haven't seen her. 

Losing her was the best thing that could happen to me... 

Edited by Leathat

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SeatleSeven hit the situation head on!  She has never loved you, at least like you wanted her to., she has only used you 

and it has affected you greatly.  Best to cut her out and off completely.  

It amazes me though that you thought you two were together and yet you said she had a boyfriend.  

I would say that was a VERY BIG  clue that there wasn't a relationship between the two of you.

Cut your losses and the potential for any further hurt and move on.  Easy?? No but you will get through this if you are 

determined.

Best wishes.

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6 hours ago, Romalee said:

SeatleSeven hit the situation head on!  She has never loved you, at least like you wanted her to., she has only used you 

and it has affected you greatly.  Best to cut her out and off completely.  

It amazes me though that you thought you two were together and yet you said she had a boyfriend.  

I would say that was a VERY BIG  clue that there wasn't a relationship between the two of you.

Cut your losses and the potential for any further hurt and move on.  Easy?? No but you will get through this if you are 

determined.

Best wishes.

I never thought we were together but I did think we had our own separate relationship. A romantic friendship more or less. We talked a lot about our feelings for each other. She told me she was in love with me, but she'd never go for it because we were cousins. She told me we were special,that we were soul mates, that we had past lives together. That she didn't care what people thought of us - including her boyfriend. 

We were physically intimate for eight years. She became increasingly sexual with me over the past year. 

 

I didn't believe we were together but I believed we were something. 

Edited by Leathat

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23 hours ago, Leathat said:

I've lost weight and become stronger because of my job. I've put all of my pain and energy into myself and truthfully, from an outside perspective... Losing her has been the best thing for me that has ever happened.

It looks like you are well on the way on the road to recovery. As time goes on, her spell over you will wane and you'll begin to think clearly again.  

23 hours ago, Leathat said:

I know I'm a valuable man. Loving her has both taught and shown me how good a lover I am capable of being. My loyalty is unrivalled. My strength and bravery is unquestionable. I am fearless. But I am so afraid of life without her

You sound like a good person Leathat, one day you will find someone who appreciates and reciprocates those qualities. You need to learn to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Coming off as obsessive, co-dependent, clingy etc. are not attractive traits, especially to a woman. Once you are able to live with yourself, your  fear of being alone will disappear along with these negative traits.

 

On 1/15/2020 at 2:41 PM, Leathat said:

Every day I am stronger... but so filled with rage and sadness and bitterness. I've lost my empathy and my compassion. I've lost happiness. 

These scars will fade, but they never really go away. Although I'm not near as angry and cynical as I used to be, it's still there. Something about these 'relationships' permanently changes you... you deal with such extreme emotional pain, that as a last act of self preservation your mind builds these barriers. You no longer feel sadness, or happiness, or anger.. your're just... numb. You're guard will always be up from now on... once bit, twice shy. 

On 1/15/2020 at 2:41 PM, Leathat said:

I pity her though... and know why she is the way she is... 

This is the final emotion in the healing process, when the dust settles all you'll feel towards her is pity. Her life is a train wreck, you just happened to be riding along...be glad you jumped off before she took you with her.  You can't stop it, you can only observe as her life slowly deteriorates. People like that do not build you up, they take you down with them and anyone else along for the ride. 

 

You can't change the past, but you can learn from it and change your future. Take this as a hard lesson learned. Use this traumatic experience as a catalyst for change..for the better. 

 

 

 

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I feel like maybe I should apologize or try and make things right but that would just set me back. I don't know. Thinking about it now, how messed up she is, I shouldn't have tried to rely on her or expected her to be there for me - regardless of how much I was there for her. I just idolized her so much and had her on such a pedestal I didn't see how messed up and broken she actually is until I think about it now. 

Edited by Leathat

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