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Okay.  So I definitely wouldn't mind some advice/discussion. I'll start from the beginning of it all.

As I write this, Im 27 and she's 22

So the earliest I remember meeting my second cousin, she was 2 and I was 7. We played imaginary games, Peter Pan and she was Tinkerbell. Of course at a young age, I always knew I loved her like I was supposed to, but never imagined I'd fall head over heels in Love. Its hard to recollect exactly how I felt at the time, but I know I felt sad when it was time to go home.

I didn't see her again until I was about 9 (She's 4). I was hanging out with her brother who is a year younger than me. Playing some Nintendo Game, and helping him clean his room. At this point, i didn't get to spend much time with her, but as a kid the Nintendo was an easy distraction. Next time I saw her, I was about 11, (she's 6) I went over with my parents and siblings for a cookout, and everyone was in their little friend groups. I was hanging out with the boy cousins, playing in the yard or whatever. While the other girl cousins all played together in the house. I remember seeing her and had nothing to really say, no way to connect with her at the time. I hardly even got a chance to know who she is yet. All I know is that she used to love Tinkerbell  😅 Well, we ate and left the party eventually.

Next time i see her, I'm 13, she's 8. It's my older cousins grad party! And it's like we've known each other the whole time, nothing felt estranged. We laughed and played. I gave her a piggy back ride and I knew she was meant to be Soo special to me. I had an amazing time with her all day. 

Well I didn't see her again for another 2 years. I'm 15, and she's 10. I started seeing her consistently about twice a year, an uncle would always have get togethers and all the cousins my age would come together. we partied in the way kids party. At this point, I'm aware our age Gap was at an awkward phase, where I had to sort of hold back from being too affectionate. It started to make me confused. Last time I saw her, I felt so much love, and it's still there.. but I had to restrain acting on it.

So for a few years, I found myself in an age limbo. I hadn't really felt "in love" yet. But I definitely enjoyed every moment I had with her. So another party at the same uncles, she was 13, I was 17. Between our birthdays. With all the other cousins, siblings and friends at this party, the sleeping situation became tight. My uncle had to basically assign everyone's spots. It just so happened that me and her ended up on the same mattress, which I was happy about so I could guard her from the other teens at the party.

Obviously I wasn't going to try anything weird. But we more or less cuddled. I didn't sleep all night, partly because I was driven to protect her all night. Also because she was so beautiful sleeping next to me. I didn't want her to ever leave my side. I still felt conflicted because I was feeling some kind of way. How could I feel something for my little cousin, who was still just growing up? Not to mention I was almost 18, I knew I had to bury this feeling deep in my heart 

We never really communicated to each other unless it was face to face at this point. So time goes by, we both live our lives. She starts dating a boy, I graduate. I see her at my grad party, but its mostly just small talk, way too much going on  to give everyone much attention. Her grandpa (my grandmas brother) gives me a badass Peavy cab for my graduation gift, (I started getting close with her Grandpa when he found out I played guitar) and I'm playing a concert for my grad party. I really wish I spent more time with her during the festivities.

More time passes by, I have to be 20, she's 15. My mom and my siblings go on a vacation with her mom and her brother. For spring break, we end up going to Myrtle Beach. Again, I feel this confliction of having to keep my cousin crush not obvious. So I bear with this turmoil of wanting what I'm not supposed to have. The vacation was amazing, but I felt empty afterwards, since I knew it would be a while before I would see her. She was busy with school, but i saw her here and there, depending on the family shenanigans going on.

I see her here and there at the family events. I'm now 21, she's 16. And the curve balls start coming. We would get a little flirty at these functions. I remember one time she sat on my lap, and I sort of panicked, looking around to see if anyone noticed. No one did 🙈 I immediately felt all the feels coming back tenfold. After that, I was starting to see her about 5+ times a year. She would come hangout with me and my sister. Tricking me into rubbing her feet and giving me every reason to grin ear to ear. We started getting really close.

It wasn't long before she had a new boyfriend, however.At this point, my crush was overwhelming. But obviously there was nothing I could really do about it. Kept in touch, ya know, nothing really unusual going on. We would hangout when she wasn't busy. I was definitely afraid of losing her to anyone, but as long as she is happy.

So now she graduates and we throw a banger party for her at my house. One of the best parties I've been in so far. She's 18, I'm 23. At some point, she sits on my lap again and I know my poor heart can't take it. 😩 I'm losing control of this secret crush.

More or less we would hang out every few months, going to beaches, eating at restraunts, more parties and stuff. I would do anything she invited me too. Still had our family events to meet at, and every second I spent with her, I'd have a dumb smile. My family is big, and we had alot of birthdays/graduations/weddings as an excuse to see her.

So then I get a phone call from her. (She's 19, I'm 24) and she wants me to go with her to California for a week. Just me and her 😁😁😁❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

We stayed at a cousins house who hosted us, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be exploring a new place with my heart and soul! Since that vacation, we've spent more time together. At this point I know that I love her unconditionally. She's my favorite person in the world. My Moon and my Stars. We hang out maybe twice a month nowadays, and we communicate nearly daily. Saying "I love you" before goodnight. We try to have a lunch or dinner on Sunday if we have the chance. Especially at her favorite places 😋 When she stays the night, she sleeps in my bed with me and we cuddle.

She's still with her boyfriend of 6 years, but that doesn't stop me from showering her with affection any chance I get. I love her infinitely, and all I truly want is for her to be happy. I just wish I could express my love in it's entirety. It drives me crazier everyday.

So, if you stuck it out and read up to this part, you're probably wondering what I'm getting at. I've written her songs and poems and showered her with gifts and affection, and it's never weirded her out/scared her off. Although she has said that "incest is gross". With all the flirtatious signals (which there's a bunch I left out) and her current relationship... I'm just wondering if I should directly confess my love? Would it be better to stay on the sidelines, knowing nobody will compare to her? Dooming myself to never have my true desire? Or risking it all for my dream come true, potentially falling into eternal turmoil?

I'm so lost, she's always on my mind

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9 hours ago, OpenUmbrella said:

Sidelines unless the 6 yr relationship fails. 

Of course. I pretty much knew that's what I have to do. Especially if she's happy. I'd rather she had happiness instead of my own. It definitely will always hurt not being able to express the entirety of my heart 😓 but that's life. 

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8 hours ago, OpenUmbrella said:

6 yrs is a long time to not have gotten married. Whats up with that?

I don't know all the details. Her boyfriend wants to, I'm sure she wants to wait until she has all her school done and her own house. I know about 2 years ago, she was considering breaking up, so there's a chance she doesn't want to marry him. If that day comes, I'm going to become an empty shell. Then having to attend the wedding with a fake smile. I'll be happy that she's happy.. but I know my life is going to be depressing. I know there's plenty of fish in the sea blah blah.. I don't need a fish, I need my Tinkerbell. I'll honestly just stay alone forever, it would be unfair to any potential partner because I wouldn't be all in it 

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