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Guest Eileene

Glad im not alone (2nd Cousins)

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Hello everyone im a Female and I am very new to this site and I can honestly say I am glad i am not the only one in this world that has this  situation i felt very alone in this untill now . In the very beginning i was just like every other ignorant person out there and thought cousins being together was wrong, My 2nd cousin's family and mine have always been super close but i dont really remember much about him growing up since hes 6 years older than me and plus he ended up moving away and both of our familys started hating eachother for stupid reasons , it wasnt till i was 17 i saw him again for the first time we automatically clicked and had so much in common its like weve known eachother forever ,ever since then we were hardcore best friends always hung out talked about eachothers relationships and the dramas in our lives there was never a thought in my mind that i liked him more then a friend , a couple years went by and im 19 we both are hanging out drinking having fun and out of no where he kisses me i was freaked out and confused and overwelmed  by it but yet when he kissed me it was like the whole world stopped and nothing else mattered at that time. as the days progressed i was still not sure about what the hell we were doing and was still very much on edge about the whole situation i eventually started to have feelings for him and just ended up telling my mom straight up that we were together and surprisingly she was very cool with it  but on the other hand she is  the only family member on both mine and his family that knows we are together . 4 years have gone by and we are still together very much in love ive never been in a relationship this long let alone loved someone like this before im now 23 and hes 29 we live together but yet when it comes to our family we still try to keep us being together a secret im sure they somewhat have an idea in their heads that we are together but dont say anything , most of the time it works out well but there are those days were it really sucks that we just cant be together out loud for everyone to know we talk about kids in the future and maybe getting married but i see it has if we were to ever do those things we would have to move far away from everyone. sometimes i just wonder how long we can keep living and being together in secret and would i WANT to live this way forever i try and tell myself that it doesnt matter what people think and its my life and what makes me happy but all in all i dont think i would be able to hadle everyones reactions IDK, im just very glad and thankful that my mom is here for me and understands me 100% well anyways thanks for listoning it feels amazing to get it all out to others that understand

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i'm quite sure that most everyone in your family knows LOL. after this long? i'm sure it's speculated about in whispers behind your backs every time ya'll are seen together at any family function! so when ya'll decide to "out" yourselves, it will probably come as no surprise to anyone. maybe a few will feel they can finally voice their opinion out loud, but i'm betting the majority of them will be as cool with it as your mom. especially after this many years. in any case, congratulations!

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Wow thank you so much (= and yeah we both figured everyone probably already knows it's just the fear we have of saying it out loud to everyone ,I guess we're just not ready ..hopefully someday though

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It sounds like you have found love with each other, and that's a glorious thing.  But it's time to be adults here and own up to your relationship.  I for one would not want to live a lie, and the two of you have been doing it for a long time!  LadyC is correct that most people in your family probably already know about the 2 of you - how long can you really keep your living situation secret from your family??!!

Do I think you have to make a big announcement to the family at Christmas dinner?  No!  But do I think it's time for the two of you to be seen being affectionate with one another at family gatherings?  Yes.  And if your families have an issue with it, then the two of you can decide how to deal with it.  It's time to live your life on your terms my dear.

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Babydoll,

I concur with the ladies. They know. You two are probably the only ones refusing to admit it. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about actually "coming out" with it. Rather, I would slowly begin to show more PDA's. Take his arm as you arrive at the next family function. If you don't already, set together/next to each other at the upcoming holiday festivities, if your family celebrates with a gathering or gatherings. I'm in no way trying to be chauvinistic, but perhaps "wait on him," as in, take his plate when he's finished eating, fill his glass, or at least ask if he would like more when you fill yours, subtle things such as that, that will put it out there without actually having to say anything. The nervousness on the part of all parties would be in the actual talking about it. If you just naturally behave as a couple, that behavior will be seen as natural, and a natural progression of the relationship. Methinks thou worrieth too much.....

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Thanks you guys for the advice ,I guess because we've been keeping a secret for so long it's just become a regular everyday thing for us to not show affection around people that know mine and his family..if that makes any sense at all but yet all these signs point out to people that DuhH of corse theyre together we live together in a one bedroom apartment for 4 years and fight like a married couple and do everything that couples do other than PDA  I think what it all comes down to is that yes we love each other and would do anything for each other but still deep down can't exept the fact that  we are cousins and that in everyone's eyes it's wrong so by not saying it to anyone or letting anyone know is keeping us in that comfort zone ya know? /=  but Serendipity I agree with you as well...sigh...it's just a lot easier said than done

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but you're not even first cousins.... the stigma is so much less for second cousins, you really shouldn't worry so much about other people thinking that you're weird or anything! :)

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I was in a bit of a rush when I posted previously, so I may have come across more harsh than I intended.  But I do think it's time for the pretending to be over.  The two of you are clearly happy with each other and have been sharing a life together for some time now.  The "coming out" always seems scary, but often it's not as bad as we imagined.  And if the two of you have been living together for 4 years and no one in your family has said a word to you about it....Well, you just may be creating drama where none exists. 

The two of you should start showing affection for each other at family gatherings, like you do in other public settings.  This is the man you have chosen to be with and there should never be shame or guilt associated with your love for one another. 

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You guys are absolutely right and I really do appreciate you guys helping me I feel lost trying to figure it out on my own and I know I'm probably making it more than it is ,I wish I didn't care so much of what people think,it's definitely something I'm gonna have to work on.

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Babydoll,

Caring so much about what other people might think about second cousins being together is why my second cousin and I are not together, and never will be. We could have spent the last 30 years much happier and stable than we did. We could have spent them together. Our Mothers would not have cared. In fact, I'm sure that quietly, they would be tickled if we were to get together even at this late date. Our Dads wouldn't have minded, and as far as I was concerned, their opinion was mute anyhow. Her Dad would have actually helped us, had we asked. I wanted us to go to where he lived/(still lives) and go for it. She didn't have the nerve, and thought the blood was too thick. Mind you, there was no internet, or resource such as this site, so information was limited to "old wives tales." So, we went our own ways, made our own lives, and not to any great extent, but to an extent, have the "what if" factor to live with now. Don't get me wrong, it's all good, we've aired it all out, and are back to being as close as we ever were. Well, ALMOST, you get the picture. However, now that we are in our 50's, much too much water has passed beneath the bridge to go back. You get one shot in life to make the most of it. There are stories here similar to mine, where later in life, cousins have reconnected, and are enjoying their time together as much as when they were teens. They even come here and post, sounding like giddy teens. Knowing what they know now, they will tell you exactly what I am telling you. GO FOR IT, AND DON'T LET ANYBODY STOP YOU. You have much happiness to loose trying to impress others with how "conformist" you are, worrying about what they will think of you. It isn't YOUR problem what THEY think of you. They get THEIR life to live, NOT theirs' AND YOURS. Let them flap their gums. It won't be long till Miley or Kim or any number of others will pull their latest outrageous stunt, and you will be old news.

In the meanwhile, stop "fighting like a married couple." Work out whatever the issues are. I bet at least SOME of it hinges on this charade you are trying to maintain. Trust us when we tell you, THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG, OUT OF THE HOUSE, OFF THE PORCH, AND RUNNING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD. THEY KNOW. They may not want to talk about it, and that's fine too. There is no need to be flagrant with it, but there is no sense in hiding it after 4 years either. Simply go about your business as any other couple would. If anything is said, you immediately get out in front of it. As for me, I would change the subject blatantly. If Aunt Beulah said something, I would look her straight in the eyes and say "Your hair looks nice." If she didn't get the picture, I would be more direct, as in "You mean I didn't tell you?" If she didn't take the hint, and said "Why no, you didn't," I would say "That's probably because it's MY business." (I don't actually put it quite like that, but I'll keep it G-rated. My family knows when I say "You mean I didn't tell you?" that that is the end of the topic.  :grin:) Now go for it, and don't worry about other people, or what they think.... Take it from the guy that didn't stand up and say "To Hell with what everyone else thinks, I want to be with you." You may as well show all this to Cuz as well. Maybe he's in a position like I was and couldn't care less what people think, and could use a co-signer like me. Or, maybe he's the guy that needs to do like I would have, and stand up and say "Your hair looks nice."   

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