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TornLover13

Do they know? Are they trying to tell me it's ok?

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6 posts in this topic

I posted a longer post explaining the difficulties with my relationship and how complicated the situation is but here is the question I have right now....

    So I am divorcing from my husband. I know everyone has strong feelings about cheating and being married makes you off limits but the only reason I am still married is because I have been in a very abusive relationship that has been extremely difficult and terrifying to escape. Also, we have two young children who I can't take out of state without his permission so I'm all tied up in crazy right now. But that aside I am head over heels, real & seriously in love with my 1st cousin. He feels the same and (as I detailed in my 1st post) we have finally told eachother and discussed our feelings with each other and are now working out where we go from here. Our relationship is pure and beautiful.

    Well recently my uncle (his dad) and I have been talking alot. We are very close and we've been talking about my next visit out to see family and how they want me to come out all the time and want me to move there and will support me no matter what and that I can show up anytime, etc. Now he knows I'm having trouble at home and that I'm working at figuring it out so that I can move there. But recently I've noticed that some of the things he says sounds like he may know about me and my cousin. He has never once questioned how close we are, or the fact that we literally spend every day texting and calling each other.

    My uncle was talking to me just the other day about me needing to get away from here and come out there and he starting bringing up the fact that they have pretty much a whole downstairs unit that me and the kids could live in and that they want me to move out there and he kept saying things like "well, to put it simply, *cousin's name* will be delighted" and kept mentioning just how excited and happy my cousin will be if I move in with them and how much my cousin needs me there.

    Do you think he knows what's going on? Cold this be his way of telling me it's ok?

*Update* he talked to me some more today and kept telling me that my cousin and I are blessed to have each other and that I'm my cousin's other half.

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most probably , by the way he talked to you, he knows about Ur relationship with his son..and he seems to be totally cool with it, don't worry so much, once you move into his house , he might show positive signs towards your relationship with ur cousin , maybe directly or indirectly, but be as normal as you can , coz if u don't, u might stir up stupid emotions in him which might lead him to  be the barrier in ur relationship

Love is the most beautiful thing in this world... It will surely not let you down

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I suppose your uncle knows.

As a single mom of 2 kids myself who went through a divorce 5 years ago,  lemme give you a word of caution.  You do not want to jump from one relationship to another so quickly - especially in the scenario you have described where you will be living under the same roof with someone.  You may not be "living together" as is generally understood, but it will be mighty close quarters for the two of you!  And if your marriage was as traumatic as you depict, then for the sake of your children, you , and they, need to take some time to heal.  They need to see a strong mom in their lives.  A mom who can make tough choices and be OK without a man in her life.  I do understand the draw of a romance when you are hurting, but this is not the time to get caught up in something new. 

You have much that needs to be dealt with before you are ready for another relationship.  Take a year to figure out what is best for your kids right now, make life as normal as possible for them, do what you need to do to be financially stable, let the hurt pass and the tears dry before you even think about moving forward with this relationship.

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I'd like to clarify a few things from my post. Thank you guys for your feedback. But it looks like some things are a little fuzzy with my intentions. I do no plan to immediately jump from my marriage to a relationship with my cousin. Our relationship is well established and has just recently broke through to another level but we both have little ones who are our main priority. My main focus going out there is to finish getting my doctorate on Veterinary science so that I have me the most stable and strong provider I can be. What we have been discussing is that when we finally are free of the nightmare that were in right now I should have enough money to get my own place and set aside at least a years worth of bills and rent/mortgage payments so that I may continue putting myself through school. I am unable to do that where we live now. I wish I could but it is too expensive and it's difficult with my husband who is our main income.

    He has had me under his thumb in such a way that he has all the money, all the resources. So that leaving is almost impossible to support ourselves. That's where family comes in. I may need some time to stay with family and look into buying or renting a property, getting the kids into school, being able to watch them when I have class. Almost all of my family lives right next to each other so I would be temporarily moving into that supporst system, not moving in with just my cousin and starting a new family.

    He will be nearby all the time but we both have the kids as a priority, not a new romance

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Glad to hear that about your situation. 

If you haven't already you need to check out your legal rights concerning the divorce.  Talk to a lawyer.  Your soon to be ex may have all control of the resources at this moment, but you will be given child support, provided you are given primary custody, and perhaps even maintenance (alimony).  Do not simply cower to his controlling behavior.  If you can't afford a lawyer, there are resources available to help you manage a divorce yourself.  And there are lawyers that will let you pay off your legal fees as you are able (I'm still paying off mine).

My ex wiped out all of our finances before we divorced - almost $100,000 in savings and retirement, in addition to accruing over $80,000 in credit card debt.  I was primarily a stay at home Army wife who worked a few hours a week to help supplement the income and to give me a creative outlet.  I seemed impossible financially for me to kick the sorry SOB to the curb, but once I did, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was INCREDIBLY difficult the first 2 years of being alone - not knowing if my businesses were going to take off, worrying about paying the mortgage and light bill.  My family helped a lot - with my brother paying for one daughter's dance classes for almost 2 years and my mom paying for my other daughter's cello lessons for even longer.  I was lucky to have family to help.  It is hard, I know.  But allowing someone else to dictate the direction of my life was even more difficult. 

I know this is not related to the question you originally posted, but I think you are smart enough to realize that yes, your uncle knows about you and your cousin.  But that isn't the real issue here.  The real issue is how you are going to deal with the difficulties you have before you right now.

I hope you get it all sorted out soon.

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BTW, you should keep your story in one thread.  I realized after I had posted last here that you had posted in another thread, to which I had also responded, not realizing that you had posted in both places.

Note to self:  double check the author's name before responding.  :lipsrsealed:

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