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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Tib_12

I'm just done

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Hi. Liking him is beginning to hurt really, really badly. I was at a function and he was there and within 20 minutes I started crying. At one point, he said the shortened version of my name, looked at me sadly, like he could tell I was sad and offered me candy. That look and the way he said my name just broke my heart. I went home and cried, the next day I left my math class and cried in the washrooms, a couple of the teachers found me and took me to the counselor. I talked about it, but it didn't help much at all. So, I left in my spare and cried some more, then I calmed down but started to cry in bio class. At lunch, I went with my friend to her vehicle and I bawled and bawled about how I don't know what to do anymore. Even now I'm crying. I literally don't know what to do anymore, I'm hurting so much, and I honestly feel heartbroken. I know nothing will probably happen, but it hurts so much! Maybe, I am young, but really I don't think that matters, because for the past 9+ years I've liked him. I've tried stopping, but he does these things that make my feeling for him to grow even more. I don't really know how to explain my feelings for him. But, I do like other people, just nowhere near as much. So, I was at home that night and was having my meltdown, but I heard my crushes name (let's call him D.L) on the television and I smiled a little and it was my first smile of the night. D.L is honestly not just a comparison to my cousin. So, this might sound dumb but I think he's my way of getting over my cousin. He makes me happy and I usually smile when I think of him. And, oh my gosh, I finally got the nerve to talk to him this week, but I was still nervous so I paused for a few moments looking down, but he waited even though it was really, really cold outside. And, he was looking at me the whole time while we were talking. I was so happy that day. I've caught him looking at me quite a few times, but then other times I don't catch him. So, I'm not taking that as a for sure sign. Other than that, he doesn't really give off any signs, so I don't know whether it's disinterest or he's just good at hiding his feelings, because he's a quiet guy. Can guys be good at hiding their feelings? I want things to work with this boy, so I don't really know what to do with this either. I'm scared that he doesn't like me. There are times where conversation could easily be initiated. But, he doesn't talk to me or anything. Should I just try talking to him more often? See where that goes? Ok, I'm done. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated. And, sorry I went on and on about my love interests. Thanks for reading!

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How old are you and your cousin? Does he have a girlfriend? What part of the world do you live in?

It's not possible from your post to tell whether or not your cousin feels the same way about you as you do about him. It sounds like he's a nice boy who cares about you, but it's not possible to say from your post whether or not he's attracted to you in a sexual/romantic way. It's possible that he does feel the same way about you and is afraid to say so. However, he may merely like you as a cousin and no more.

You're clearly very emotional and you probably have other issues in your life that you need help with too. If you know someone else who is broadminded to whom you can tell your problems without them telling anyone else or being judgmental, then confide in that person.

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Go back and talk to your counselor some more, my dear, and not just once, several times.  Your reactions are out of proportion to the situation.

Are guys good at hiding their feelings?  Um, definitely.  But that's not really the issue here.

The issue is that you are not able to function well, all because some boy is not returning your affections. My dear, when you have lived as long as I have, you will look back and see many, many unrequited loves. As a young woman, you cannot let your self-esteem hinge on the attention a boy is giving you.  You need to keep talking to your counselor and you need to find a passion for your life:  drawing, dance classes, learning to play an instrument, the drama club, a sports team, even something as simple as a book club....let your passions guide you!  Being busy with things you like to do will help boost your confidence in yourself.  But again, I will reiterate, go back and talk to your counselor some more!!

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Go back and talk to your counselor some more, my dear, and not just once, several times.  Your reactions are out of proportion to the situation.

Are guys good at hiding their feelings?  Um, definitely.  But that's not really the issue here.

The issue is that you are not able to function well, all because some boy is not returning your affections. My dear, when you have lived as long as I have, you will look back and see many, many unrequited loves. As a young woman, you cannot let your self-esteem hinge on the attention a boy is giving you.  You need to keep talking to your counselor and you need to find a passion for your life:  drawing, dance classes, learning to play an instrument, the drama club, a sports team, even something as simple as a book club....let your passions guide you!  Being busy with things you like to do will help boost your confidence in yourself.  But again, I will reiterate, go back and talk to your counselor some more!!

Thanks for the advice. But, the counsellor didn't help too much. She asked me why I like him so much. And, that maybe it's good that I liked him, because it kept me away from other boys. And, I don't meltdown every time a guy doesn't like me. I know there will be guys who don't like me back, but I also know I'll find a few guys who will.  And, I am a pretty self confident person, I know I have a great personality and I'm pretty to some people. Yes, I'll let it slip every once and awhile, but it's not always because of my cousin. Even if we never end up together, I'm content with the relationship we have. I know he cares about me, and as long as he cares about me in some way, I'll manage to be happy. I have some of the greatest friends in the world, who give me advice that really does help. Without them, all of this would be pent up and I'd be a real emotional basket case. And, then there's God, I trust in Him the most that He will get me through this. I believe in signs, and I came across a picture that was about not worrying or stressing because God has it handled; sounds odd, but I was thinking 'bout all of this, so I believe in Him. But, on a last note, the counsellor said that I could also be letting him go, in a painful way. Doesn't feel like it; I've always imagined letting him go would be a somewhat happy experience. So, could you maybe shed some light on how "letting go" can work? The counsellor also said that since I like a boy that's not a comparison is a sign of letting my cousin go. I do like this boy, quite a lot, and him and my friends are what is helping me be happy at the moment. Unfortunately, we're not really friends, but he seems like a nice enough boy that at least friendship can happen. But, he's a quiet boy, so I will probably have to do the talking. Which I can do, because I've done it before.

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Hi Tib,

Serendipity is right - you need to go back and see your counsellor. No, she didn't help much during your first session, and she probably won't help much in the second or third or fourth sessions either. Counselling is not a quick fix. It takes time. It will take some time before you feel that you can really trust her, and only then will you start to see some positive progress, so please, stick with it.

*hugs*

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Now, my dear, you can take my advice or you can change your story or make up excuses; it makes no difference to me.  But YOU are the one who said that you cried in math class, in biology class, and at lunch.  YOU are the one who  said you were bawling, having a meltdown and crying as you wrote your first post.  YOU were the one who said that you were heartbroken, and you didn't know what to do.  Your reactions are out of proportion to the situation.

SQ and I are urging you to continue to see your counselor.  SQ is right on when she says that it takes several sessions to build a trust and rapport with a counselor - you cannot expect a miracle in one session!

I'm glad to hear that you have good friends and that you have faith in God.  But do not dismiss the value of a counselor's advice.  You want to know how to "let go"?  Go and work it through with your counselor!

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Now, my dear, you can take my advice or you can change your story or make up excuses; it makes no difference to me.  But YOU are the one who said that you cried in math class, in biology class, and at lunch.  YOU are the one who  said you were bawling, having a meltdown and crying as you wrote your first post.  YOU were the one who said that you were heartbroken, and you didn't know what to do.  Your reactions are out of proportion to the situation.

SQ and I are urging you to continue to see your counselor.  SQ is right on when she says that it takes several sessions to build a trust and rapport with a counselor - you cannot expect a miracle in one session!

I'm glad to hear that you have good friends and that you have faith in God.  But do not dismiss the value of a counselor's advice.  You want to know how to "let go"?  Go and work it through with your counselor!

I'm not getting mad! I'm glad that somebody gave me advice. But, going to see a counsellor to talk about this took all that I had! It was really scary, because of the whole stigma of liking your cousin. And, I've held all of this in for years! (Except for close friends) And, then finally telling someone you barely know, of course it's going to be scary. Thinking about it, she did help me see things that I haven't seen before. But, really she has better things to deal with than a girl who is sad that she likes her cousin and doesn't want to like him anymore. It is her job, but she has other students who have genuine problems, plus she teaches as well. Yes, I did cry the whole morning, I'll admit it. Am I blowing this out of proportion, yeah probably. I'm a very emotional person. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually a very happy kid. I just let it slip, as you've heard. And, I'm trying to see other guys as potential love interests, and I have seen one. And, the question was how "letting go" hurts? I'm a pretty naive kid when it comes to that stuff. Thanks for your help, truly.

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I have acquaintances who are similar to you, and I feel that I understand you.

Your problems are genuine and significant. You're allowed to ask for help and are entitled to receive it. If your counsellor isn't helpful, confide in someone else you trust.

It's good that you're attracted to nice boys, whether it is your cousin, the other boy you fancy, or someone else.

You've not mentioned your family (other than your cousin), so I assume they're not helpful. Concentrate on the good things in your life: you have good friends, and you're a popular, nice, pretty girl with good communication skills and you seem to be intelligent. Try not to let it cause you so much emotional hurt when a boy you're attracted to doesn't return your affections. Millions of people have to deal with unrequited love. Accepting you can't always have the boy you want is part of letting go. Yes it's hurts, I know because I've loved girls who didn't love me. Life isn't fair, but you have the potential to do well in your life. You'll probably find another boy who is even better. Many quiet, shy boys would love a chatty, enthusiastic, extroverted girl like you. Many of them will become more talkative if you show that you like them. Some people are reserved at first with people they don't know well. If you want to know if a boy likes you, ask him what kind of girls he likes.

Sometimes you need to stop and think about the situation calmly, clearly and logically. I know that's difficult because I'm overemotional. Try not to let your histrionic tendencies cause you too much distress. Avoid going down the route of alcohol and drug abuse, as that would destroy someone like you.

You need to have interests other than boys. One way you can use your personality to your advantage is to channel it into something like acting, dance or music.

It's important to do well in school, academically as well as socially. Millions of people wish they had more qualifications, and it is more important than ever, as it is difficult to have a good career if you're not qualified.

A big hug and best wishes to you, babe. Things should go well for you if you make the right decisions.

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I have acquaintances who are similar to you, and I feel that I understand you.

Your problems are genuine and significant. You're allowed to ask for help and are entitled to receive it. If your counsellor isn't helpful, confide in someone else you trust.

It's good that you're attracted to nice boys, whether it is your cousin, the other boy you fancy, or someone else.

You've not mentioned your family (other than your cousin), so I assume they're not helpful. Concentrate on the good things in your life: you have good friends, and you're a popular, nice, pretty girl with good communication skills and you seem to be intelligent. Try not to let it cause you so much emotional hurt when a boy you're attracted to doesn't return your affections. Millions of people have to deal with unrequited love. Accepting you can't always have the boy you want is part of letting go. Yes it's hurts, I know because I've loved girls who didn't love me. Life isn't fair, but you have the potential to do well in your life. You'll probably find another boy who is even better. Many quiet, shy boys would love a chatty, entuhusiastic, extroverted girl like you. Many of them will become more talkative if you show that you like them. Some people are reserved at first with people they don't know well. If you want to know if a boy likes you, ask him what kind of girls he likes.

Sometimes you need to stop and think about the situation calmly, clearly and logically. I know that's difficult because I'm overemotional. Try not to let your histrionic tendencies cause you too much distress. Avoid going down the route of alcohol and drug abuse, as that would destroy someone like you.

You need to have interests other than boys. One way you can use your personality to your advantage is to channel it into something like acting, dance or music.

It's important to do well in school, academically as well as socially. Millions of people wish they had more qualifications, and it is more important than ever, as it is difficult to have a good career if you're not qualified.

A big hug and best wishes to you, babe. Things should go well for you if you make the right decisions.

Thank you!  It's not that they're not helpful, they are, it's just that I don't feel comfortable telling them. I just don't want something like knowing this looming around. Every single one of my family members is amazing. I was at a family Christmas party last night, and I was truly happy and having a good time. They accept me as family, despite the fact that I'm adopted, and I absolutely love that!!

As for boys, yeah I do like them, but I'm a teenage girl so...yeah they're just lovely creatures :P. I'll try talking to the guy I like more often, nerve wracking stuff though. But, I do have things I'm passionate about, like watching hockey and running. Hockey is just that sport I love and running is just my way to vent, it's helped me lose weight and I became a way more confident person because of it.

I'm pretty strong academically, I love English, but hate Math..with a passion. As long as I keep trying, I'll do fine in school. Drugs don't interest me.

But, anywho, thank you so much for your advice.

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