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frenchie1218

Went to my couins for New Years now I need advice

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I went to my cousins house for New Year's Eve and only his parents were there with us

We went upstairs to hang out and get away from his parents and we ended up making out and having sex

We've had a secret thing for three years. We made out three years ago, on thanksgiving and now New Year's Eve but we had never had sex..

I don't know what to do because I honestly believe that I'm in love with him I've always felt an electric attraction between us and so has he. I feel bad because He has a girlfriend and we all go to the same school (her and him are seniors I'm a junior)

I told him I felt bad because he's dating her and he said that he doesn't like dating her because they've been friends since childhood and it doesn't feel right to him but he can't break up with her even though he wants to because his parents would be mad at him for it and because he doesn't want to ruin their friendship

He says he's going to break up with her soon though he promised me he would because he feels about it also

He told me he doesn't want to lose me though and he's acting like my boyfriend when we aren't around people. Where we live we aren't free to be open with our feelings towards each other and our families wouldn't accept us.

Am I a bad person for loving him? I know I seem young (I'm 17) but I've never felt anything more real in my life and I think about "us" all the time. It hurts me to think that we may never be able to be together and that all we will ever be is a secret

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Frenchie,

You are not a bad person, so just erase that thought from your mind.  I was 16 when I first connected with my cousin and it was, as you say, electric.  I am afraid that I do not have time right now to write as much as I would like to, but I wanted to give you some encouragement that there is nothing wrong with you as a person just because you are having these feelings for your cousin.  As for the practical matters, such as his girlfriend and your not being able to be open about your relationship (you did not specify why you could not, but alluded to it being related to where you live), that could be a whole other situation.  I will write more when I can, but please know that you have found a community of kindred spirits...

WTW

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frenchie,

Having feelings for your cousin does not make you a bad person.

You are all mixed up right now because you did things out of order.  That is, you slept with a boy without having a commitment from him.  He is making excuses about why he "can't" break up with his girlfriend; Trust me, no parent is going to be upset with their teenage child for breaking up with a boy/girlfriend - we are used to the ever changing status of our teenagers' romances!  :cheesy:  And he is treating you like a delicious little secret - not like somebody he is proud to be seen with.  And you think that your parents' won't accept the two of you, but you don't really know until you tell them (which I would NOT recommend at this point).

Now, maybe he is mixed up and doesn't know what to do, but that doesn't change the fact that YOU had the power to say "No" to sex.  See, us women get all emotionally discombobulated when we have a physical relationship with someone and you engaged in the physical act before you got to know him and had a chance to decide if this is the type of guy you want to date.  So you put your emotions in the forefront and now your brain can't think straight!  I understand the chemistry that exists in some relationships - I've felt that electric attraction for my cousin since I was younger than you - but the electric attraction does not a relationship make.

I hope you protected yourself from disease and unwanted pregnancy when you were with your cousin.

Words are meaningless unless accompanied by action.  He says that he is going to break up with his GF "soon", but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen.  Until he decides that he wants to treat you with dignity and respect, you need to cut off all communication with him.  Otherwise you are going to be the pitiful other woman waiting for a small sign of encouragement from a guy who just wants to use you.

I know that right now your emotions are out of control.  You won't die from this, I promise.  We've all been there and we have all survived!  You probably don't want to hear that you need to steer clear of this boy, but you really do.  At least for now.  The pain will subside and you will be a stronger person for demanding dignity and respect from boys.

For now, focus on school.  You will begin to apply for universities in the fall.  So hit the books, do some things to vamp up your resume, take an ACT or SAT class (or 2 or 3).  Focus on yourself and getting ready for the next phase of your life. 

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Thank you for what you said, I was safe about it and they Broke up... I told him I need time to think and he said he will wait for however long it takes for me to make a decision I now just hope I make a good one. As I'm sure you can tell decision making apparently isn't my strongest attribute. How did you get the courage to be open with your feelings towards your cousin? By this I don't only mean open to the world I mean open with yourself about it as well as your cousin? I often find myself trying to suppress my feelings and hide them.

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How do you get the courage to be open with your feelings?  That comes with being a confident, secure person.  Once you know who YOU are, what you want out of life, what your moral parameters are, then you are able to make decisions that are good for you and you can feel good about the decisions you make. 

I would advise that you start a project that interests you:  learn to play an instrument, join a club at school, volunteer somewhere, etc.  Do something that gives you a sense of pride. Commit yourself to learning something new for the next year. Learning  new skills helps us to grow our problem solving skills, our worldview, and our confidence. 

When we suppress our feelings, we are feeling conflicted:  We want to do something but we are afraid of other people's reactions.  A strong, secure, confident person does not live in fear of other's reactions.

Do nothing concerning your cousin.  My advice to steer clear of him still stands. Focus on school and developing a new skill. 

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