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soulfighter

Reflecting back

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Once upon a time in 2013 I unexpectedly fell in love with my cousin. He was17 and I was 21. Reflecting back before loving him beyond as cousin occured to us. I had always been indifferent with him, and was always hot headed and argumentice with him, I wasn't really nice to him before, I was rather distant but it was around March that changed me, I don't know what happened but my intentions for him around that time was to be  just nice and reconcile with him; to begin again but something went out of hand, as I began to get closer to him emotionally getting to know him better, one day, one look from him changed how I feel about him. I was studying at our dinning table that time preparing for a board exam and i foynd him looking at me through the window, his gaze at me was so different that time, I cannot help but keep looking back at him as he was just there staring at my eyes at a 6 feet distance, he gave me a different feeling. Then afterwards time went on, we've gotten closer, it came around after his graduation at his highschool, we used to spend some time together, it was fun, there was a mixture of a warm feeling churning inside of me, that I knew right then, I was falling in love. I began to send him gifts, lots of eye contact and got a lot closer until one time  I did something foolish, deep inside me something persuaded me to do it, as I was becoming confused and anticipating for more answers to my own questions and the curiosity within me is brewing, the question is "if i don't do this now, will i regret it forever? Does he feel the same way about me, as what i had felt with my own instincts, will i only be assuming or what i felt was right? Does he love me back, the way his actions tells me, or am i wrong?" So that one night have really changed the relationship between us even more. That night was the night, I came bravely into his room and kissed him randomly on his lips so with no motion but slowly i felt he moved his lips and so i began to move a rhythm nsync  with his, until we reached a level of such intense passion i knew i felt aroused that time but the sudden guilt and fear stopped me before anything else happened that night, though i wanted too. We have talked about it the next day and i asked him if he felt anything that night, he said 'yes', i told him i feel the same way abd i began telling him that after what had happened if only we were'nt cousins i would have like to date him, to get to know him better, to become my boyfriend, he said he feels the same way but then we also talked that night that it shouldn't happen again so i asked a final request that i ask for a kiss, he refused but i was so insisting that i impulsively just grabbed his face and kissed him passionately on his lips, he was motionless that time but after a few moments he just grabbed my shoulders and made me stop. I thought that would be the end of it, but deep inside me i needed more.

Days and weeks had passed us, until one night we were texting, he was just at the next room to mine (we're living in the same house) he send me good night kisses and i asked him in a flirty and daring way, is that only it? Through text? So he asked me to come over him  and kiss him goodnight, just a goodnight kiss. Which i did. It was just a smack on the lips and i got back to my room, he text me again that he wanted for us to kiss again, whoch i did but this time it was more with passion, he even kissed with tongue against each other but he pushed me by my shoulders after awhile and asked me to go back into my room and sleep, i agrred but before i left i kissed him in his lips again briefly and went. But as i went  into my room, i got a provoking text message from him that's what disturbed me. He wanted to end what's happening to us, he said he doesn't want to ask a relationship with me anymore. That this  is all crazy. That night, i couldn't stop him, i have no strength in my that time to stop him and fight. But i didn't, when that could have been my chance.

Days, weeks and months have passed, he had left us for college but i still loved him until i've finally made up my mind to tell him i love him though i cannot force him to stay with me, i was more confused that time and i still haven't figured it out, the words are not coming out right, so months drag on i still have no replies from him until one time he came home ti stay a few nights with us at home, i can't help myslef, i came into his room impulsively because i want to figure this out, i cobfronted him if this is really it? He said yes, its done. That it was just all lust and i should just forget, that its just all in my head that the main reason he can't be with me is because he does not love me but only as uis cousin. (That broke my heart even more) was he just lying? Denying? Pushing me away? Is this his onky way to make it stop? To end everything with me? By hurting me?

I can't stop crying after that, but after a few moremonths and i still didn't give up hope, i confronted with him again and again but it got worst in the end, he said the things i fear the most of all hearing, i turned out to be the bad guy, he turned the tables to me as if i turned out to be the one running after him that it's all my fault and my own doing, and that he doesn't love me the way i feel about him. It hurt me so bad that time, i cried myself to sleep, i cried over and over and i almost did not get over it so what i did was kept myself busy just so i can forget everything or better yet just so i can divert my attention and i believe right up to know i'm still doing it and its the thing that keeps my strenght up to do my work even how tiring it can be, i was more energetic in my work, i tire myself so that all the pain in me has converted physically so i may release it from there but deep inside me i know the hurt is still there but i just kept denying the pain inside me, i am running away from it trying to escape from it, i know i will never forget so let me alone just get along with my life trying to fix myself, others doesn't know but i just keep on smiling to people. I'm far away from him now but still he has my heart partially with him, i'm trying to move on, God knows i'm trying hard. I know what i'm going through is the 5 stages of grief and i am now on the fourth and the most worst part before reaching acceptance is depression. I am going through it but what else can i do. It is rather an insult to myself if i kept pursuading him to stay with me knowing he will just continue hurting me by his words, i can't force him, so i told myself, let go. let GOd.

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Hi,

I hope you don't mind if I answer in Tagalog. :P Tingin ko Pilipino ka eh. hehe. :)

...that the main reason he can't be with me is because he does not love me but only as uis cousin. (That broke my heart even more) was he just lying? Denying? Pushing me away? Is this his onky way to make it stop? To end everything with me? By hurting me?

Maaaring hindi ka niya mahal (maaari ring oo) at that time pero sigurado akong may nararamdaman siya sa iyo. Iba yung mahal kesa sa may nararamdaman eh. I have been there. Lalaki ako eh, at nagumpisa kami ng pinsan ko 17 ako at 15 siya. Parehas kami ng edad ng pinsan mo kaya siguro may konting ideya ako (hindi man accurate ng buong-buo) sa kung anong tumatakbo sa utak niya at that time.

Nararamdaman kong nasaktan ka (and you have the full right to be!!) pero hindi mo siya mapipilit kung hindi kayo "tatawid parehas" eh. Alam mo yun? Sa sitwasyon niya, naisip niya siguro yung mangyayari sa hinaharap (if you want to know my story, I can happily share rin. hehe) and so he decided to stop the thing. Yes, masakit man sa ngayon (sigurado ako nasaktan din yun! hindi man at that exact time, pero magsisink-in yun and he's hurting as well) pero it may be good for both of you in the future... :)

Then I guess you asked,

was he just lying? Denying? Pushing me away? Is this his onky way to make it stop? To end everything with me? By hurting me?

No, he is not lying. It's just that magpinsan kayo eh at hindi niya kayang suportahan sa pamamagitan ng actions niya yung nararamdaman niya. Sa lalake kasi magkaiba yun eh. Buti sana kung nakatapos na siya ng kolehiyo, kung may trabaho na siya, kung settled na ba siya, and so on and so forth.. Pero wala pa eh.. Wala pa siyang maipagmamalaki so-to-speak. :( Bata pa yung pinsan mo at antayin mong lumaki-laki pa ng konti. Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't-isa, gagawin ng Maykapal na maging kayo eh. Alam mo yun? Pero at this point, medyo blurry pa eh.. At eto, didiretsahin kita ah -- na it is very likely na makahanap rin ng ibang babae yung pinsan mo as his girlfriend. If ever that's the case, then hindi nga kayo 'meant to be for each other'. alam mo yun?

I can also say na pinilit niyang ideny yung nararamdaman niya not only for his sake but also for yours. Kung responsable siyang tao (mas kilala mo siya kesa sa akin), alam niya ang magiging kalbaryo ninyo in the long-run.

I can also say na yes he pushed you away... to force you to leave him alone para makapag-isip-isip at para masort niya ang nararamdaman niya, naiisip niya at ang action niyang dapat gawin. Remember na lalake siya at siya ang magdadala ng relasyon ninyo.. Tama? As to kung ang konklusyon niya eh "to stop this", it's up to him.

It is also likely that ayaw ka naman niya talagang saktan eh. It's just that nadala siya ng naramdaman niya rin at that time. Pramis, kaming mga lalake, ayaw naming makasakit ng babae no lalo na kung may nararamdaman kami for her! Pero yung apparent niyang pananakit sa iyo is merely a consequence ng mas malalim na bagay sa inner turmoil na nararanasan niya rin.

Eto ang payo ko sa iyo:

I think nasa right track ka naman eh. Sabi mo,

divert my attention and i believe right up to know i'm still doing it and its the thing that keeps my strenght up to do my work even how tiring it can be, i was more energetic in my work, i tire myself so that all the pain in me has converted physically so i may release it from there

I think this is the right way to go. Ako kasi, ganito rin ginawa ko eh. 11 years na kami ng pinsan ko. I told her during the course ng relationship namin, "Kung tayo, tayo talaga eh". "Pag hindi tayo, hindi". Natapos ako ng highschool, then natapos na rin ng kolehiyo, then nagpost-graduation studies, then trabaho... Kumbaga, iset-up mo muna ang sarili mo.. darating din kayo riyan. :)

Wag kang madedepress no. Hindi naman bumaba ang self-worth mo eh. Believe me, walang nawala sa iyo. Yes, nasaktan ka. Yes, naging premature siguro kayong dalawa. But it's normal! Hindi bumaba ang self-worth mo -- yun tatandaan mo. Wag kang lalapit sa kanya pero siya ang palapitin mo. Remember na lalake siya (kaya may bayag dapat siya) at babae ka naman kaya it is your prerogative na mag-antay. Hindi ba maganda yung walang ginagawa paminsan? hehe.. Sa karanasan ko, mahirap maging lalake no (or what I mean is 'magpakalalake',hehe)

Wag mong isiping magmove on but rather focus on what is at present. You do not need to try hard -- aba,  nakakapagod kaya yang 'trying hard' na yan! Hindi ba? Hindi ka ba napapagod?! Nakakapagod yan eh, diba?! Alam ni God yan.

Kung may tanong ka, tanong ka lang. :)

Pooch

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