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So... I'm really confused

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I guess this is as best a place as any to ask this.

So my whole life I grew up firmly imbedded as to what was and was not taboo. I don't know who taught me and I don't know when exactly I learned this.

I've lived with my cousin for two years now. We're really close. She says she loves me like a brother but then if I say anything like that she says we're not really like that.

Really protective over her. For the longest time I was her go to guy for anything.

Before all that though... I never even really knew her. She was there but we didn't ever really hang out.

So when I first came to live here she was really... Clingy to say the least. Always hanging off of me at parties. I thought it was kinda weird but eventually I just went with it. It kind of took off from there I guess. She's said some really sweet things to me and we've cuddled a lot. Like...my other cus freaks out if she even brushes near me. That's pretty much what I expect.

So lately for the past 6 months I've been really bothered because I actually admitted to myself that I'm in love with my cousin. I didn't plan on this. I didn't want this. I'm stuck with it and I feel awful about it. It's eaten me up inside. I've talked to a couple people, regrettably while drunk, which has been little help. The only actual assurance is that I finally cracked when one of my other cousins was asking me what was wrong with me and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Basically said that I can't help it.

Like... I don't understand even what I'm feeling. I really feel like I've never loved anyone else before and that no one else has loved me because... It's always involved sex, which easily confuses lust for love. There is no sex in this relationship. I don't want it to be like that. I'm platonically in love.

I'm constantly tearing my mind apart wondering what would happen if she found out how I feel. Sometimes I think she knows and I just over think things! She has a boyfriend now, I've noticed since then she's not like she was as much. Less cuddling less sweet talk.

I almost died a  few months ago in a natural disaster. I was thinking "Shit. I never said anything and in about to drown in 10 feet of sewage and gasoline". Yet here I am, I haven said a damn thing. I'm just plagued with feelings I don't understand and fears I don't want.

Anyways. I don't know. I can't talk to anyone besides family which obviously doesn't fly well... Except with my other cousin I guess but we're not really related and we were like childhood BF GF kinda kids stuff for a while just cutesy stuff. Even her though , when we got older I never thought anything. My step aunt came in with the lights off and the door closed playing the N64 and proceeded to lecture on doors being closed while my cousin made a remark about putting paper bags on each others heads... Lol

So ya... As the title says, I'm realllllllllllly confused here.  I don't think I should feel bad about this? But I do. I'm finding I'm needing to express it, I don't know why. More so the confusion over the emotion. I feel like that's setting me up to get caught though, I don't know how that would end.

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It's not even something I think I could really talk to her about either. Most  of the time when were like that, we're drunk. Maybe because it makes it less weird, probably. I don't think id cuddle her sober, I don't think she would cuddle me sober. We get drunk but always remember. So I dunno.

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It seems that you're going thru a lot. I don't really know wat else to say except best of wishes and good luck bro.

Btw, forget what others are saying about u and your cousin. What matter is how you feel. From the sounds of it, it does look like u hav strong feelings for her.

Since she has a bf now, u gotta be patient now and just be by her side when she needs u.

One day hopefully, u will get the chance to express your true feelings towards her  :smiley:

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