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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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phillies13

Romance... 1st cousin... both married... wtf?

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So here it is...  I'm in my forties, married for 16 years, 2 small kids.  She's my first cousin, thirties, married for 3 years, no kids.

We've always been unusually close and although very touchy-feely, had never crossed any lines.  About ten years ago we were watching TV on a couch alone together cuddling and ended up feeling each other up.  We never really spoke about it but both enjoyed it.  That was until this week when we were staying in a hotel room with other family members in town for a funeral.  She and I shared the bedroom half of a suite, I was sleeping on the floor.  Before we went to bed we were again watching TV and ended up rubbing and caressing all night.  We really got no sleep but lay in each others arms entwined (sp?), we touched every part of each others bodies and pleasured each other.  In the morning we had a mutual feeling of ease and were both quite comfortable with each other.  We have not "slept together" yet but I'm certain that we are both looking forward to the next time we have an opportunity (which is in a few weeks).

We are both in good marriages and are not looking for more than what we have with each other.  It feels so good but we know it's so wrong in many ways.  I love her and she loves me but in our own cousin sort of way.

Any comments, suggestions, similar situations are appreciated.

Thanks.

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you're a married man. ACT like it. you have no business staying in the same room with a woman who is not your wife, and the fact that you are "looking forward" to the next opportunity to act on impulse in a way that will forever damage your marriage speaks ill of your character.

oh, and don't insult your wife by calling your marriage "good", when clearly you aren't behaving like a good and faithful husband. surely you don't think that just because you haven't yet got your weenie wet that you haven't cheated.

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you're a married man. ACT like it. you have no business staying in the same room with a woman who is not your wife, and the fact that you are "looking forward" to the next opportunity to act on impulse in a way that will forever damage your marriage speaks ill of your character.

oh, and don't insult your wife by calling your marriage "good", when clearly you aren't behaving like a good and faithful husband. surely you don't think that just because you haven't yet got your weenie wet that you haven't cheated.

[move]Ditto[/move]

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Ok so I posted here for a couple reasons.  The first is because I realize that there is a lot wrong with this situation on so many levels.  Secondly, This is a situation that has been cursing us for many years.  If we weren't afraid of the stigma that comes with being with one's first cousin then perhaps we may have gone a different route altogether.  So, yes it is cheating.  Yes, I am looking forward to acting on impulses next time, and I realize that you may pass judgement on my character.

I did not post here to be judged but to have some constructive advice, and help with making right decisions.  I know your going to say, that's what you did but the tone and the choice of words are insulting.  My posting was not to brag but to be honest with the way I feel for someone and the situation that I'm in.  I didn't guess that the morality of my actions were so far beneath those who would reply.  I myself understand the situation from a moral level.  I get that.  I guess what I want to know is what to do with these feelings that have been inside for so long.  Her feelings are mutual.  We both have spouses and yet we long to be together but at what cost?  My wife and I have had "open" minds as far as introducing others into our bedroom in the past.  She as well as I have acted and it has always been after discussion and rules.  If this situation had involved anyone else I would not be posting.  Perhaps I mistakenly posted here in hopes of hearing similar feelings and situations.  I apologize to whom it may concern. 

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phillies, it's not my place to judge. i've certainly led a less than stellar life for most of my years, myself. but YOU are at a crossroads. YOU have the chance RIGHT NOW to make a choice, to either act on selfish impulses or do the right thing. you may not like my tone, but "my" tone is irrelevant. so is my opinion, for that matter. the only RELEVANT thing is for you to distinguish right from wrong and make choices accordingly.

it doesn't matter what the history is, or what circumstances, stigmas, fears, or whatever kept the two of you from following your hearts long ago. you both made commitments to other people.

you want to know about counting the cost. what about the cost that your wife and her (your cousin's) husband will be forced to pay if you pursue this with your cousin? what right do you (or she) have to put your spouses in that situation? or your children!

there are a lot of people who come here in similar situations as yours. and if you stick around long enough, i'm sure someone will pat you on the back and say "screw everything, follow your heart, be with your cousin, and let your wife and kids deal with it." is that what you really want to hear? you want someone to give you the green light to devastate the lives of four other people? (more than that really... because this would affect more than just the spouses and children.)

yes, lots of people come here expecting this to be a place where everybody is so gung-ho for cousin relationships that nothing else matters to us. but the truth is, the vast majority of us hold the sanctity of marriage in much higher esteem than adultery, under any circumstances. and in spite of the 'open mind' you and your wife have had in the past regarding sexual flings, it's pretty clear that you know she either no longer feels that way, or that you are in some other way violating her trust when it comes to this particular fling.

if you want to be with your cousin, then BEFORE the two of you have an opportunity to cheat again, come clean with your families, file for your respective divorces, and then go do whatever you want. there is no grey area here. you either stay faithful or you don't. if you are so incapable of self-control that you can't do right by your family, then take yourself out of the family. or at least give your wife the option of staying with you while giving you the freedom to screw around.

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I'm going to have to echo the previous replies.  I understand that you're having a hard time trying to process this.  Ultimately, you want to have your cake and eat it, too.  The reality is that you can play "what if" games about what might have happened if you and your cousin had gotten together before either of you met your current spouses all day long, but neither of you are the people you were then and neither of you would be the people you are today if you had, for better or worse.

At this point, there's really nothing you can do that is going to be a winning situation for anyone involved.  You absolutely must find a way to put your desires in check and break all contact with your cousin.  Your marriage is your primary relationship and you absolutely must nurture that.  If you do not, you know very well that there will be consequences.

I'll ask you to consider your wife in all of this and any children as well.  Remember, your job is to be the kind of man you want your daughters to marry.  Your job is to be the kind of husband and father you want your son to be to his wife and your grandchildren.  Above all, you know you have made a life-long commitment to a woman you claim you still love (your wife). You absolutely owe her your very best.

With regard to your cousin, you and she have made a mistake.  It's an understandable mistake (though I doubt your wife would agree on that point or understand at all - she may even suffer the guilt, blaming herself, which is totally unfair).  What we don't do as intelligent human beings is keep making the same mistakes over and over without learning from them and correcting them.  How you correct this one is a big challenge.  The first step is for you to accept that it IS a HUGE mistake and that you do need to correct it.  Until you do that, I'm afraid there's nothing to offer.

Hoping you'll make the right choice,

CM

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