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Anonymous

Tricky situation with my second cousin.

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Hi guys, I had posted a topic on here before, however as the situation has changed I thought I'd start a new topic.

When I first posted here, I talked about how me and my second cousin were in love, but she had a boyfriend, at the time no one else knew of the situation.

Now I find myself in another tricky situation. She is now single, and both of our family know that we like each other and that we've been meeting up and so on. The reaction on the whole has been positive so that isn't an issue, or at least i thought it wasn't.

We're meeting up several times a week and when we're together, it feels like we're in a relationship, however, we are not. We go on dates, we hang out in each others homes and we tell each other several times a day that we love each other. We've even thought about the future and even talked about getting married and even having kids of our own.

Anyway, to the point, tonight I decided to talk to her about our situation and where it's heading as we aren't actually in a relationship. She told me despite wanting to be in a relationship with me, she doesn't know if it will happen as she's petrified of what will happen to our families if we didn't work out and said it's too much to risk.

I've tried to reassure her that we will work out but her response is "how do you know?"

I really don't know what to do next...

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You know what you should do next? You should tell her the truth! Tell her your feelings. What are your plans, what are your fears, what are you willing to do and willing to sacrifice. Be an open book to her if you really have feelings for her.

If you are not sure about how you guys are going to move forward, then tell her. Tell her everything. Have an open heart-to-heart talk to one another, and basically clear up all the smoke in the air. Remember to not make things more complicated as it is complicated already at present. The moment you guys have an hour or two of real, substantial and heavy conversation, you will both know what to do. :)

Pooch

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ok first of all, define relationship for me. because like it or not, you two ARE in a relationship. maybe you haven't made it a COMMITTED relationship, but the fact that you're dating several times a week, telling each other you love each other, and even have discussed the topic of marriage is, without a doubt, a relationship.

so what you really want, i think, is commitment. and she's gun shy.

you can't promise her that the two of you will work out. nobody can. nobody ever gets married thinking that it's only temporary, and yet the divorce rate for first marriages is between 40 and 50%, depending on who gathered the data.... and the highest percentage of those who divorce occurs when the couple got married in their early 20s. (that info is found at http://www.divorcerate.org/). so promising that nothing will ever go wrong is just plain silly. it's a promise that you can't make.

but...

it IS a promise that the two of you, should you choose to move forward, can KEEP. and i think more discussion is something that needs to take place. discussions that are realistic, not just pipe dreams. what do each of you expect out of a marriage? how do the two of you plan to make sure that your vows are kept? how can you insure that another romantic interest won't ever nose their way in and ruin things? what ground rules are the two of you willing to make, and keep, to protect the sanctity of your marriage, should the two of you take that chance? what does the phrase "foresaking all others" mean to each of you?

that's the first one. the big one. because if you or she thinks that either of you can keep friends of the opposite sex, hanging out with them, letting them be a confidante, then you are both setting your relationship up for failure. to protect a relationship, a good rule of thumb is that neither of you should ever be in a situation where you are alone (in person, on the phone, in a text or other kind of communication) with someone of the opposite sex who is not immediate family. that means your significant other or a third party should always be present... a chaperone system. THAT will protect your marriage from infidelity.

but you also need to discuss matters such as finances... children... discipline... matters of faith.

and you need to talk about what how the two of you will handle things when one of you feels taken for granted. when the romance fades. when the sex becomes infrequent. because those things will happen. you need to make a plan NOW for how to bring it up, and how to work together to get through it.

i know, this sounds like a lot to talk about with someone who is too scared to even commit to a relationship. but the reason women are usually afraid to commit is because there is so much uncertainty. and it sounds like that's exactly what she's scared of. all  the what if's that will come up.

so talk them out now. deal with the what if's. it may not change her mind. but it might just give her enough emotional security to take that chance with you.

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Thank you LadyC, you've definitely shone some light on the situation and came from an angle I hadn't even considered.

Great advice, I will sure have a talk with her when I see her next.

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ok first of all, define relationship for me. because like it or not, you two ARE in a relationship. maybe you haven't made it a COMMITTED relationship, but the fact that you're dating several times a week, telling each other you love each other, and even have discussed the topic of marriage is, without a doubt, a relationship.

so what you really want, i think, is commitment. and she's gun shy.

you can't promise her that the two of you will work out. nobody can. nobody ever gets married thinking that it's only temporary, and yet the divorce rate for first marriages is between 40 and 50%, depending on who gathered the data.... and the highest percentage of those who divorce occurs when the couple got married in their early 20s. (that info is found at http://www.divorcerate.org/). so promising that nothing will ever go wrong is just plain silly. it's a promise that you can't make.

but...

it IS a promise that the two of you, should you choose to move forward, can KEEP. and i think more discussion is something that needs to take place. discussions that are realistic, not just pipe dreams. what do each of you expect out of a marriage? how do the two of you plan to make sure that your vows are kept? how can you insure that another romantic interest won't ever nose their way in and ruin things? what ground rules are the two of you willing to make, and keep, to protect the sanctity of your marriage, should the two of you take that chance? what does the phrase "foresaking all others" mean to each of you?

that's the first one. the big one. because if you or she thinks that either of you can keep friends of the opposite sex, hanging out with them, letting them be a confidante, then you are both setting your relationship up for failure. to protect a relationship, a good rule of thumb is that neither of you should ever be in a situation where you are alone (in person, on the phone, in a text or other kind of communication) with someone of the opposite sex who is not immediate family. that means your significant other or a third party should always be present... a chaperone system. THAT will protect your marriage from infidelity.

but you also need to discuss matters such as finances... children... discipline... matters of faith.

and you need to talk about what how the two of you will handle things when one of you feels taken for granted. when the romance fades. when the sex becomes infrequent. because those things will happen. you need to make a plan NOW for how to bring it up, and how to work together to get through it.

i know, this sounds like a lot to talk about with someone who is too scared to even commit to a relationship. but the reason women are usually afraid to commit is because there is so much uncertainty. and it sounds like that's exactly what she's scared of. all  the what if's that will come up.

so talk them out now. deal with the what if's. it may not change her mind. but it might just give her enough emotional security to take that chance with you.

Nice post LadyC. I really like it. :)

This is exactly my feelings as well. I cannot put it in even better words... :)

To Anonymous, don't rush man... I do think that she is not in a rush either but at the same time weighing on things. Take it one step at a time. It's good that you guys are having conversations here and there. But all of these will come naturally as they say. Before you know it, she and you will know what to do -- either go on to the commitment or just break it off.

Keep us updated. ^_^

Pooch

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Anonymous, you're welcome.

Pooch, you and i were posting at the same time... it just took me longer. i gave you karma for your answer. i knew you and i were thinking along the same lines, i just spelled it out more. :)

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