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Guest daughterofeve

Hi, I'm daughterofeve and I'm in love with my cousin

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Oh God this is hard! But here it goes, I'm 26 and I think I'm in love with my first cousin. We've known each other our whole lives, and I used to think of him as a brother, until a few days ago. He lives in Britain and I live in Germany, though we are both Romanian and we both came to Romania for Christmas. He came to visit and although we hadn't seen each other for 7 years it felt like no time at all. Before I could realize what was going on, the familiarity turned to teasing, the teasing to flirting and some heavy cuddling and touching. We were very close to kissing several times, but we stopped. Part of me feels really guilty about it, but the other part really wishes we did kiss...

You see, maybe it is because we're related and I've known him for so long, but he makes me feel so safe, and when I was in his arms it felt like I belonged there. If any other guy would have tried what he did, I would have sent him straight to hell (excuse the language), but somehow I seem to have no willpower when he is around.

Now he's gone and I'm also going back to Germany tomorrow, and I miss him so much. He wrote saying how much he misses me and that we should get married, but we cannot have kids. I've always thought I wanted kids, but I would give it up if it meant we can be together, but our family would never approve. Yes, we could elope, but I know it would break their hearts and I don't know if I can live with that. Is it worth it? Maybe it would just go away, maybe it's just a fling... 

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Welcome to cc.com :)  ... Well are you and your cuz in any other relationships currently?  Are there any other parties involved in your lives, or kids?

If not then it sounds like this is something that the two of you should explore further.  As for your respective family's opinions, wait until the two of you figure out what is going on between you before crossing that bridge, just for now.

As for having children, there is genetic counselling available so the choice of a relationship with your cousin doesn't necessarily rule out becoming a parent, please read the info on this site for the information about the statistical genetic risks.

Good luck!  Lori :)

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Hi Lori,

thank you for your answer. Actually, yes, he is in a relationship, although from what he said it's not serious. He is not in love with her and she is still in love with her ex. I don't really like her, for obvious reasons, and of course I wouldn't agree with a relationship unless they broke it off, but as of now I don't feel I have any right to ask him that.

When I started to have these feelings for him I thought I was the only nutcase in the world to feel that, but now that I read these posts I see I'm not :P I'm still somewhat in denial, you know, and angry with myself that I allowed myself to feel that for him, but it all happened so fast and so sudden and I feel I have no control over it.

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Wow, he already mentioned the "M" word? Sounds like me!  :laughter:

From just this little bit here, I can't and won't tell you whether you should get married, but I certainly think it's worth pursuing through a nice healthy courtship/friendship.  Get to know one another more through Skype, Facebook, Skype (I said it twice on purpose), and by seeing one another as much as possible.  Travel between England and Germany can be a little expensive, but if you can find some long weekends to spend together either in Germany, England, or even France, the Netherlands, etc., it may be worth putting up with the trains, RyanAir, and all that.  Just try to force yourselves to take it slowly (okay, I'm the pot calling the kettle black here).

As far as family goes, there may be some good reason to keep family in the dark while you both try to figure out what you want to do with this as a relationship.  The LAST thing you need is that drama.  In my mind, I'd wait until we both know what we want before we go telling family what we're thinking because it just complicates things and does not help to answer the question.  Once you've decided what you want to do, if that means you want to get married, you do it and you let family deal with their own feelings on the subject.

One caveat:  I do not know how the Romanian Church feels about cousin marriage (I'm guessing you're Eastern Orthodox) or whether you care what the Church says about it.  I do know that the Roman Catholic Church generally prohibits first cousin marriage as a matter of church law but may consider it with dispensation.  Of course, you can also get married in England or Germany without Church consent (I do not know if cousin marriage is legal in Romania).

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Thank you ColoradoMarried for your nice reply! Yes, he did already mention the 'M' word :girl_haha:

Apparently, the Romanian law prohibits the marriage between relatives up to and including first cousins, i.e. us, although they do say there is a possibility of it being allowed, but they do not mention under which circumstances.

The Orthodox Church doesn't allow it either, but that's not a problem since we are both Evangelical. We also don't plan to go back to Romania, so if we do decide to be together and get married I think we'd be pretty safe in Britain or Germany. But as you said, at this point I really just want to know if we would work out as a couple without all the family and marriage drama. I know a secret long-distance relationship between cousins is not ideal, but I'd rather give that a try than spend my whole life wondering what if.

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Mary and I had known each other since we were 2 and 4 respectively. When we were teens we were interested in each other but I let the cousin thing and the thought of family reaction stand in the way. We each married other people, me twice. After my last divorce and her divorce we finally decided we didn't care what others thought. We started with friendly weekends mid way between her home and mine (about 3 hours away for each of us). Two years later we married and guess what! For the most part, the family couldn't care less. We are now in our 50's and if not for the children we have from our marriages (11 in all) I really wish I had married her 33 years ago. I think my sister said it best: "If it doesn't directly effect them, 99% of the people in the world (family included) couldn't care less what you do." Take it slow and be sure it's what you really want. I will readily admit that the first time I kissed Mary after all these years (our first kiss was when she was 13 and I was 15) I knew I was home. When I help her, I was even more convinced. We now sleep in each others arms every night and it is the best. God bless you.

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Update: I just booked my ticket and I'm going to visit him--and his family--in April!  :cool: I'm both really excited and scared at the same time. Although, we sometimes act like we're already together and make plans for the future, I still feel like this can go either way at this point. But I have to try. Wish me luck!  :rolleyes:

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It's been many months since the original posting. I wonder how things are going now for daughterofeve..?

It must have been really awkward to see his parents with your secret relationship together. Were they suspicious? Did they encourage or discourage you two?

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@CaptPicard80: The trip went quite well, but the relationship crashed and burned. It was weird for the first few minutes there, but then everyone was really nice and friendly and nobody knows about us, nor will they ever find out, hopefully (though I sometimes think some of them might suspect something, but nobody said anything). I think I posted more of the story in "Is it really worth it" and "Giving up"

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I can understand your problem. But I visited France last month. I was actually there for my cousins marriage at villa saint tropez. The people in France were not having those problems as mention above. So according to me that's also a good option. !!! All the best..btw !!!

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Thanks. The post was from over a year ago though, for an update see my "is it really worth it" thread

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