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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest thailove2

Need advice, we're both married but in love with each other

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First, I want to say that I really appreciate this message board as I have no one to talk to about this situation and it's getting hard to keep quiet about it.

Ok, I have a 2nd cousin that was my best friend and love of my life over 30 years ago.  At that time we considered running away to get married.  We later decided that it would be best if we parted because we weren't willing to deal with the consequences of family knowing.

Well, we both went our separate ways and haven't heard from each other in years.  Since then I moved across country over 20 years ago, have gotten married, have children and so on. Around 8 years ago, we did see each other for a brief moment at a family gathering and even then my heart stopped when I saw him.

Well around 5 months ago, I found out that he and his family had actually moved pretty close to where I am so of course we were in contact.  We started out with a phone conversation that immediately took us back to our feelings that were left when we were younger.  And then we saw each other and the intensity between us has been growing ever since.  We talk every day, we see each other whenever we can and we've confessed our love to each other.  Our attraction to each other is amazing, our likes, dislikes, mental capacity, conversation and everything else you could think of is a match made in heaven.  We want to be together eventually, but it just seems that the timing is wrong since there are kids involved.  However, we can't seem to stay away from each other and I feel like we are going to end up getting "caught" at some point.  That is not how I want it to go down.  In my mind I think we should leave our currents so that we're being fair to our spouses and also so that we're never "caught" so to speak.  I just feel that being caught is a terrible way to leeway into another relationship, and it would be very painful for everyone which neither of us wants.  Btw, I have been having marriage issues for a few years now and have been contemplating leaving for a while now.

So I've voiced how I feel, but his perspective is a little different.  He too is unhappy in in his marriage.  But he feels that we should keep things going but carefully until the kids are older.  He needs his wife to help him with his kids and his job situation.  If she's gone, it would tear away his support system.  Which I understand to some degree because he's raising girls that don't belong to her.  I wish that I could step in and be the support he would need but I can't because I don't believe the girls or my kids would understand our relationship.

We've tried to stop, but we both go into a depression and end up back together.  It seems that we're inseparable.  We both feel like we should be together and that make each other better and stronger, an awesome team actually.  But we don't know how and when to get from Point A to Point B.  And then even the thought of telling the family, not sure if that's possible, although we feel that they may have had their suspicions some time ago when we were younger.

The other part to this is, because I?ve been here for so long, we would probably have to move away to be together as everyone I know here just wouldn?t understand.  So, I wish that he would just call one day and say "that's it let's do this? and we leave our spouses,  take the kids and move away.  (which we can, with no financial issues) Maybe not together initially to protect the kids, but maybe close enough to be together freely. I do, however,  imagine that we would have to tell the kids eventually.. Am I dreaming or being unrealistic, please....I need your advice.....

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you don't want my advice. really, you don't. but you asked for it, so here it is.

if you two can't keep your hands off each other, then you need to both understand that you are HURTING your spouses and your children. don't think 'what they don't know won't hurt them' because in the long run, the secret will come out and even more damage will be done.

so here is my advice. tell your respective spouses the truth. if they want to divorce each of you (and they should, because they don't deserve the crap you are both putting them through, and you and your cousin don't deserve to have a spouse who will love you in spite of it), then give them what they want. INCLUDING THE KIDS. you two really don't deserve the children because frankly, you don't either one have a clue as to how to put THEIR needs before your own selfish desires.

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Wow, lady C, thank you for your advice.  While I do agree with telling our spouses, I don't agree with the children.  Unfortunately, you don't have any idea of the entire picture.  I am currently in a relationship that I should have left years ago but haven't had the guts to.  And, neither of our spouses are capable of taking care of the children for reasons I won't go into. We are putting their needs first which is why if we did leave our spouses, we vowed to protect them through the process.  Also, for my cousin and I, it is not purely sexual and my apologies if I implied that, it's much much deeper than that.

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Hi I know I'm new and kinda young here to be saying anything but if both of you are having marriage problems in the first place. Then I wouldn't blame you for wanting to leave your spouses. Especially if you two make each other happy and as for the kids if you go on in this marriage unhappy your unhappiness will only effect your children for the worst.

I should know because I grew up hating my father because I could see how unhappy he made my mum. The only reason she stayed with him till now was because we were only kids and mum grew up with her parents being divorced and she didn't want that for us. But now I know why he made my mum so unhappy and now I don't feel like he has the right for me to call him my father. I know harsh but it's the way I feel. I still talk to him only every now and then because well no matter how much I hate him he is still my father. I just wish my mum had got a divorce and had found someone else that loved her just as much as she loved him.

So if you are sure that this relationship with your cousin will work out then I say go for it everyone deserves to be happy. Otherwise if you don't think it will work you might want to talk to your spouse and see if you two can come up with a compromise or something on whatever it is that is making you unhappy.

I not sure if this is helpful at all but I still wish you the best of luck on whatever you choose to do.

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Unfortunately, you don't have any idea of the entire picture.  I am currently in a relationship that I should have left years ago but haven't had the guts to.  And, neither of our spouses are capable of taking care of the children for reasons I won't go into. We are putting their needs first which is why if we did leave our spouses, we vowed to protect them through the process.  Also, for my cousin and I, it is not purely sexual and my apologies if I implied that, it's much much deeper than that.

If we don't have any idea of the entire picture, you have only yourself to blame.  All the pertinent info should be given so we can give helpful advice.  If there's something we should know to be effective, you need to clue us in.

I wish that he would just call one day and say "that's it let's do this? and we leave our spouses,  take the kids and move away.

The truth is, you are NOT putting your children's needs first.  Taking your children away from their father is not in their best interest.  Nor is cheating on their father.  You are so caught up in the fantasy of this relationship that you cannot think rationally.  IF divorcing their father is what you need to do, then do that and make a life for you and your children that includes their father, but also allows your kids to see that you are an independent woman who can manage on your own - that you don't need to jump immediately into another relationship.  No matter how long your marriage has been on the rocks, you and your kids will both need some healing time.  My marriage was bad for 10 of 15  years and by the time we divorced, I was DONE with the man.  My kids were 11 and 13 and, as lonely as I was, I waited a while before I even thought about dating again, much less about jumping right into another serious relationship.  Did I want to date?  Hell YES!!  But I had children to think about and their world had just been turned upside down.

If you are coming here because you think that we will rubber stamp all cousin relationships, you are mistaken.  Listen, many of us understand the magnetic draw that comes from a cousin romance, but that in no way justifies behaving recklessly.  If you want to pursue a relationship with your cousin then you need to take care of your current marriages (which frankly, it doesn't sound like he's willing to do), give yourself and your children some time to heal and then proceed slowly with a new romance.  Cut all ties with your cousin until both of you have decided what to do; it will only complicate matters for you.

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Ok, I understand that I've only given partial details so please let me elaborate. I have been married over 10 years now of which I have had to support my spouse not due to anything that could not be helped but out of immaturity, no sense of responsibility, no stability.  My spouse has kids of his own that he doesn't support and hides behind me for everything.  My family seems to think that he's holding me back because I've followed him and moved place to place, started up multiple businesses for him, gone bankrupt etc.  I've been told many times that I need to leave the situatiin because I am being taken advantage of but I always get pulled back in with false promises.  I have been so afraid of being alone and what his family would think that it has been difficult to leave.  I tend to suppress a lot and am now dealing with these surpressed issues through depression.  I even have to take meds now. So my family and friends are seeing this and basically begging me to make a change.  They've  never seen me in this state before and are really worried.

So while I agree that now is not the time to get involved in another relationship, my cousin has given me the strength and encouragement t to do what's best for me and the kids.  Not necessarily involving him, but for my own sanity and happiness.  But  his being there for me has drawn us even closer. However,  again, I do agree that now is not the time but I am afraid of losing him again.

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are you more afraid of losing him than you are of causing your children permanent emotional damage? because it certainly sounds like it. if you want to do what is right for your children, then woman up and face your fear. alone.

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Thank you Lady C, I do know what needs to be done, I just have to do it .....alone...then maybe as time passes our stars will realign...

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