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Leathat

So... She kissed me.

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You know, it's kind of funny. One of the things in life that truly makes me happy is also one of the things that constantly wracks my brain and stresses me out.

Plenty of people, be it here or any where else are completely unable to divulge their feelings to someone. I'm not, yet I still feel devoid sometimes.

I'm not sure why or what it is.

This person I'd die for but even if I ever had the chance, could never live for.

A relationship, apart from anything in my life that I've ever experienced and has made me question all others in the past. An almost, secret yet mostly platonic romance.

We cuddle, hold hands, confess undying love by night but by day things are rather solemn and quiet. I know it's not the alcohol talking. It helps me, as I'm sure her; get over the stigmas associated.

It's been like this for two and a half years now. The other night she said "fuck it" and kissed me... After she said she loves me like a brother.

She has a boyfriend, she's right into him. Yet their relationship seems more sexual than anything. He gets jealous when she's so tender around me.

I thought I almost had it figured out up until the other night. It wasn't even that she kissed me really. It was what she said before she did it. Acknowledging a lack of regard for some border or line about to be crossed.

I'm not even her type, but I guess that doesn't really matter when you're in love with someone.

I didn't even have time to kiss her back, it was so fast.

So now I wonder. I've known for a long time I was in love with her. I wonder if she's in love with me.

I don't know. It uh... Makes me kind of sad sometimes. Nobody knows what she's like to me. So sweet... and the things she says. I can't even talk to her about it unless we're drinking.

I'm not sure why I feel upset about it sometimes though. I really couldn't ask for it to be anything more than it is. Maybe it's because I have to keep it a secret.

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I can't help but wonder maybe if I had my life more together things would be different. I'm a failure though. Beyond what it is now, I'd be a liability...

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I can't help but wonder maybe if I had my life more together things would be different. I'm a failure though. Beyond what it is now, I'd be a liability...

Your not a failure at all, don't bring yourself down about it  :smiley:  If she is in love with you, maybe she will tell you in her own time. Her bf being jealous is his tough s**t if she's cuddly etc... with you lol 

What did the kiss you had seem like to you, was it passionate?

nessa76

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It was fast, really fast. I tired to kiss back, but I couldn't. I was actually a bit shocked. I froze up for a few seconds,

But, as I said it was what she said before she did it.

Sometimes I just catch myself and I think I'm crazy, she's not just some girl "friend" or someone. This is your cousin. and things are quiet and were distant and then  it's like she snaps me back to some other place and I'm not crazy.

Between those nights of uninhibited drinking though, it's hazy.

Told her how much I love her a million times.  I wonder if she knows the context. I wonder if she would be flattered or angry if she saw what I've written here?

I didn't even know the context. I'm in love with someone for the first time in my life that hasn't involved a sexual relationship. I've had to completely re think what love even is.

It seems so blatantly obvious how she feels sometimes and then other times it's the opposite and at other times clouded by my own judgments.

I think maybe I'm looking to see if anyone has had the same internal conflicts as I do. Probably half of the issue comes from stigma. Strangely enough I talked to one of my other cousins about this a bit actually and she didn't seem to see why I was so confuses/ stressed over this. 

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It was fast, really fast. I tired to kiss back, but I couldn't. I was actually a bit shocked. I froze up for a few seconds,

But, as I said it was what she said before she did it.

Sometimes I just catch myself and I think I'm crazy, she's not just some girl "friend" or someone. This is your cousin. and things are quiet and were distant and then  it's like she snaps me back to some other place and I'm not crazy.

Between those nights of uninhibited drinking though, it's hazy.

Told her how much I love her a million times.  I wonder if she knows the context. I wonder if she would be flattered or angry if she saw what I've written here?

I didn't even know the context. I'm in love with someone for the first time in my life that hasn't involved a sexual relationship. I've had to completely re think what love even is.

It seems so blatantly obvious how she feels sometimes and then other times it's the opposite and at other times clouded by my own judgments.

I think maybe I'm looking to see if anyone has had the same internal conflicts as I do. Probably half of the issue comes from stigma. Strangely enough I talked to one of my other cousins about this a bit actually and she didn't seem to see why I was so confuses/ stressed over this.

Hopefully someone who has had similar experiences to you can answer your question  :smiley:  Hopefully you get to know the answer soon from your cousin, i know what you mean by confusing though, but in a different kind of way. I was confused and not totally understanding it of why/how i could be attracted to my cousin. This site has helped a lot.

Good luck anyways

nessa76

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I envy you :) She at least kissed you. I have posted a topic here, but it was too long to read I think, so nobody responded :)

http://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php?topic=6952.0

If you don't want to read whole story, just search for :

"So yesterday we watched a movie at my place with her and her boyfriend, we are all close,"

So how did she kiss you? Lips?

I think I have exactly same thing happening with me, exact description is too:

"Between those nights of uninhibited drinking though, it's hazy."

Unfortunately I cannot help you, cause I need exactly the same answer that you are looking for.

When you say:

"confess undying love", you talk about love to each other??? 

My story is too long, cause I always need to know details, I would like to read more about your relations exactly, I'd like to compare something.

You know girls are different creatures, unfortunately. They see things not like we do :( The popular friendzone thing shows that - they CAN have such close(cuddling) relations with guys without thinking of them like men, I cannot realize that, and why it is like that, but that's life. I am afraid that I am kind of cousinzoned forever :)

The most funny thing from my story is that she kinda doesn't see that like something big, this cuddling, holding hands and etc, it's like normal to her or what, I don't get it.

I talked with my female friends about the limits of closeness in friendship and almost all of them said that such behavior is not purely friendship, they wouldn't allow even best friend to cuddle with them, but people are different. I am afraid of asking her this, I don't know how will she react when i will ask "Why are you letting me to do all of this?" and I afraid she would say like : "WHAT????? SO WHAT??? ARE YOU CRAZY???" I think she doesn't feel it like sexual at all, girls somehow differentiate it and can have all of this without having sex or love on their mind.

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I sooo feel for you, I'm having a similar situation and it's frustrating the heck outta me.  Again, that whole "hazy" situation is the hardest part.  If I knew how my cousin REALLY felt, it would make my life decisions much easier.  But I get that whole on/off vibe like you're getting... and I admit I've been guilty of doing the same to him until recently.  Now I'm the one all freaked out and realizing that I'm in love with him and he's getting weird.  Ugh!!  I wish you the best, I hope she realizes how deeply you care for her and decides that stigma isn't as important as finding your soulmate.  Who knows... maybe the familial relationship is how you guys were meant to connect in this big world.  At least that's how I like to think of it. 

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That's the thing right. A lot of people do consider physical things like cuddling etc to be with a sexual relationship. I don't think she does, entirely. She cuddles other people sometimes sort of.

She kissed me right on the lips though. I want to ask about that. Last night she mentioned something "if we dated" but she was too  :shocked: ed up to say all of it lol.

As for confessing undying love, yeah... About all we do when we drink is sit there telling each other how much we love each other for 4 hours lol.

Ive thought about a few things lately. Not only do I need to get this off my chest for my sake, I think I should for hers as well. Like yah what if I wait until I'm old or dying and tell her and she says she feels the same. That would be a mistake. And if she loves me as much as she says she does, I don't think it would destroy our relationship if she didn't feel the same

I've actually got a pretty clear picture of how it would all go down. I think she'd either tell me that she already knows that's how I feel or unfortunately that she might freak out.

She's changed what I thought it meant to be in love and what love even is. I think I also have to do this because I have to be sure I know. I don't think she would freak out if she love me as much as she says she does.

 

(bringing it down to PG rating Leathat)

Hawk

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From reading this I feel like by saying that she loves you like a brother before saying **** it and kissing you she may feel conflicted or confused?

Her being distant from you during the day is just her brain working in overload thinking what would people think? can you actually make it work? that kind of thing. You need to remember girls are over thinking things like 95% of the time and most of it is unnecessary but its how we figure things out. And with such a complex situation like the one we are all in it may take her a little longer to get her head around her feelings. But like you said after some drinking her true feelings and emotions come out. So give her some time, keep letting her know how you truly feel even if its just when your drunk. She will appreciate those nights and it will help her figure it out. Hope this helps a little :)

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I had an extremely similar situation occur about 12 years ago while on a vacation with my first cousin.  She kissed me... twice... we ended up at the end of the vacation going our separate ways, she got married to her boyfriend, I had two really long relationships.

  Then about six months ago,I finally got the nerve to have a real conversation with her about my feelings...  She is now divorced, and we are planning on getting married very soon. 

  The biggest regret that both of us have is that we lost twelve years of happiness together.

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Congrats loved7980! I hope you'll make up for that time in the next 12 years and after!

I do read a lot of stories here of people going about their lives and have a lot of regrets about not having 'given in' to their feelings sooner or ever.

And it does make me wonder. Are cousin relationships impossible or just very hard to get over? I mean, you kept on thinking about your cousin for more then a decade and she had kissed you twice.

I am doing my best to let my story go, but the thought of it never truly going away scares the hell out of me. I would love to be able to get on with my life and be truly happy and not linger on my cousin for the rest of my life.

I'm happy that you made it work and I wish all the best for the two of you!

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