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Guest daughterofeve

is it really worth it?

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So this might seem like an odd question  :rolleyes:, but I feel like this whole dating a cousin thing comes with a lot more drama than a relationship between two strangers, so I cannot help but wonder, is it really worth pursuing a relationship with a cousin knowing it will cause so much drama? On the other hand, he/she is this amazing person you have known all your life, who understands you better than anyone (so well, you sometimes think they can read your mind) and with whom you feel so safe and comfortable. Plus, they already know your family is crazy  :laughter:

So, for those you are in a relationship with a cousin, when and how did you decide it was worth taking the leap and being with them against all odds?

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daughterofeve,

You ask a question that in the end only you can answer. You are here at this site, know the premise, so you know what the standard answer will be. Being happily married to someone other than my cousin, I can tell you what MY answer to the question is. No. Back in the day, had me and my cousin decided to pursue it, the drama would not have been more than we could handle, or anywhere near what she expected it might have been. Had we been willing, would I have? Sure. Would we have had our ups and downs like everybody else? Probably, it seems to go with the territory. We do however have that, "look in each others eyes, read each others minds, finish each others sentences" thing  between us that seems so common. That would have helped probably, but in certain circumstances could have been an issue maybe, I don't know. And yeah, we do certainly understand how crazy our family is!!! :laughter:

I see from your other posts that you are wisely waiting to see how his relationship goes. That is drama you don't need, and, by doing as you are, can easily be avoided. If she is still in love with her ex, he needs to let her go, so she can put some sort of closure to that without him being the fall guy in the end. But, as you have noted, that is for him to decide and you need not push him. He knows it, whether he wants to admit it or not. 

Being in Europe, there is no legal reason you two cannot be together. He should know, that if he does want to marry you, you can get married. Since there is little chance of recent cousin couples in your family tree, he needs to know there is no genetic reason that you two CAN'T have kids.

Don't worry about being in denial, or feeling like a nutcase, we're all pretty much nutcases to one degree or another!  :wacko: You have noticed I see, that these things can get very intense, very rapidly. That is not so out of the ordinary either. It sounds like you may have to hit the brakes a little here and see how this relationship of his works it's way out. Should he keep questioning the viability of a relationship with you, send him the link to here and have him take a look around, and see if it eases his mind on that part of the drama at least. It will then be up to the two of you to set down and decide if it is really worth it.

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you're definitely right about that. having a relationship w/ a cousin a much better than a stranger. yet, its really full of drama. well, for me & my cousin(fiance), we just really felt the real love between us which is really different than before, and furthermore we already have a baby so its really worth taking the leap.

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My wife (1st cousin) just passed away I am tring to figure out if a normal marriage is worth it. YES a cousin marriage is way worth it we where married for 21 years

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Jessie,

Good to see you popping in when you are able. It is inspiring that with (and, may I say, because of) this bitter cross you bear, you are able to bring such levity to those who may have their doubts.

May I be so bold as to speak for many others here, and say our thoughts are still with you as you go forward....

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Thank you so much everyone for the kind answers, especially you, Hawk, what you said really put things into perspective. I think that the best idea right now is not to rush into anything and just wait and see how it develops. The last thing I want is to put everything I have out there and not get anything in return, or to force him to make a decision now and scare him away :wacko:.

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Plenty of people, in fact the majority of them, are in successful relationships with people that aren't their relatives. If you find that person (your cousin, relative, goat  :laughter:, etc) to be The One, then you have to know of course it's worth it.

It was worth it for me that moment in his car in the pouring rain when I realized he was the only person on the planet that showed me any love at all. He is my One.

As Hawk said, though, only you can answer that question for yourself. Everyone's situation is unique to them, as well as every person (is unique to another).

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Both a normal and a cousin marriage is worth it though the cousin marriage is much more passionate as well as difficult to go through than a normal one.  It has however, taught me not to take the limited time I have with my loved ones for granted.

So in my view, you can't use a cousin marriage as a benchmark as the natural dynamic is just too different.  Instead it did teach me what love is and shoud be and how the sacrifices I made for it are totally worthwhile.  And for me and I think VERY MANY people on here, a cousin relationship is extremely ideal.  Ideal love, conversation, ideal comfort, ideal bedroom habits *wink*, and well everything is pretty much perfect except we live in a society that feels it is fine to tar and feather our union.  Acceptible?  Of course not, but not totally unexpected as we are still a very young nation.

Every marriage, every relationship is going to be different and one cannot wish for the same thing in the new relationship.

Anyways, I think one can find a lot of friendships from those who understand or are in simular situations such as widowhood, divorce, abuse, etc. After 9-11 a lot of romance was reborn between widowers and widows in New York, that was never planned, etc.  There's always a chance for something to happen with deeper understanding and I don't think we should ever keep ourselves from the possibility of love after our cousin love fails/ends as we are not trying to write an idealized romance novel here rather than simply live life.

So for me, if my cousin and I are no longer in a relationship I would probably only seek one if it is mutually beneficial and would prefer not to try to get somone just like my cousin again (as it is futile and sad to live life that way).

On that note, I would NEVER trade ease and comfort for passion and true love/committment which is what I have with my cousin.  You don't understand what love is until you stop using money as something you "need" and start usting it as a means to truly live life.  And that is what a cousin relationship taught me.  That money is just a means to an ends to see my cousin rather than something to collect and buy fancy jewelry, fashions, etc, with.

In short it is worth it.  I don't regret the many heavy sacrifices I have made to be with my cousin and I learned more in the past 15 years about myself than I could in a lifetime had I went through a normal picket fence marriage life.  A lot of my what ifs are gone and I quite happy with my love life and what I had a chance to learn.

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I wish my wife could answer this question for you because I'm not so sure that I can.  I'm pretty sure her answer would be that it's very much worth the extra "drama", but let me put that into perspective.

I will never advocate that any person marry his or her cousin just for the sake of cousin marriage.  That's about as dumb as saying you should marry any other person for some arbitrary reason.  Rather, I would say that you should marry the person to whom you can make a lifelong commitment to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in riches and poverty, whether that happens to be your first cousin or some person from another continent, race, or whatever. 

Marriage is a very tough and demanding endeavor.  Your commitment to each other has to outweigh anything anyone else on this earth says or does.  It means that whether Mom and Dad approve today or not is as relevant (or irrelevant) as whether they change their mind 10 years later.  I've seen many well-meaning people try to butt into a marriage and tell the wife or husband that their spouse is "not right" for them and that they should get a divorce.  Excepting abuse, adultery, addiction, or abandonment, I say, "butt out!", and even in those cases, a person who sees hope in the face of hopelessness has the right and obligation to make an independent decision so long as the safety of the "harmed" spouse and any children are not endangered.

So, the greater question is which is more important to you and the conduct of your life:  your commitment to marriage or your lifelong obedience to the will of others?

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CM: On the front of addiction:

My father is still with my mother after 20 years (yes I'm 24... I guess I should say they've been together for 24 years, married for 20) and she has been in recovery now... it was a year in summer. She's an alcoholic and was very bad and violent, antagonistic for most of my childhood and most of their marriage. So I really commend my father for staying with her (even though he was smoking pot the whole time... he was never really violent, though he did hit her in the beginning of their relationship, and then changed his ways. And once when I was 16 he held me by my throat and picked me up off the ground while I was demanding to leave the house because my mom was being extra insane that that morning...she got  pulled over for a DUI blowing a .30 with me and my little brother in the car the next day). They have an all right marriage now. My dad was really mean the whole time though, most of the time. Other times though he was very funny and laid back. I guess I was mean, too. You'd be mean too if you lived with an antagonistic drunk.) They've had their discrepancies - but doesn't any marriage? My mom has wanted to leave a couple times, but they always seem to make up. They'll be together forever. She had to sell her engagement ring during this terrible recession we're having, while my dad was laid off (he's a union worker, she's unemployed, going to school online and on probation from the DUI), and now for her birthday he's getting nice hours so he's gonna buy her a new one. They'll be together forever  :roll eyes:

They're a lot more boring now that they're both sober, though. My little bro is missing out on a lotttt of entertainment. He's only 9 LOL.

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it's interesting how you phrased your question... is it worth it knowing the drama it will cause....

how exactly do you know it WILL cause so much drama?

we ALL assume that it will cause drama. but it often doesn't. mark and i were prepared to stand up to whatever dramatic crap was thrown at us, and we expected a lot of it. instead, our family was very supportive. even our ex spouses were supportive. there was no drama.

granted, most families will have some drama from someone or other, but the expectation of it is often way more exaggerated than the reality turns out to be.

so is it worth it? only you can decide. but i think it's unfair for you to make that decision until you find out IF it's going to cause all the drama you're assuming it will cause.

for me, it was worth going forward. it was worth discovering that i was not giving my family (and his) enough credit. mark and i have now been married 13 years, and i wouldn't change a thing.

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"?s it really worth it?"

as mentioned, it is ultimately you who must decide.

for me, it was very much worth all of the difficulties we had to endure, while we were together. now that she left, i am not so sure. again, this is just me and what i am going through right now; it may get better and i may return to the notion it was indeed all worth it.

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I just realized I hadn't actually replied to this thread anymore. Nothing new has happened, except that I'm decided to fight for it and see where it goes. I'm visiting him in April, and I'm really hoping we can talk about it then. I'm just assuming that us being together will cause a lot of drama in our family, because of how my family thinks. They are really conservative Christians and I'm assuming they will think I'm committing a horrible sin, but you never know, as Lady C said, maybe they'll be more supportive than we think. And also, I don't want to let my family or anyone else for that matter dictate how I live my life and who I should be with.

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daughter, I'M a conservative christian. conservative christians tend to stick closer to what the bible says instead of reading into it what feels good. conservative christians worry more about what God says and less about what society says.  so if you're parents are truly conservative christians, this may be a really good thing for you.

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Yeah maybe there isn't so much drama. Let the drama queens get their feel. The big thing is supporting your family. Who cares what the nasayers say?

Did they ask you about their mates?

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I think love, true love, is ALWAYS worth it. Why shouldn't you and the one you love be together, and happy? It's your life, you only gt one. live it the way that makes YOU happy.

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At least for me, it wasn't worth it, if my cousin and I had come out and confessed, the flak from our families would have been unbearable and never ending, I know it.

For a long time we had a compromise, she moved in with me "to save money on rent" so we told people, this way we got to live together as a couple under a totally believable scenario to our family and friends.  We even had a separate bedroom all made up for her and everything to make the story believable when we had visitors.  We always knew that we couldn't be together forever, so there was a standing rule that it was always ok to see other people, which was always a bit uncomfortable when it did happen.

In a sense I kind of liked our situation, having this huge secret we were keeping from everyone added an extra level of excitement to our relationship.  The funny thing is, eventually a lot of the neighbors in our building found out the truth about us, and everyone was totally cool with it, total opposite mentality from the small town we grew up in.

But eventually we realized we had to go our separate ways, we both really wanted to start a family so we couldn't stay living like that forever...was a very sad day when she finally moved out.

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So you did not even try to stand up to your family? How do you know it would have been an unbearable drama? I also imagine horror scenarios of how my family would react to it, and sometimes it makes me hate myself, but more often than not I think that if we were together we could go through anything. Maybe I'm just crazy, but we gotta be a little crazy sometimes, right?  :unsure: 18 days and I'll see him again!!!  :dance1:

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Hi Daughterofeve,

I can relate to what you are feeling :( As for my case, I also don't know if our relationship right now is worth keeping or I just need to move on with my life eventhough it'll be soooo painful for both of us. Having super close family ties makes matters complicated plus the fact that my cousin is also married. We are in the point of having guilty feelings but we can't deny our love for each other is too deep and strong. I can see it in his eyes.. In his touch.. Haaaayyyyy :( :( :(

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3 days 'till I see him again :girl_in_love: ! He told me he loves me in an sms today  :wub: , so this is definitely going to be an interesting visit :grin: . I'll let you know how it went when I come back.

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I came back from my visit today and I?m still taking it all in. All in all, the visit was great, I loved being there with my family, with him, England is a beautiful place, though I might be very biased right now. Thing is, I am very confused about my cousin. Things happened, I don?t want to go into details :blush2:, but he definitely likes me more than a cousin, he admitted he always had a thing for me, but that I never reciprocated. I did now, but he can?t get over the fact that we?re cousins, and what everyone would say.  :(

I think that earlier this year when he said that he loved me and that we should get married, he didn?t actually mean it, or maybe he did but changed his mind? I?m so confused?  :cray: He also has this weird idea that he is supposed to be with one of his ex-girlfriends, but she is getting married to someone else in the summer and clearly told him she doesn?t want to hear from him. He said that if it wasn?t for her, we would probably be together? But he can?t be with her either. I don?t get it! He said he didn't actually think it through.

And if you were wondering, yes, he is still seeing that other girl, though probably, hopefully, not for long. He doesn?t even like her anymore, nobody but his Mom likes her actually, and they had a big fight when I was there, which might have been a tad bit also my fault  :evil:. Even if we?ll never be together, I still think he deserves better. He's just too lazy right now to break up with her and hopes she will do it first, so he does not have to.

I don?t know what to do. I feel like he?s playing me, but at the same time I can?t let him go. I feel like the smart thing to do is to just move on, but I don?t know how to do that. I just can?t stop thinking about him, and when we?re together we can barely keep our hands off each other. Maybe for him it?s just lust, while I?m stupidly and hopelessly in love with him  :cray:

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I would say that being with your soul mate, that one person that you believe God created especially for you, is definately worth anything you have to go through! Wether that person is your cousin or not..... I was not brave enough or mature enough at the age of 18 to stand up to the world for my happiness, but after my marriage of 12 years to a verbally abusive alcoholic ended I decided that it was me and my cousin against the world. I can tell you that its a relationship that is unlike anything I had ever experienced and its the sweetest, truest love I've ever known, so for me it was worth all the "drama" and even my father disowning me. We've been married now for 9 months and counting till eternity! 

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Thank you, Againstallodds! I'm glad that it worked out so well for you. The problem is I know now that I want to be with him and it would be worth fighting for it, but he does not and I don't know if he ever will. I guess all I can do is wait and hope that he'll change his mind.

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