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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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purple flare

Should I wait or end it now?

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Me and my cousin are first cousins. We grew up together. If you would put it in words we knew each other since birth. He is the son of my father's brother. We have gone far back. From when we were still kids. I would consider him the closest cousin that I had. Closest, meaning I knew him very well.. We have so much fun together, We were the mastermind of silly jokes played on our family, etc. We grew fairly happy, without any problems or worries on each other's feelings.

Time passed and normal life proceeded, until when we were in high school. The topic we spoke about was about boyfriends and girlfriends. We were talking about his crushes and his relationships, then out of the blue, He asked me if somebody was courting me or if somebody liked me. At that time,I considered myself ugly and I wasn't really confident with myself. Also, I thought that I confirmed this fact since, nobody was courting me and nobody really expressed that they liked me. So, I told him that No, Nobody likes me.. I'm ugly. And I laughed. He then told me, You know what if we weren't cousins I would court you... And that's when it'd hit me. The feeling of awkwardness... I had mixed emotions that time. I was feeling weird that my cousin told me that and also flattered coz' its the first time somebody really told me that they liked me. However, To cut the awkwardness I told him that he was crazy and that he's really foolish in saying those words to me. So I brushed of the topic and promised myself to not ever talk about that thing again. I felt weird, and so without me noticing I kind of started to keep my distance from him. I told myself that the idea of having a relationship with my cousin is really off the charts and is unacceptable.

Time passed by, He had many different relationships from what I have heard of from my other relatives. I wasn't really affected. I was happy for him. And in 2003, my father passed away, I was only 17 back then. That was again the only time we really talked to each other. I missed him dearly, we talked, i cried, He was there, He never left my side. He didn't open up about his liking for me again. But I felt his presence, and it comforted me. After that, I had my debut the same year. He was one of my 18 roses. He had a girlfriend that time. They were already in their 2nd year as couple. I wasn't jealous. Actually I thought that they were a nice couple. I liked the girl. She too was nice to him, and I liked that. He seemed happy. But after my 18th birthday, we drifted apart. We haven't really talked or seen each other since.

I was in the university busy with finishing my nursing degree, I wasn't really focused on getting into a relationship. Time passed and I graduated from the university and I finally got my degree and license.

That's the time that I had my first relationship. And it was with a girl. Yes, she was a lesbian. I didn't know that time why I did it, but I did. It might be because of the history I had with my family. All of my uncles, except my dad, had 2 or more families and they were really tagged as womanizers... So, maybe I was traumatized with the idea that guys are really born polygamous, and I didn't really liked to deal with that stress.

However, having been in a relationship with a girl, at first we were really happy, and it became shaky when I had to leave for Dubai, because my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and she needs to be operated on and medicated with chemotherapy. So, i went to Dubai, however our grounds became shaky because of the long distance, She was jealous all the time and she kept on picking fights with me. And so, I cannot handle stress and I broke up with her. I had another relationship with a girl in Dubai, however it didn't last long, we also broke up because she left me for another girl. I was devastated. And I was advised by my workmate to do whatever it takes to let the pain go away, she told me that If I had to get back with my first gf to forget my ex-gf then, I should do it. I took her advice and I did. I got back with my gf.,

I went home to the Philippines, However, when I came back, things changed. She wasn't the same as before, but I became patient and understood why she was acting that way, I thought that I had to win her back since I left her when I was in Dubai. So, I really pushed hard and gave her my all,.. I loved her dearly, but in came to the point where all my decisions have been controlled by her, I cannot see my other friends because she'd get jealous,  cannot go out with my other relatives because she's jealous, I cannot have new friends because she'd get jealous, She even controlled my salary and money. Every pay day I'd give her my salary and she would be the one deciding on what we would buy and with other allocations, We both went to Saudi, we worked as nurses there, and so we were together. Confined in a very discreet society, I had my life revolve around her. No questions, I gave her my all, because I loved her.  I was a puppet and I didn't even notice it.

Then, an incident happened, she was forced to work as a nanny by the general manager of the center, because they couldn't get a domestic helper from the Philippines, Of course I fought for her, I made a signature campaign and I spread it out all over the center, The letter was stating that they didn't have any right to coerce someone to do something that they didn't want and that it was out of our job description to be nannies and that we are concerned about her security since she would have to stay in the home of the employer. Cut the story short, admin found out that I was the master mind, next day they terminated me and sent me back to the Philippines. That was December 2011. I had no regrets. I did it because I loved her.

She wasn't terminated, and she wasn't coerced to become a nanny, Also, the general manager was replaced. I won the battle at that point. And I did it because I loved her. She finished her contract and went home in April 2012. We were together again. We built our own business, a pharmaceutical distributorship. However, it failed and we got bankrupt. One of the biggest consumers at that time didn't pay the dues and we weren't able to cope. So, we decided to  back to Saudi Arabia, we applied and and we were taken in. However, the waiting time for the visa took a long time, And, my gf at that time became really stressed. She changed. She was already abusing me verbally and physically. But I stayed in spite of it all, because I loved her. But, then things became worse and I wasn't happy anymore. i cried most nights and she wouldn't care.

I was in a good relationship gone bad... But I stayed, a lot of people had advised me to stop this relationship, but I was hard headed i stayed. Then, came NOvember 2013, She needed to go to her province because she would be inheriting money and land from her grandfather who died. So she left, And I was in my hometown.

That's the only time I felt free, I was free to go anywhere I wanted. Because nobody was stopping me. That's when I saw my cousin's older brother (his also my cousin but you guys get my point right?), and I asked for his younger brother's number. He said that he will ask it from his brother when he gets home. He doesn't know his brother's number because he said that they see each other everyday and they didn't need it.

So I waited, but it he never gave it. Up until after 2 weeks, I told him, Doesn't Jay want to give his number tell him that he's really "a diva" to do so.., My older cousin replied and he said that he forgot about it. so he immediately asked for his brother's number. My cousin, Jay called me immediately. he then asked me where am I and what was I doing back in the Philippines. He didn't know I was back, He seldom opens his facebook and we really didn't talk since my 18th  birthday.  He really missed me and we met up the day after. He was really smiling happily when I saw him. I was excited because I missed him so much too. And so we talked, laughed and talked and laughed a lot even more..

That's the time I told him about the status of my relationship. He was dismayed. He said that I was really stupid to stay in that relationship, not because its a girl-girl relationship, but because I'm not happy anymore and I became somebody else's puppet. I don't have freedom and I'm also being abused. He was angry. I was silent. Coz' I knew he was right. That night, we went out, we had dinner. I had to go home early because my ex-gf wanted me to be home early,. But, my cousin asked me to stay for a little while more because he really missed me he said, and this was the first time after 10 years that we were able to talk and really catch up with each other. So I gave in to his request. I drank beer with him, just a few, 2 bottles.But since, I wasn't drinking already for a long time since my ex-gf forbid it, I was tipsy immediately. BUt I didn't care. coz' I was with him I knew I was safe. We laughed and talked and laughed and had fun. He brought me home.

The next day I posted our pictures in facebook and my ex-gf saw it, she was furious and picked a fight with me. The issue was that I drank beer and that I went home later than what we have talked to., She was really angry, and started to talk to me in a bad way again. I told this to my cousin, he was angry, he said that I should stop being a martyr and be strong. I shouldn't text nor call her. To see what she would do., since, she's really angry at me. So, I tried as much as I could not to text and call her. Me and my cousin again went out, I was devastated, coz' partly I want to be free from my relationship because I wasn't happy anymore, but at the same time I was scared, because I loved her, and I was scared to be alone, We were together for 7 years. I have given her 7 years of my life. But I stood firm, Jay stood by my side and never left me..

He kept me strong. He was realy concerned and he cared. And I felt it., I was crushed, coz' here I am, giving myself to another person forgetting about my own happiness just for the sake of the relationship. But here's another person, whose more concerned about my life and my happiness.. He wanted me to be happy and free and I felt it. No matter who the person might be, as long as I'm happy he said. on one of our meetings, I got drunk, that's the time I had the courage to tell my ex-gf that I'm breaking up with her., And that i'm no longer happy and that i'm tired of our relationship. He remained by my side. He comforted me. He was there. And so, the tables had turned., ny ex-gf is now the one who's asking me to not leave her, and she said that she would change, etc.. But I stayed firm, I needed to love myself. Coz' I already forgot how.

And again he was there,. he'd held my hand and hugged me. He assured me that he'll never leave my side. I knew he loved me, that's when I remembered his phrase telling me when we were younger that if we weren't cousins that he would definitely court me.,  But I didn't really thought about it, I was just happy that he was there. Then one night, we went out, we drunk a few beers and I wasn't really fit to go home, So he offered that we would sleep in hotel. I accepted,. We went there, I immediately lay down and tried to sleep. Then he slept beside me, and I hugged him. A few moments later, I felt him kissing my neck, I was shocked but I was too drunk to react, I knew it was wrong. But he kissed me incessantly, and then I saw him, I saw his face, and I knew right there that I loved him already. And so, I kissed him back and we made love.

That was the first time I was with a man, and it was with Jay. He hugged me tight the whole night. He said I love you several times and he never let go of me., He was warm and I loved the feeling. I am in love once again, and its with a man, and he's my cousin. The next morning, we smiled at each other, we kissed again and we talked. He confessed to me that he loved me ever since we were little. He loved our other cousins but I was something special according to him. Whenever we would be having reunions he said that he would be so happy coz' he'd be able to see me and play with me, and that every time its time to go, he'd feel very sad because he won't be seeing me again for a long time. He said that even long before, he thought I was really beautiful, that  i was his dream girl. He said that he would dream about us being a couple from long before. He'd imagined me and him holding hands, kissing and being happy. He also told me that he missed me so much. For the longest time, we weren't together,.

He wanted to reach out but didn't know where to find or contact me since I was abroad. But he loved me all throughout these years. He never gave up on his love for me. I was surprised. But I didn't felt weird about it anymore, I knew that time, that i would do anything for him. That I loved him too... The next days passed by so fast.., I never felt this happy in my life

. However, there is something about him that is still in question right now. He's married. Yes he got married on April 2011, The same year that I went back home to the Philippines. He said that he wished that he never really got married and have waited for me instead. He's in a failing marriage even before I met him. She had known the girl she married for only two months, she got pregnant and so he married her. They're currently on their 3 rd year as husband and wife. He's no longer happy from year one. but he stayed for their son. He often wishes that I am the one he married and not that girl. If he knew that He and I would end up together today, he would've waited. But, that's life regrets are always at the end. He said that he would be having an annulment with his wife for us to be together.

He is asking me to wait for him.,, But I know, deep inside this is painful, coz' I don't know what to expect, and up to until when I would be waiting for him. But I promised him That I'd love him as long as I can... I love him, but I'm heartbroken coz' I have to share him with somebody else. What should I do?

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Hi amd welcome to the board.

Please edit your post to make paragraphs and easier to read.

you may get more comments that way. I couldn't get through

it, too long and hard to read.

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Believe it or not, I read your whole story....

And I have some comments.

1) Pilipino ka pala! :) Yehey! :P Welcome dito sa CC. hehe :)

Okay, having mentioned my introductions:

2) Your love life is soooo messed up, I don't even know where to start! :(

Pero here's what I want you to do. You should move on. You really should ate. Life is short! You have been in messed up and abusive relationships and the one that you are in at present is not different. He is a married man. May asawa na yung tao. Kahit pa anong mangyari, hindi na mababago yun. That's it. I cannot help you with that. Marriage is a very big deal. It is that serious. It changes the whole scenario. You know what I mean?

What I can say to you is this:

1. Get away from your lesbian abusive relationship.

2. Stay away from your married cousin. He is married already. I know this is hard but you have to. You have to move someplace else.

3. If the curse of your love life is being single and lonely for the rest of your life, probably ganun talaga ang tadhana mo ate. And it's not about you being ugly. I do not judge you. Everyone has beauty deep in them. It's not about outward looks because that will fade. What matters is who you are inside. :)

See you sa Filipino threads dito sa CC. :)

Pooch

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pooch.. i know right? hays..

i know.., noon feeling ko pangit ako.. pero ngayon.. actually marami nagkakagusto sakin.. pero its hard... mhal ko na xa... nasasaktan din ako na sinasaktan xa nung present wife niya ngayon, one time his wife even stabbed him.. ayun.. sabi nman niya maghihiwalay na sila.. pero hintayin ko raw xa... tanga ba ako? nakakainis nga eh... mhal ko xa pero hindi na pwede... takot kasi xa na mwala anak niya.. sinabi ko na din sa kanya na if he had to choose b/n his child and me piliin niya na lang yung anak niya.. pero sabi niya.. magsisisi xa later on pag ganun.. gagwa daw xa ng paraan para makuha kaming dalawa... napaka-convenient ba yun para sa kanya? but i know, he'll make me happy... kc nararamdaman koh, tska nakikita ko kung ganu xa kasaya pag kasama niya ako... he's asking for 1-2 years give or take.. actually papnta ako ng Dubai this year.. sabi ko sa kanya,.. hihintayin kita.. pero sana wag maxado matagal.. ayusin mo muna yung sitwasyon mo... pero nandito lang ako...hangga't kaya koh... :(

"translation".. sorry LadyC

i know, before I thought I was ugly, but it turns out I'm not. A lot of guys actually like me, but its hard.. I already love him, And It also pains me that his wife is abusing him too, One time his wife even stabbed him with a knife, and he told me that they're really on the process of separation.. but he asked me to wait for him. Am I Stupid? I'm irritated at myself.. I love him but I shouldn't.. He's scared that he might lose his child. I told him that if he had to choose between me or his child, I told him to choose his child... But he asked me that he'll regret the day that he'd let me go.. He said that he will make a way to have me and his son. Isn't that very convenient for him? But i know that he'll make me happy, because i can feel it, I can see how happy he is when he's with me, he's asking for 1-2 years give or take.. Actually i'm going to Dubai thsi year.. I told him that I will wait for him, however, I hope that it wouldn't be that long. I told him to fix his situation, but I'm here.. until I can...

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oh man, i wish i'd checked the board and read your edited version with line breaks before reading the private message without the breaks! anyway, i responded privately.

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hey pooh and purp.... no offense, but would you mind not mixing languages in threads where english speaking people are participating? i don't mind ya'll talking in your native tongue in threads specific to philippinos, but it's just not cool to do it in mixed company.

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"translation".. sorry LadyC

i know, before I thought I was ugly, but it turns out I'm not. A lot of guys actually like me, but its hard.. I already love him, And It also pains me that his wife is abusing him too, One time his wife even stabbed him with a knife, and he told me that they're really on the process of separation.. but he asked me to wait for him. Am I Stupid? I'm irritated at myself.. I love him but I shouldn't.. He's scared that he might lose his child. I told him that if he had to choose between me or his child, I told him to choose his child... But he asked me that he'll regret the day that he'd let me go.. He said that he will make a way to have me and his son. Isn't that very convenient for him? But i know that he'll make me happy, because i can feel it, I can see how happy he is when he's with me, he's asking for 1-2 years give or take.. Actually i'm going to Dubai thsi year.. I told him that I will wait for him, however, I hope that it wouldn't be that long. I told him to fix his situation, but I'm here.. until I can...

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hey pooh and purp.... no offense, but would you mind not mixing languages in threads where english speaking people are participating? i don't mind ya'll talking in your native tongue in threads specific to philippinos, but it's just not cool to do it in mixed company.

I understand.

Whenever I post something in tagalog, I make sure that they do not add substance to my post. I post the relevant stuff in English. The tagalog parts are colloquial phrases, greetings, and of minor importance. They can be equivalent in English such as "Hey how yah doin'?" or "What's up?".

I purposely insert some of these in tagalog because I know the culture, the mindset, the usual (general) situation of the relationship. And it just feels so good to express in my mother tongue. Nonetheless, I understand that it can be problematic since not everyone is a Filipino.... The next time this will happen, probably a redirection to the Filipino thread or a PM instead would be more appropriate.

My apologies.

Pooch

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i think we could probably manage with just a 'hi what's up' tagalong in another language, except that then the other person would be more apt to respond in their native tongue. so yeah, maybe a PM would be the best way to go. sorry pooch! i'm not trying to be difficult!

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i think we could probably manage with just a 'hi what's up' tagalong in another language, except that then the other person would be more apt to respond in their native tongue. so yeah, maybe a PM would be the best way to go. sorry pooch! i'm not trying to be difficult!

Got it.. No worries. ;)

Pooch

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for fuck sakes Romalee you always do this when someone posts a bit too long with out paragraphs. They put so much effort into writing it down the least you could do is read it without bitching about no paragraphs

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ATOM! that was uncalled for. YOU need to back down buddy. line breaks are a courtesy. it is NOT rude or bitchy to ask someone to put line breaks in for ease of readability, because it ENSURES that people will actually read it and respond. i even asked purple flare in a private message to do the same thing.

you're young, you're new here, and apparently don't understand the basics of netiquette. line breaks are more important than not 'shouting' an entire post in all caps. romalee didn't bitch and moan, she asked politely... you could take a lesson from her.

and by the way, yes, i know that our filters censor out your profanity, but the next time you go cussing at a member of our staff here, i'm going to put the mute button on you so that everything you say has to be approved by the staff first for a week or two.

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And I can guarantee I won't approve any of your posts if you are muted by LadyC.

I asked politely and I am not the only one to do this. So lighten up dude!

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Hi! I read all of it and I didnt mind the length i understand the need to just let everything out. :)

I'm not sure if you're still living with your girlfriend but the best thing to do st this point knowing that you no longer love her and that it isn't right to just let her step all over you is to move on and leave her.

I know it's been a long 7 years but ask yourself, would you rather spend another 7 years or even a lifetime in a meaningless relationship?

Focus on yourself for now. Especially until your cousins divorce is finalized. It's good that you explained to him that you love him but try not to be too available, (like hooking up WHILE he's in a divorce)

I see that you don't have the highest level of confidence Hun.... Please focus on yourself and building your confidence and self love. Take care of yourself and dont think your ugly tell yourself about your best features, accentuate them, do your hair, etc. Forgive yourself for going through this pain and tell yourself that you deserve better than an abusive relationship!! Hopefully this will open your eyes that females can be quite abusive and "womanizing" too!

Continue working hard but also think about you REALLY want. The relationship that you want and who this person you want to be with is from the inside out :) .

I hope everything will go well and hopefully I have helped! I will post again when any more advice comes to mind Hun.

Please keep us updated about how things are going because i really do care :)

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