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cherries1105

Please help my moms forcing me to break up with him!

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Hi everyone I'm new here. I'm 17 turning 18 in May and my cousin-boyfriend is 16 turning 17 in July. We've been told by my mom once before that we couldn't be together but we just started sneaking round and secretly texting each other. I felt an immense amount if guilt and yesterday she caught us spending time together(just hugging and talking ) in our apt building's basement.

I have had boyfriends before and theyre nothing like my cousin, he's so sweet he takes me out and we have deep talks and he's changed so much  :embarrassed: I don't want to let him go and he doesn't want to either. He told me that he only loves me and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else...I feel like we're soulmates :laugh:

So my mother mainly doesn't want us together because his parents aren't the greatest and she feels that he's going to be like his dad too (abusive) . He has never hit me and honestly the only fights that we've had we're with snowballs.

Coming from a Christian home I tried telling my mom there's nothing wrong with it as Mry and Joseph were proven to be cousins. But she just feels embarrassed about the situation since he is her sisters son.  :undecided:

She forced me to end our relationship through text and I've been so sad. She said that she's doing it for my best and that he is no good.

Please any advice and what to say to her? What to do? Thanks so much in advance !

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oh dear. you really won't want to hear the advice you'll get from most of us, but here goes...

there is plenty of time! WAIT! i know that you are on the threshold of becoming a woman, and he's not too far from becoming a man, but trust me... you are both still very young and have a lifetime ahead of you. a LONG lifetime. and at this point, you are both still dependant on your parents. you still live in their homes, and like it or not, you have to submit to their rules.

i know it seems hard, and i know it must feel like your mom just 'doesn't understand' or that she's overprotective, or that she's too controlling. but there will come a day when you are going to be a mother of a teenager too, and THAT is when you'll understand why moms (and dads) can be so unreasonable. because really, they aren't. your mom wants what is best for you. she knows that the person you are today, no matter how lovely and mature and responsible you are, is NOT the same person that you are going to be 10 years from now... even 5 years from now. in fact, believe it or not, you're going to change radically just in the next year!

and so will he.

now, regarding the fear that he may become abusive like his dad. he may, he may not. how he treats you NOW is no indication of how he will treat you after you've been together for a long time. i don't mean sneaking around and dating for a couple of years, i mean together in a committed, permanent relationship. once the high of new love wears off and life becomes ordinary, mundane, and routine. that's the time that EVERY relationship is tested to the limits, because both parties start feeling taken for granted.

i'm not saying he'll be like his dad. i don't know anything about him, or his father. for instance, i don't know if drugs or alcohol or other vices play a part in his dad's behavior. what i do know is that people who are abused by their parents, or who witness abuse between their parents, are at a substantially higher risk for becoming abusive. if both of you don't recognize, acknowledge and accept that fact now, then you might as well be playing russian roulette.  the key is counseling. he absolutely needs to get long term counseling. not a month or two, but a year or two of regular sessions with a therapist to help him learn how to overcome his past and what he's experienced at the hands of his abuser, AND how to deal with anger when it rears its ugly head.

you should also get counseling if you can. even if it is with a school counselor. you said you are from a christian home, so ideally, you should get some pastoral counseling. in most churches this is free or available on a sliding scale. are you wondering what you need counseling for? just preparation. whether you end up in a marriage with your cousin or not, you need to learn what warning signs to look for, and what resources are available to you if you ever find yourself in a predicament.

and honestly i think every young woman should take a self defense class if at all possible. it's a scary world out there, and you never know when you're going to need the courage and skill to fight off an attacker.

anyway, my point is, if you and your cousin want to spend a life together, you need to use this time (between now and his 18th birthday) preparing yourselves in every way possible so that you can have a successful marriage. oh, and when that time comes, before you tie the knot, get pre-marital counseling. half of all couples divorce because the reality of marriage comes as a total shock to them. it ain't nothing like the courting or the honeymoon.

in time, if the two of you will actually take my advice and work towards this goal in a manner like i've laid out, i can ALMOST guarantee you that your mom will accept the two of you as a couple, and give you her blessing on a marriage... after he has reached the age of 18.

by the way... are either of you planning on going to college and having a career? because those are important things that will influence your mom's acceptance, also.

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Hello LadyC, thanks for responding!

So there are no drugs involved in the father son situation, just the effects of a masochistic society and mindset of learning how to cheat and take women for granted  :( .But he's told me time after time that he's nothing like his dad...in fact he's not even living with him . Even though im not a therapist he has shared with me his past. Hes following Christ now and even his mom sees a change in him. God has done something special to him and hes just the man I've always been praying for. I've tried telling my mom too but she just refuses to accept our relationship.

As for our plans in life,  yes I'm going to my local university that's given me a full scholarship to get my bachelors in Nursing  :cheesy: I'm interested in becoming a neonatal or icu nurse.

My boyfriend plans on becoming a police officer  :smiley:

So yes we do have our plans laid out and we know its going to take hard work. My mom says that She's trying to protect me but that in the end it's my choice if I want to ruin and embarass the family/her.

Is there anything else I can tell her? She thinks that were doing the "wrong" thing.

It's actually funny bc I told my bf that we had to Wait until he reached that age  :laugh:

Also after having a talk with my mom she really left me feeling torn. How can I not feel guilt and shame? I really do love him but she's souring our relationship and trying to distance us. I guess in the future we have to just SHOW her that she doesn't have to worry,right?  :wink:

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sounds like the two of you are on the right track then! it's good to know that he is a christian, too. marriage takes 3, i'm firmly convinced of that. without Jesus being the center of a marriage, it's much more difficult to make things work!

however, don't dismiss the idea of him getting counseling, preferably pastoral counseling, about his father's abuse... BECAUSE, being a cop is a high stress job and the incident of spousal abuse in marriages of cops is pretty high. i don't know why that is, but it is. so it's always better to be prepared.

right now though, don't feel ashamed. there isn't anything wrong with your relationship. and your mom IS trying to protect you... even if what she perceives as the threat isn't really a threat at all. part of it may be that she knows that at this age, the odds of you two staying together forever are against you, and a breakup would have farther reaching effects simply because of the peripheral family dynamics involved. but also, i want you to think about something.

this will be a really hard concept for you to grasp. i know, because there is not a daughter alive who has ever been able to imagine her mother at the same age, with the same emotions, the same situations, the same struggles, etc. but your mom has been where you are in life. maybe not with a cousin, but with guys in particular. she's been a teenager in love. she's been a teenager in love with someone her parents thought wasn't good enough for her! she's LIVED through what you are living through on so many levels... and that experience has taught her things that you haven't learned yet... lessons that she knows have to be learned the hard way, but as a mom, she doesn't want it to be hard for you. she looks back on her life now and knows that she would have done some things differently if only she'd known... if only someone had told her. but she also knows that she wouldn't have listened if anyone HAD told her, and she knows that it is your 'right of passage' to learn from your experiences too.

i'm not trying to sound negative here, because i believe you and your cousin have a strong foundation that may very well prove to last a lifetime. BUT, that doesn't change the fact that you will have a bumpy road between now and later, and your mom just wants that road to be as smooth as it can be. so try not to be so hard on her. she's walked in your shoes, and that is why she's so fearful for you. believe it or not, 20 years or so from now, somebody is going to be telling YOUR daughter the exact same thing i'm telling you. your mom has a lot of life experience, and a lot of wisdom and knowledge about navigating life and love. and ya know, if you'll will yourself to let her share some of that with you, it'll make her feel much better. although there may be some things that she doesn't ever want you to know about her past, it's natural for a mom to want her daughter to know about her own teen years, the boys she dated or loved, the fights she had with her parents. it's natural, because a mom WANTS her daughter to really, really KNOW her, and not just think she's some old fashioned shrew that doesn't have a clue.

there is a scene from a movie that i just love. the movie stars morgan freeman, it's called "the magic of belle isle". morgan plays a cranky old man in a wheelchair who had once been a successful novelist. he moves in next door to a single mother with three daughters who range from about 6 to 16. the 16 year old thinks mom is mean, clueless, and absolutely must be to blame for their father leaving them. one day, the daughter finds an old diary that her mother had hidden in the hollow of a tree on a nearby island. in it, she learned all the things her mother had gone through when HER parents had gotten divorced. to the teenager, it was like looking at a mirror of herself. she suddenly could totally identify with her mom, and understood her much better. she got a little nicer to her mom, and when her mom was surprised, the daughter apologized for having read the diary. her mother told her she was really glad that she had. it was a bonding moment for them, and it changed their relationship forever... or at least for the rest of the movie, which was nearing the end anyway. but not only did the daughter loosen up towards the mom after that, the mother loosened up towards the daughter. mom wasn't quite so hard-headed about things like who the daughter dated or hung out with, and the daughter wasn't quite so annoyed with her mom's 'guidance' in her life.

anyway, try that. just ask your mom out of the blue sometime about things from her past. don't just do it once, either. really get to know your mom as a teen, as a peer, and not just as 'mom'. i bet it will bring about subtle changes that will add up to big changes over time.

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