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Want to talk about my love with somebody

Guest hushera

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Guest hushera

Never thought I will write it somewhere on the web. Never thought I will have this feeling and HER always in my head. It's hard to admit it, it's like admitting your addiction.

I even don't remember when it started exactly.

She appeared in my life when moved to my city to study. I knew her all my life, but she lived in other city far from us, and I remember her from my childhood but we didn't grow up together. I have big family and lots of cousins, almost all of them are girls, and surprisingly I never ever had crush on any of them, I liked to hang out but never something more.

She was 17 and I was 20 when she arrived to my city. First year we met not more than 5 times, I had my studies she had her and I was busy working all the time.

Then we met several times and talked a lot and we started to see each other more often, she had a boyfriend but he was in the army (in my country we are obliged to go for 1 year in army) and I didn't have a girlfriend so we spend almost all our time being together, only two of us, having chats, running, working out, I was teaching her lots of things, supporting her in her hobbies, when she was upset I was coming to visit her and have a wine together. We always shared everything that happened in our lives, talks about sex - we could talk about EVERYTHING - literature, movies we have similar tastes. What connected us I think is love to develop ourselves and we were doing it together.

Even after all of the above I really didn't see her like a "girl", sometimes I thought that our relations look like girlfriend and boyfriend and sometimes people was confusing us being a couple. I really didn't care, it was just funny for me, no thoughts about her at all. I wanted to be with her, to visit her to surprise her, but no "crush" feelings.

First "strange" thing happened when we were drunk with friends. I just remember parts of that evening, and even that part I want to share, I remembered only several days after the party - she was smoking on the balcony with a friend leaning on the balcony's railing, I was behind her and started to touch her ass and started to rub it, and she was helping me with moving her ass. It was really a shock for me, I was against such things with my cousin, I was embarrassed with what happened, but it looked like she didn't remember a thing about it. Having this feelings for some time I just forget about it and explained it like bad coincidence.

When I was visiting her I sleepover her place and we were sleeping together in one not very big bed. So once she had a call from her mother(my father's sister) when I visited her, and after the call she told me "Imagine my mother just asked if we are not doing "something more" than cousins" I was shocked, I didn't believe someone could even think about it, I was like "Why some people think that such things are ok? How could she ask about it at all?" I really felt that way it was repulsive for me for some reason.

After this we had some talks on why she assumed that, but we really didn't talk a lot about it, I was just suggesting that maybe there were some cases in their families, so she just jokingly asked that. This was the night, when we slept in one bed and I had sex dream about her. I remember it very clearly, I woke up at night with a huge boner and had her near me, I had million of weird thoughts of trying to kiss her or something, but I didn't allow myself to do it. I tried to sleep again and it was very hard night, I was blaming myself for even having such dream, suppressing the thoughts but the dream and desire and thought about being with her was SO STRONG, I had the best sex in my dream I ever had in my life. I couldn't forget that dream for very long time, it was haunting me for several weeks and I had a desire to fap to this dream but I didn't even allow myself to do that, to have her in my mind when I "pleasure myself", it was not acceptable for me. I stopped visiting her for some time. I tried to forget all of this, but as we were very close it was hard to, so finally I started to allow myself thinking about her like this, having her in my sex fantasies and so on, seeing her like a "girl".

I remember her saying that if wasn't her cousin she would date me, once when she had a fight with her boyfriend she said - he doesn't understand me at all, you understand me why we cannot be a family. I laughed cause we were not only together and I couldn't talk with her more on what did she mean, also that time I was really afraid of even thinking to say something about my thoughts, I was ashamed of myself, I thought I am some pervert and I really was trying to keep her just in my mind, I didn't want to act on this. I decided to put my "perversity" in my mind, although it was hard to, but for several years I even didn't allow myself to google it, so I felt like I am normal.

Once(time flies fast, it was almost 5 years ago) we were again drunk with my friends, and we started to talk something about sex, and she asked me if I thought about having sex with her, but again, we were with friends, she even told that in front of friends, I don't know why she asked that I couldn't talk cause there were friends, and I wanted to talk more seriously about such things with her when we are only two of us. This talk boosted my wanting of her, I don't know if it was just a stupid joke question, or she was serious. Next day of course it was not right time to speak about that, I was ashamed even to try to talk about that, I didn't know how will she act when she is sober and will she remember this question at all? I was very shy that time and haven't had a girlfriend ever. The problem with her is that she is direct, she is not a girl that can tell something with another meaning in words, she doesn't have double meaning in saying something, I didn't notice she uses this things at all with anybody.

In my language word cousin we say it like "second relative brother"(first cousin) so the word brother is involved, and she often uses word "brother" towards me. You are the best brother and stuff like that. I know her well and she can be sincere in her friendship with guys, without seeing them like boys.

After some time she broke up with her boyfriend and then started to date my good friend, we were all in one group of friends and something happened between them. I was the one initiating the break with her previous boyfriend cause I knew she deserves somebody better. Even loving her deeply in my heart I wanted her to be happy, so I was ok with her dating my friend, cause I knew him, he is good guy, smart, almost like me, I knew he will never cheat on her and etc.

Some time later she moved to my place cause she had to leave her flat. We lived together and for me it was really hard when saw her almost naked. I had also another roommate - another our cousin (male), so we were living three of us each had a separate room, sometimes I slept in her bed, but not very often. I cannot say we were very close that time when she started to date my friend. We spent lots of time together but with all of my friends, hanging out, the times when we were only two of us were really rare.

After a year I went working to another country so it was hard time, I was without her, but I had a girlfriend, and she is nice and everything, but I really compared her to my cousin all the time. I now compare every girl with her all the time and now it's a problem for me cause I cannot be happy in a relation, I cannot take a girl I am dating like she is, cause I always tend to compare what my cousin would do or act or say.

I tried to forget her, it works for some time, but after I see her everything goes back. I always want to talk to her and share with her, care about her, cause really she is the only person that understands me fully and I am like that to her. She doesn't talk about some things with her boyfriend, but talks with me, shares everything... Says that she misses me and waits when I come back, when I was not at home for half a year she was like I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU, please come back soon and so on. I don't know anyone who is same as me to her, and for me same, I don't talk in the same manner with my sister for example. We are like - yeah it would be nice you to come to our place, yeah I will try to - we don't talk a lot.

She always jump on me when we meet after long time, she gives me very strong hug and is super happy to see me and always excited to go with me, to talk and etc.

Once I told her like - imagine that it was ok to marry your cousin and have relations like in old times in USA and in muslim countries, but she didn't react on this, she just said something like "it's weird" or "i don't think is good" I don't exactly remember.

Another weird thing happened on New Year 2013 party - I was a bit drunk and she was totally drunk, and when we returned with all of my friends at home from a walk, I went to kitchen and she jumped on me and bite my ear and chick so passionately I had immediate boner, I felt I wanted to kiss her immediately but her boyfriend was at my place too and I didn't know how to act. I saw something in her eyes, like she wanted me, but I cannot say for sure, maybe she just was drunk, I don't know, again it was not good time to talk about it.

This summer terrible thing happened, her best friend Lily died in the car accident, several days after funeral we were hanging out with my friends on the nature near river, her boyfriend was absent, we drank wine and I started to make her massage of shoulders, she started to rub my leg tenderly, then I massaged her head with all my love I could put to this, she was looking in my eyes from time to time. It was evening and she had to go to the toilet and I said I will go with her, cause it's dark so she can be safe (it was in the woods). She went there I was standing waiting for her, I still had that strong feeling that I want her after that massage and when she returned I stared at her some time and she was also looking at me and then I don't remember how it happened I strongly hugged her, she accepted it and hugged me too - very strong, we started to rub each other face with our faces, with cheeks then she bite my shoulder with passion as it seemed to me. We were cuddling(i think it's right word), my heart was beating so strong that I really thought it will jump out my chest, I had strong boner, but I was really afraid to kiss her so I wanted to talk, so I said - ohhhh, we need to talk. She was like - about what? about Lily? we were still hugging each other, I said slowly rubbing her face with love - "no". She interrupted hugging with surprise - ABOUT WHAT? I thought if she feels the same she would understand about WAHT, so if she didn't understand, I didn't want to say what exactly, so I said mumbling "yeah about Lily" and she again hugged me, we went back to our friends holding out hands and I hugged her waist from time to time, we returned back and continued with the massage.

This august we went to a concert only two of us, cause her boyfriend doesn't like the band and he was like - nah, i will not go i don't want to (he is not doing lots of thing for her, even if he doesn't like the band he could come, but he didn't and he was proving that band is shit) It was first time after several years we went somewhere only two of us. We had to go by bus 10 hours, we slept in bus hugging each other whole night - she hugged me, i hugged her, i was touching her, rubbing and she was also doing it but not very intensive I must say. We had double bad, but we slept only one night there after the concert. We acted like couple sometimes, I hold her hand when we crossed the road, or hugging her waist sometimes randomly. The night in the hotel was fun, we drank wine talked and were also cuddling a bit, but initiative was always mine, she accepts it, but not saying no or stopping me. I never touched her boobs or nether regions, so maybe for her it's just OK to have such relation and she doesn't see that like "sexual" thing, but for me it's not. I cannot imagine I have a long hug or cuddle with somebody I don't want to have sex with.

She has good relations with her boyfriend, she loves him, they are dating 3 years already, but I don't see that she is really happy. Everything is ok between them, but I see that more like habit already - she doesn't like some things about him, they are not so deeply connected emotionally. I know that he didn't love her when they started dating, he was just having fun with her as he said. He kinda felt in love later, but I don't see that this is the TRUE LOVE that is shown in movies, the deep understanding of each other and connection between them. My cousin is not the one who thinks a lot about things, she doesn't have big dreams or having some outstanding life, she is ok with things like they are. She says that everything is ok between her and her boyfriend, but I always see how he treats her, he doesn't LOVE her, the LOVE that I have for example, when I like to surprise her, to make some things random, random ask for a walk, or just have some random party together. She complains about lots of things about him, that he doesn't show respect to her sometimes (and I notice this). They have lots of things they don't agree on, but she is the one who changes herself for this relations, so she tends to understand him and act like he wants and she doesn't notice what is wrong about their relations. I try to give some hints on that, try to show how things look from other's point of view that they have lot of things not in common, that this relation now is more like a habit, but she says - you don't know what is love, you think rationally about this and bla bla bla. I think the one thing that connects them is sex, if they stop having sex they would have break up I think, cause they will not have so many things in common. Now I start to think that bible is true saying that relations that start on sex are not good, and they started from sex, not having love between them. He is only second guy in her life, so he was experienced and better than previous one, so I think she was just crazy about sex with him, and that thing made her think she loves him.

When I wrote this text for another site, it was the end of my story, but yesterday happened another thing:

Once she said that her boyfriend doesn't do a feet massage or massage at all when they are just watching something or reading, his reason was - "i don't receive any pleasure of doing it, so sorry" She was upset cause she likes it and she likes when I do it, so she is always saying "it's so cool feeling" when I do it.

So yesterday we watched a movie at my place with her and her boyfriend, we are all close, so it's not a big deal for me doing a feet massage in front of him, so I started with it, while watching a movie and having wine, I started to massage her hands, her legs with tender and love I wanted to hug her and smell her, kiss her and etc. Then after some time her boyfriend fell asleep cause he was tired, and we both watched a movie - I hugged her, we put out heads together, she massaged my hands, it was weird doing it near the sleeping boyfriend, cause it has some meaning to me, maybe not to her. This time I even accidently touch her boob, and rubbed her belly, and she was not saying NO, she didn't act somehow, I was holding her hand all the time. We watched a movie on the bed, so after the movie, we started to watch another one and I was doing this massaging, half cuddling, I don't know how to call it. I started to massage her head, her ears, and I felt like she was receiving some sexual pleasure while I was massaging the ears, I had my hand on her leg, and she started to move a leg and shiver a bit (it seemed to me). Then I put my laptop aside and said that ok, let's sleep. I hugged her, put my hands into her hands, i was touching her legs, but still I couldn't allow myself to go more far, my heart was beating strong, she was not saying no, she was smiling, I touched her face she looked at me and asked - so what? smiling, I really felt like this was an approval to our feelings, I was on emotions so I read it like that. "You don't want to go back?"(to my work in another country, tomorrow I will leave)  she asked

"I don't want to,"  I said


"Guess why?" I asked

"Cause you are tired of moving between countries??"

.... I was surprised and upset in a moment, but that time looking in her eyes whispering, I felt like now we both know about our love

"Kind of" I responded

"So go back to our country", she said

"And what will i do here?", I asked meaning for what I should come back

She laughed and made a smile like she was knowing something but didn't want to say

Her boyfriend was sleeping all the time with us in the same bed, she was between us, but turned to me and hugged me.

This all seemed to me very positive, I started to touch her more intensive, to hug her, she rubbed my head and I was holding her hands all the time very strong, showing that I want to hold them very strong without a stop.

Then I started to kiss her fingers and after that she stopped doing everything and just mumbled something and turned to other side, she didn't say stop it, she just said something like "calm down". That's all, I was shocked, I didn't want to sleep with her in the same bed so I went to another room leaving them sleep in the same bed.

I was waiting for the morning, to see what will happen. She acted like nothing happened, I didn't like it

I asked "Do you remember what has happened?"

"What? Yes" and she showed me kissing her hands, but she put some sort of negative sign showing this

I just went back to my room, then after she had a shower

"Are you upset or angry at me" I asked her

"I don't know what to think actually" she said smiling

"Maybe i made some wrong move??"

"Maybe, but why?" she asked

"Maybe I was drunk, but maybe you gave me green light on this"

"HOW??? ME??? NO!! I didn't do anything (i think meaning she didn't do anything to provoke me doing what I did)" she responded

For me it was over, I didn't know how to act so I just let her and her boyfriend to go to work.

In the evening I initiated to meet and talk, I had lots of future variations of our conversation in my head, but I didn't guess.

"So I want to talk about what happened. Are you really upset? Why? What exactly you are angry at? I really don't understand why I am guilty and for what exactly" I said

"Actually I am not angry or upset, I just don't know. I saw you couldn't sleep and I wanted to ask you why, so I asked about maybe you don't want to go another country and you miss me, so I decided to hug you and sleep like that, but then you started to kiss my hands and I don't know what it means for you guys. It was strange so I didn't know what to think" she responded

After this I just stopped any conversation about what happened, I didn't know what to say. She looked like really doing all of this things without giving it some sexual side, or something more than cousins, so it was so innocent, I couldn't even start a conversation about that it's not innocent for me, and that how she acts is not cousin thing, cause we have lots of cousins and only with me she is like that, so it means something, but I couldn't start to say it, just couldn't cause she was really innocent about what happened, and I started to feel like stupid seeing something more in everything that we had that night like a sign of her loving me. I left her go home and walked to my place thinking that I should stop this, I should take her out of my head and heart, hopes for some possible future with her. She is really very deep inside me, for these 5 long years I cannot imagine living without thinking at least once a day about her, I am wasted, I don't know what to do.

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Part of me wants to try, to see that maybe she just doesn't understand this now and maybe something will change. I doubt she will accept my love ever, cause I know she loves me in a cousin way, maybe a bit more but I don't think so deeply she will want to do crazy things like marry or even tell our parents. She has normal life and she doesn't want to change it.

Another part of me says "You are stupid, you missed your chance long time ago, when we started to have close relations and when she didn't have a boyfriend with her. You were too shy and afraid on thinking about her more than cousin and you missed a chance. You should close this topic in your mind and try to wipe her out of your heart", but it is so hard! I want to see her in my mind, I want to think about her, cause she is really the ONE I am ok living whole my life with. I cannot imagine same with other girls, the though of being together whole life horrifies me, but not with her. She can motivate me to do lots of things, to be better at something I always want to surprise her, and I am not tired of making her happy whenever I can, and now I need somehow to substitute her with something else that is unknown and cold. She is the one that was bringing me peace and meaning to everything, because of her I still can feel something, cause I feel the more I run from her, the more I loose my feelings, cause I have to suppress love and with this I suppress everything else, I don't want to become cold person without feelings living unemotional life.

I am tired of this....

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I hope things work out for you. I understand what it's like

to have a really strong love for a cousin.

Just tell me, as a girl what can you say about behavior of my cousin? Does it look even close to positive? Does it show from her side something that I should still hope for? I would like to have some opinions on that, cause sometimes I feel I can get crazy thinking about it only myself and not telling this out loud to somebody.

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