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So frustrated

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Sorry this is a long post, it's kind of a two-fold problem.  Please bear with me and don't judge, this is really hard for me to talk about and I have no one to discuss it with because of the sensitive nature of things.  That being said, here we go....  So I've had a crush on my second cousin since I was a kid (we're both middle-aged now) but he was like 10 years older than me and got married before I was even "legal".  We were never close when I was younger, but when he got divorced 10 years ago, we started talking and kind of developed a relationship.  At that time, I was looking up to him as an older brother-type, not attracted to him physically anymore - but he was attracted to me.  It freaked me out a little and we drifted apart.  Now I'm married, he is still single.  We have reconnected as friends/cousins, but his attraction for me has not waned and mine for him has been rekindled.  We both kind of knew how each other felt, but last week when I went to his house for dinner and a movie, he kissed me.  He also mentioned that he had bought a necklace for me months ago but was afraid to give it to me because he didn't wanna weird me out.  He forgot to give it to me that night, and asked me to come by the following day to get it.  I did, just ran in for a sec... but he kissed me again and started to get really aroused.  I know I should have stopped him, I'm married, for heaven's sake.  But I didn't.  I encouraged his behavior by flirting via text for the next 2 days.  Then outta nowhere, he decided that he needed to pull back and "protect" me, since I was married and have had some emotional issues due to traumatic relationships I've been in (including this marriage).  I was devastated.  I finally confronted him and he agreed to talk to me face to face, so we got together at his place again the other day, and, well, things happened.  We talked, and it was good... then we kissed and he took me to his room.  We started getting physical, but he could not get hard.  He didn't appear to be "unattracted", and eventually he was able to orgasm... but now he's pulling back emotionally again and I'm so freaked out.  He's all I can think about, I wait for him to text me and get super sad when he doesn't.  I don't understand what's going through his mind and he won't open up to me.  I feel guilty for being unfaithful to my husband, but I feel like I'm in love with my cousin (and made the mistake of telling him so).  Was he just lonely and wanted sex?  Does he have feelings for me but is afraid of getting hurt again?  I don't know.  He just says "let's take it slow" and "time will tell" and cryptic stuff that keeps me completely frustrated.  I was always afraid of telling people how I felt about him, but now I don't care... I just wanna be with him.  I don't know if it's ever going to happen, but it's all I can think about.  Ugh!!!  Has anyone ever been through this?  Any advice?  I know I should just "forget about him" and worry about my marriage, decide whether or not I want to stay with this guy or not then figure out the rest... but I can't forget about him.  It's killing me!  Thanks for listening......

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maybe he's just a decent guy who knows that you both acted impulsively, regrets the choices that you both made, and is trying to turn back the hands of time and do the right thing. you are married, after all. your husband, no matter what kind of marriage the two of you have, deserves your fidelity.

so maybe you should assume that your cousin really IS that decent guy trying to do the right thing, and follow in his footsteps.

this is why i always warn people about the whole playing with fire thing... the texting, the flirting, the confiding in someone else... all it does (besides ruin marriages) is cause confusion and heartache like what you're going through. now, you can think i'm being judgmental because i'm encouraging you to put your cousin behind you, but it's not about judgement. it's about honor, integrity, and in the end, your own sanity. it won't be easy for you, and i won't pretend it will be. but you CAN do the right thing. i hope you will.

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About your situation - this is really weird what you described. It depends how old is he i think about the "he could not get hard". Maybe he has some problems with it and he is really ashamed of it. Did you meet again after that?

I would advice you to talk to him straight - and ask what is happening and if he doesn't explain things - he can forget about you forever. You need to be strong and actually do what you say - if he wouldn't explain it well, or it'll look he is hiding something, then really forget about him. I know that is hard, but if he is not ready to be with you then why do you need it? You need to be strong and meet him face to face, better in public so you cannot go physical, you need to sort it out on that meeting. I would even record the conversation just to later rethink things, and better understand. I always find that it's good to have such important conversations recorded so you can have a voice and emotions, cause when I discuss things with my cousin that are sensitive, my heart beats so strong and I always put my eyes away of her, and I am not rational because of the whole "bouquet of feelings" inside me so I can say stupid things, or understand her not what she say but what I feel on what she says, and it's different.

You know for me now, I am really ready to run away with my cousin and hide in some country and live together, I doubt it will be possible and it's just a dream, but I don't know what could stop me wanting her after I had a mutual love with her, if she would somehow show me that it is - YES, I am ready for everything.

At that time, I was looking up to him as an older brother-type, not attracted to him physically anymore - but he was attracted to me.  It freaked me out a little and we drifted apart

We have reconnected as friends/cousins, but his attraction for me has not waned and mine for him has been rekindled.

It's music to my ears :) I don't know if it's good or bad, but you gave me hope. You are a girl that saw him like a brother, freaked out and later fall in love... It gives real hope  for everybody here to better tell about your love and wait - time will show everything. Now I am in the process of trying to forget her, to associate her with someone else, to stop having her in my dreams and thoughts when I am not busy. I really hate her for not writing to me and asking how are things after what happened between us. I try to wipe her out, but now you gave me hope again, and gave me a reason to tell her about my feelings, and I don't know if it's good :(

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