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Zarafa

Help! I don't know what to do anymore...

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Hey everyone!

I really need some advice/help with my situation, it's killing me inside and I have no one I can talk to about it.

I'm a 26 year old female and I really love my 19 year old cousin.  Problem is we live on different continents, communicate daily via texts and skype often. 

Now, I have never told him I'm in love with him and he hasn't either. Which is where I am so confused.

Everyday as I wake up the first thing I do is check to see if I have messages from him, I can't get him off my mind.

He does give me mixed signals also, some days I'm sure he feels the same and some days I'm not so sure.

I just need to know from you experienced lot if there are any sure fire ways of knowing for sure except by just saying it. We have said I love you to each other before but that was before I started feeling so strongly about him.

Now here's the bombshell... I'm recently married.

I feel horrible about thinking about another man so lovingly...but it's my cousin!

Please don't be harsh on me.

I don't even know if anything can be done as it is something not accepted in our family. His sister was in love with another cousin and the family shunned her.

Anyone on here just quietly bears love for their cousin that they just can't express?

Please help.

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i understand you not wanting us to be harsh on you. but you have to understand that the majority of members and ALL of the administrators here at cousincouples.com put a much higher value on the sanctity of marriage than on cousin relationships. we can't support you choosing to pursue a relationship, physical, emotional, or electronic, with your cousin while you are married to another man. and if your heart is with your cousin, you really have a responsibility to let your husband know. it should be his decision as to what to do with that information.

why did you get married if you were in love with someone else?

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Thank you LadyC I appreciate it and I do understand and value marriage's sanctity.

I have been with my husband for over 8 years and I simply didn't have the feelings when I got married that I do now.

When I got married a year ago I just started talking to my cousin about 6 months before.

I love my husband but I also love my cousin and I know I cannot have them both.

My trouble is that the feelings I have are still there and it makes my heart ache every single day loving both of them the way I do...

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wow, not sure what to say.  we never married each other  and actually have each married the other loves of our life.  its funny my wife and cousin are so much alike, I guess I know what kind of woman I am attracted to.

Well back to you...your issue with your cousin, maybe ask, take that next step and ask if there are feelings or what is this "thing" you have between you two?  I think instead of it eating inside you, its time to ask those difficult questions and have that hard talk with your cousin.  In the end when the air clear and the dust settles you'll know where things stand and you'll feel better you cleared up any issues.

I wish you luck

:smiley:

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well if you're willing to give up one for the sake of the other, i have some tips that will (in time) help. it does work. it has 100% success rate IF you stick to the plan and make the commitment to your goal.

* first of all, cut off ALL contact with your cousin. ALL. no more texts, no more phone calls, skype, emails, facebook, nothing. i recommend telling him that you are doing so, and ask him to respect your decision. if he really loves you, he will respect it, and will allow you salvage your marriage.

* put a time limit on thoughts about your cousin. allow yourself (for example) three times a day, 30 minutes each... so sometime in the morning, afternoon, and night, allow yourself to think whatever you like about your cousin. BUT... the hard part is you MUST stick to those times. if something comes up and you're not able to be alone with your thoughts during (for instance) your afternoon time, then that time is lost. you may not make it up at any other time. when thoughts of him creep in at any time other than what is designated, tell yourself (and i mean literally... in a mirror, out loud) "no, i'll think of him at 7 pm" or whatever the next time slot is. you may have to tell yourself over and over until you train your brain and your heart to obey. and that is exactly what you are doing... training yourself.

*  after you've gotten good at sticking to three designated times, (and it might be good to set a deadline on this) either shorten the number of minutes or drop one of the times. for instance, if you allow yourself thirty minutes at 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 7 p.m., either change it to 20 minutes three times a day, or dropping out the 2 pm time slot.

* continue whittling it down. after three or four weeks (or less maybe), drop another ten minutes or another time slot. and then do it again. continue until you only have brief and passing thoughts occasionally, but are no longer longing for contact with him.

IMPORTANT:

that's only half of it. you have to give your husband double time. however much time you allow yourself to think of your cousin, you must dedicate TWICE as much time to thinking about your husband. and that time must be filled with GOOD thoughts, not negative ones. spend your time thinking about ways you can surprise him, plan nice things you can do, and definitely spend time thinking about the fun things ya'll have done together and all the things that made you fall in love with him. if you find yourself running out of things to think about, consider praying for him. that's a good way to strengthen your relationship with him and with God at the same time (assuming you believe in God). maybe you could thank God for him, or ask God to bless his day.

now don't skip that step. and don't slack off, either. your husband doesn't deserve no time, or even equal time. he deserves all of your heart, so give him double the time you give to your cousin.... but as you cut back on cousin-thinking, do NOT cut back on your husband-thinking time.

i promise, this will work. it will take time, and it won't be easy. it'll take total commitment on your part. but i can't make this decision for you. i can give you the steps, i can encourage you, i can even lift you in prayer... but you alone have to decide whether your marriage means enough to you to take this step.

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hey, someone just posted a link on facebook i think i should share with you. because bottom line is this... love isn't so much of a feeling (emotion) as it is a verb... it's an action that we choose to do. and when you act in a loving way towards someone, the feelings follow. every time! so here are 25 simple acts to show love towards your husband. combine this with the advice above, and i can imagine your life will change for the better very quickly.

http://lovinglifeathome.com/2012/08/06/25-ways-to-communicate-respect/

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Thank you again LadyC and cuzlisalover!

I agree with you that putting the attention towards my husband will be helpful but does it have to be as drastic as me cutting my cousin off completely? As I said I don't even know for sure if he has feelings for me the way I do for him.

I will put it in the hands of God and continue praying that I will receive a resolution to this situation sometime where I can be happy. I think I would be very unhappy without either one of them to be honest...both in different ways...

I have saved your tips and will definitely try to enforce some of them...

It's just very hard for me:::

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yep, it really does have to be that drastic. even if he doesn't have feelings for you, it's your feelings for him that are the issue. and you can't let those feelings go if you aren't able to let go of your contact with him, right? at some point when you've got your head on your shoulders and no longer harbor romantic feelings for him, then maybe resuming a friendly relationship would be less of a threat to your marriage. but right now, it IS a threat. a BIG threat. and you, dear, have a choice to make. i do hope and pray you will be able to make the right one.

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Lady C - very impressed with your advice!!! 

If I ever have an issue, I think I'll be coming to you!

you seem very wise, thanks for shedding some valuable light on this for Zarafa.

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my wisdom comes from the school of hard knocks, cuzlisalover! i'm glad that you find it useful. it's generally a black or white issue. people either love my advice or hate it. but none of what i say comes without the experience to back it up, even if i sometimes sound like i'm "holier than thou".... it's not. it's because i've been there myself.

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Hey everyone!

I really need some advice/help with my situation, it's killing me inside and I have no one I can talk to about it.

I'm a 26 year old female and I really love my 19 year old cousin.  Problem is we live on different continents, communicate daily via texts and skype often. 

Now, I have never told him I'm in love with him and he hasn't either. Which is where I am so confused.

Everyday as I wake up the first thing I do is check to see if I have messages from him, I can't get him off my mind.

He does give me mixed signals also, some days I'm sure he feels the same and some days I'm not so sure.

I just need to know from you experienced lot if there are any sure fire ways of knowing for sure except by just saying it. We have said I love you to each other before but that was before I started feeling so strongly about him.

Now here's the bombshell... I'm recently married.

I feel horrible about thinking about another man so lovingly...but it's my cousin!

Please don't be harsh on me.

I don't even know if anything can be done as it is something not accepted in our family. His sister was in love with another cousin and the family shunned her.

Anyone on here just quietly bears love for their cousin that they just can't express?

Please help.

That's it! This is the deal breaker. :) Nothing more to discuss. You know what to do. ;)

Pooch

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