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Talk about being selfish, right? (To tell or not to tell, that is the question)

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Telling him would be selfish, right?

****You can skip this story****

We met each other when I was 15, I believe. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was an amazing time. Meeting my relatives finally! But they didn't feel like family. Strangers that turned into friends. I never was quite the talker, but my cousin and I got along just fine by our similar interests.

A year or two later, I moved to his area and he lived with me and my mom for months til he left for Philippines. I had strange feelings for him then and have always thought him handsome. However, I was clueless to the point that I even encouraged my friend to hook up with him, since I thought it would be a good match. Although we got closer and my feelings developed more, nothing 'super' significant happen. Only my hopes and erotic dreams were real.

Hopes, ehh? Like that time at the airport. He was ready to go with his family and well, they couldn't bring all his guitars so he asked me to help put the rest in the car. I didn't mind I was going to miss him and more time alone with him was nice. In the elevator I could practically hear my own emotions screaming at me to do something. It was just him and me in the elevator, so many things could have happened, but did they? no. We drop them off to the car and he asked me to take care of one of them, his red fender electric guitar, Aries. I thought this weird, cause well, his sister or brother could have been entrust to it, but he chose me. I pushed the thought aside and moved on. Nothing happened. Like the time he asked me to visit his relatives with him and his older brother. My other cousin who has been with him longer was right here, but did he asked her no.... he asked me. I felt special, but again pushed it aside.

Okay, at this point I give up trying to figure out what this feeling is between me and my cousin. I spent time and questioned myself time and time again (As everyone probably has) if I really do like him like that and if I do, what next? But he was gone, or so I thought.

After high school, I went to study in Philippines. With hopes of sharing a space with him there, both our families thought it would work. And hopes skyrocketed, but never happened. However all was not lost. His father and him stay with me and my mom for quite sometime. I got close to both of them. His father even saw me as his second daughter and displayed love to me that was very very rare in anyone's eyes, but my standards.

Anyway our relationship took a spin. I was in a serious long distance relationship ('serious' Cause I don't believe in long distance), but I tried. I think a bit of that influenced my aggressive behavior, I hugged him every chance I got persistently. Not just him though everyone. I guess I was desperate. But that caused our relationship to be more playful. We'd wrestle each other again and again, til it was our norm. I don't know how anyone accepted this, but they did.

Two years of long distance with nothing but skype to keep my hunger at bay, and I was losing myself. I didn't care, which I found out was due to my chronic disease -___- and I did the worst thing I could possibly do to the only person who tried to keep in contact with me out of all the times I have moved! I cheated and not once. At first I felt bad told my bf and swore I would never do it again with my classmate, but I didn't know he was so aggressive. I couldn't avoid him. 5 classes together, projects together. It was horrible. He would coax me like crazy. I gave in. I maked out and I was weak. I stopped the long distance as soon as I got it through my head that I could only hurt him more. I didn't tell him why I broke up, just that I need something real. I tried to wait out the three months rule, but that classmate is so aggressive, asking me daily and tell me how much we already look like a couple. And I couldn't deny it. I started dating him a day after I started to date the long distance guy, but the facebook status ended up putting on the same day. My stomach burned and I knew I was in trouble. My friends in school wouldn't look at me anymore, constantly reminding me what a b**** I was. I couldn't deny it. BUT TWO YEARS WAITING! I couldn't handle it.

I got a new bf, yeah. For a horrible reasoning, made me thing all I am after is the physical part, but that's not true. It's the warm and care you feel when you're loved. What changed my mind? My medication for my chronic disease and mental preparations for moving.... AGAIN. But no.... there's one thing else. The death of my cousin's father. My second father who I trusted, who showed me loved. I saw his body a couple hours of coming back from a vacation with the family. We got a call from the hospital saying he had a heart attacked. I believed with all my heart he was okay, he was just 57, also to cheer up my sister's fiance that looked awkward as everyone fell into despair. An hour later that changed to disbelieve of his death which later turn into despair, In the end I hugged my cousin's father awkward, shivering and crying. After a long day, I got home and locked myself into a room, while the rest of the family pick up my cousin. I couldn't go. I wasn't certain, emotions were bouncing from side to side. And I just didn't know what to say. My sister, Veronica, was someone who my cousin trusted to talk to anyway, I thought she would be the best person to go, not me. I thought she would be the person he wanted to see, not me. I listened to some hard rock and forced myself to sleep, cuddling up in a blanket surrounded by my anger.

The next thing I know is a knock, I said coming and open the door without a slight glance focused on getting back to sleep before I have some sort of insomnia. "I just came to check if you were okay" A soft unsure tone. My body was heavy but I turned I couldn't face him and said "I'll fine. I just got over it but my usual methods. I'll be fine." As I collapsed on the bed, I saw my cousin standing there saying, can I have a hug? He never in a billion years would ever say that to me. Emotion rushed in and I said of course, and grabbed his hand draggin him down there was resistant and him saying, He's not going down. But he gave in. I couldn't contain anything. Out of pure nonsense of emotion, I said I love you. The word that were so hard to convey bursted out of my mouth and not a second later he said I love you too, _____(my name)_____ That felt so nice. he release me and said get some rest. I asked where are you going and he said he still has stuff to do. I wanted to ask but I was still beat. So I laid down. I tried to sleep but didn't. I woke up and caught him before he left, I wanted to come with him I could have. But I didn't want to be annoying. I asked and was told to stay. so I did. I asked my sister, Veronica, what happened. She said he didn't want comfort. He was fine. or acted like it. I found that hard to believe given the scenario I just had. The past few days were dedicated to his father, with only my cousin as his direct family for two straight days. It was tough, and all I could do was comfort him in the only way I know how hugs. Say anything could hurt and having someone there implying no matter what I m here was better than all the questions all the frustrations we shared. I felt powerless though. I didn't know if he could feel it. I didn't know what else I could do. The only thing that assured me was at a mass for his father. Everyone was give blessing and 'peace' to one another and well, he kisses me on the forehead. First time ever. I know I should think of it in anyway. But I did. It's still fresh in my mind. Sigh. Then days later he's gf, which everyone says looks exactly like me but doesn't just maybe a little similar, comes and comforts him. She's there when he cries, she's there for him in ways I can't. I got so jealous. A flareup of my disease happens and during the most emotional part of everything I'm numbed by my pain distracted. Even though I feel this way I do my best and even smile at her try to make friend. There's no reason I should be jealous and I should be happy cause she can make him happy, but the words from him ring a hope in my head. When they were joking around with family jokes of my cousin and his gf being together before, my cousin kept denying that it was serious. That was a very small hope, but I held on to it.

****End of story****

Okay, what do I want advice on? It's simple really. Should I tell him or not? How? Would the time be horrible?

I like him ALOT. I didn't notice til I actually felt the horror of jealous in the pit of my stomach. I am not a jealous person, but gosh, if that wasn't jealousy, I don't know what was. I knew it for a long time, but I never really believed until that happened. I even might have flirted with my other cousins to get my mind off of it. I know I'm into physical relationship and aggressive guys, but I don't think I can ignore my crush on him at the pace this is going. And if I'm going to tell him, it should be fair to him. I just want to know if the notion in my head is really all that silly. Is there really nothing there? Just me and my 'wild' imagination. Since I am moving soon, I sort of liked to get this off my chest before I leave, but we both are in a 'relationship'. It wouldn't be smart....

So I shouldn't tell him.... should I?

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kat, you don't say how old you are. you also don't say what kind of chronic disease you are battling, which may or may not be of any significance. nor do you say whether one or both of you live in the philippines now.

but really, i'm getting the impression that you are still probably in your teens, or barely out of them. neither of you is married. girlfriends (and boyfriends) come and go. if the two of you live in the philippines, that will complicate things a lot... and your disease, if it is a genetic thing that happens to be an autosomal recessive condition, might complicate things further. but..... complications or not, he should have the option of whether he wants to face those challenges.

i'm inclined to say TELL HIM. let him know exactly how you feel. you will never know if he returns those feelings for you unless you tell him! and you'll never know whether he thinks pursuing a relationship is worth whatever risks there may be. but since he is not married, you should definitely find out. if he WERE married, my advice would be very, very different. but chances are, his current girlfriend will not end up being his life partner anyway.

take a chance.

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