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Cousin may like me but can't express it

Guest matchstick

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Guest matchstick

Hello everyone :)

Little Background Story:

When we were kids, we often visited our 2nd Cousins. We've seen each other at least 4 times a month and did the regular kids stuff.

The past few years I noticed, that she has developed to a very attractive young woman and I just can't deny that I have the hots for her and finding her very attractive in a sexual way.

Before I moved about 200km away from home in October last year, I still visited my Aunt's house occasionally. Mainly to pick up my male cousin or to hang out with him.

While I was there I also hung out with my female cousin in her room and we took photos or had very intimate conversations about her problems with the family, with boys, with school etc. and I always tried to lend hear an ear and give her advice. We also wrote (and still write) a lot with each other via facebook or phone.

When we write with each other, she always sends me kisses and defers to my allusions. For instance: When I call her "Babe", "cutie" you name it, she always respons in a similar way. We had a longer conversation going on recently where I asked her whether she would come outside if I'd drive the whole way back home to pick her up in that particular moment (and it was like 2 a.m). She just said that she would come immediately!

That's just one example of a lot more.

Our families have a cottage in the same village near the beach and I decided to go there on vacation last year because it was the cheapest option. She and her family go there every year, so we were together for 2 weeks. We went to a club there, had lots of fun and got a bit drunk after a while. I also danced with her a lot but not how someone should dance with his cousin. I touched her thighs and hips and hold her like crazy. It was absolutely amazing and weird at the same time because her brother and our friends always had a good view on us.

The craziest part of that night was when she suddenly turned to me, looked me straight in the face and tear my shirt apart. She touched my bare upper body and she clearly enjoyed that.

I was just confused and wished, that the other ones weren't with us or that we just could get away from there, however my male cousin grabed her and stopped everything. He blamed and rebuked her and insisted to pay for my shirt.

The day after that I went to their place and she apologized for everything and said that she didn't knew what she was doing. I said that she should stop worrying and that it is ok.

I will be home for a few days next week and I absolutely want to see her. Hardly a day goes by without spending a thought on her, she makes me crazy but I just can't tell her how I feel about her.

Our families would never ever accept that kind of relationship and I don't even know if she even has similar thoughts. Maybe she'll be all grossed out and think I am a pervert.

I have no idea how to approach this or if I should do something at all.

It would be absolutely great if someone has some kind of advice for me.

Sorry for the long post by the way but I felt like I should express my situation a little more detailed.

I someone cares for the ages: I turned 22 recently and she's 18

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I am going to give you guys a little update.

After I wrote the post here yesterday I took the decision to tell her how I feel about her...However, to make the decision and actually having the guts to do so are unfortunately not the same... And I am still

unsure about whether this is a good idea or not...

So I texted her, made some jokes and had a regular conversation till I called her. We had some small talk and I asked her if she'll be at my former (and now her) school on thursday next week.

Some friends and former classmates will write their last final exams next week and the graduates from last year decided to receive them with some crates of beer and music on the schoolyard.

Unfortunately she can't celebrate with us because she'll having classes in the afternoon, but she'll come by in her lunch break.

I asked her, if she had plans for Friday evening and if she would like to go for a drink. Well, she agreed, we talked a bit more and hung up.

Half an hour later we texted again, she wanted to know if the pizza delivery man came and what I was doing. "My Couch, Pizza and a movie but unfortunately alone" was my answer.

She sent a sad smiley and said, that I should pick up a hot girl from university or my dormitory. I said, that the girls here are career and study-obsessed smugs during the week and whore around at the

weekends. That's not for me I said.

And that there wasn't even one girl who showed serious interest in me so far.

I also was like: "Well, maybe there's already someone out there I like"

She instantly said that I totally should talk to her and wanted to know her name, how old she is and where she comes from.

I answered, that unfortunately the situation is a little bit complicated  and that we can talk about that next week.

I said: "I just can tell you, that I like her very much and that she is very important for me" and that she has to wait for the rest until next week.

She was surprised that I apparently know her THAT well already!

We wished each other a good night then and yeah...that was it for today.


Again, sorry for the detailed and long post but I don't know how to describe my situation in a short way...

It looks like that I will tell her about my feelings next week on Friday and I am scared as as shit to do so. The worst thing that could happen is, that she won't understand me, be grossed out and assume that

I am some kind of pervert weirdo. Next thing is, that she could tell it her family (My Aunt, uncle and her brother) and this would automatically mean that my mother and sister will know about this like 10 seconds later.

I know that I bother way too much about that but I just can't help it... My confession could possibly put a crack in my family environment andI could loose her completely.

But I also want to finally throw that huge load of emotions away I am carrying around for almost 4 years now...

If you have any question that could help you giving me advide, feel free to ask.

Thank you very much.

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I wish you good luck on your decision. It's a difficult situation since you'll never really know what the outcome will be. Hope everything goes well. Based on what I read you might have a chance with her but I guess you won't know unless you talk to her.

Best wishes

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IMO u should ask her if she likes someone and then if not then u have a very very good chance. I think u should start off by asking her if she likes someone. If u go and just tell her that u like her and then she tells u that she likes someone else, it will hurt a lot

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  • Moderator

Instead of just telling her and not knowing how she will respond and all the family drama to ensue, that you assume will happen,

why don't you use the "you possess the qualities I would look for in some one to date, marry etc. IF we weren' cousins,

would you go out with me...." or whatever fits the situation at the time. If she should not be interested or feel grossed out, you can

always get by with reminding her you did say IF!! Then leave the subject alone. You have planted a seed in her mind. Who knows

she may decide you are worth it and either right away or eventually want to pursue the situation. If she is totally against it you will

know that too and your mind can at least rest as to whether she is open to a cousin relationship or not and if all goes well you have

not damaged any friendship.

Best wishes as you go on your journey.

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Thank you...

Romalee, that would be also a possibility and I'll consider doing it that way...but that'll be complicated since I told her I am going to tell her who that girl I like is. She will

pick my brains! Won't she smell a rat?

What if she'll say  that she wouldn't date me even if I weren't her cousin?

I'll have no option but lie and invent a girl that's important to me and that I like very much. I'm really kind of in a bad fix now..

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You can still use those lines and be able to tell her that she is the one you like.

Be creative when you do tell her.

So what if she says she wouldn't date you even if you weren't your cousin.

Everyone runs that gamble. What if she wasn't your cousin, you told her you liked

her and she didn't like you back or want to date you?  Cousins are people too, just because

we might be attracted to one or like one, no matter how much, doesn't guarantee that they

would want to date us. See the correlation?

You do have an option, DON'T lie to her!!!  That is a sure way to alienate her.

You don't have to invent anyone. She will see through that one. What do you do if you

follow through with the "little white lie" and then she starts pressuring you to meet her or

want her name or  or  or-------. Then there will be more lies to cover the past one.

If she finds out you lied to her about "another person", she may not be sure of what she

can trust what you say in the future.

I just don't see that you are in as bad a fix as you think you are.

Think it through and above all, don't lie to her.  The truth is the best way.

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  • 1 month later...

I did it... and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it.

I couldn't do it back in March, I tried but it just didn't got out of me..

22 April. I was home again for a couple days, celebrated easter with my family and hung out with friends.

The evening before I had to leave again I was at my cousins house. We talked a little but most of the time I was busy with my male cousin.

I went to her room to say goodbye and asked her if she had plans for the next day.

She told me, that she will be out with a friend till 6 o clock .

I thought, that I have to take this opportunity so I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me afterwards. I had to catch the train at 8 o clock so I had 2 hours to tell her how I feel.

So, I met her the next day, we strolled a little, talked and sat down on a bench at the park afterwards.

I thought that I was going to die when I tried to confess my feelings for her.

"Listen, I have something to tell you that I carry around with myself for more than 3 years now, but I couldn't because I was scared as hell and I didn't know how you would react.. If you'd cry or laugh... And still, I'm very frightened of this"

When I said this, she said that I scare her and if everything is ok..

"Alright...I think...I might have fallen in love with you, and before you say something I just want to let you know that no matter what your is going to be, I don't want to loose our current relationship because I enjoy

it very much and I don't want to loose an important person"

She asked "how do you mean that?" and I said to her that she became a very important person and that I enjoy beeing with her very much and so on...

I can't really remember everything because I was nervous as hell...

She said thinks like "You just surmise this", "You love me like a cousin, not more", "It's impossible", "How did this happen?", "That's like coming on to my brother", "How would our parents react if they'd find out".....

I tried to clarify the situation and said: " I don't surmise it xy, how can I fancy these feeling for such a long time? Of course I love you like a cousin but I also see you as a girl I've fallen in love with."

And then I mentioned that cousin relationships were around forever, that it is not impossible, etc.

She also asked me if she somehow raised my hopes...

After another couple minutes of moral outrage it was time to go... I walked her to the station and said to her "Everythings cool between us right?"...She said "yeah sure".

We said goodbye and she wanted me to let her know when I arrived.

So yeah... A train ride with a head full of chaos..

When I arrived home I wrote her message, I told her about that old albanian guy I met at the station and that he recounted his whole life story and that it was pretty funny...

After that I asked if everything is ok, she said yes and asked me the same.

I just said "everything is finde, I just feel a little bit confused".

And then this came back:

"Please....stop. I don't know what to do or what to say.. I'm totally down and I can't think clearly anymore. The whole thing just whacked me and god, you're my cousin! You'll always be that and nothing more... I don't know how one can feel something like that... You are my cousin that I really really like...Go out with other people...just forget it, I don't know how something like that happened.. I'm sorry :(

Please try to understand me and what I am supposed to do and again, you are my cousin....Please think about that...you sort of messed up everything, I don't know what to do..how to deal with this.

That just hit me like a bullet... I didn't really know what to write...

" You should do and think as you think best and not what others consider right or wrong... I didn't meant to mess you up or confuse you, that's the last thing I want to happen :( ... I try to understand you

but please try also to understand me. That whole thing is anything but easy for me and I ask myself for a very long time how I should deal with those feelings. I never thought, that it can be that worse to be on love with somebody... I can't apologize for my feelings but I am sorry for how that made you feel.

Then she wrote:

"Ya xy, I know. I don't care what others think but still, think about how much you can destroy with that...our families and so forth...I could never fall in love with a relative or cousin....ok I can but I don't want to!

In my view, you are my cousin, period and there isn't anything more. :bleep:, I don't know how that could happen... I think it would be better for us to be out of touch for a while and leave this whole situation standing...before things get worse"

At that point I dropped a few tears, hated myself and was just sad...The last lines I wrote were:

"I never want to loose our Friendship and how we behave with each other shall also remain unchanged.. I never wanted this because this is so important for me.. I don't except that you feel the same way I do and it's completely fine... I understand that you'll need some time now.."

And that's it. I don't know what to do now... I really am indignant about this...

Sorry for the long post again and for my school english...

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I know how you must be feeling right now matchstick, getting initially rejected by your cousin love is one of the most painful feelings there is. My cuz rejected me at first saying "but we're related" but to my confusion we became a lot closer after that. I know you feel like all is lost right now, but have faith.

Many reactions to another cousin coming out about their feelings are similar to yours, they get very defensive at first but it's only because they don't want to reveal that they infact have the same feelings back. It's the shock and confusion that causes them to react that way. But give her time. She'll come around, especially when she says "I could never fall in love with a relative or cousin....ok I can but I don't want to!" to me that's a tell-tale sign that she has been struggling with the same feelings as you but the guilt of society's view towards cousin relationship confuses her greatly and she's been trying to suppress those feelings for you.

My best advice? Give her space. Don't pressure her and text/call her. Let her come to you. Also DO NOT act differently next time you see her, I know it's gonna be very hard to act normal but you've gotta try. Don't let it be awkward. Good luck buddy, stay away from the booze if you can, that was my crutch and it's caused WAY more problems than it's solved.

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  • 9 months later...

Alright, it is been nearly a year now and the aftermath kills me from the inside.

I didn't heard anything from her for like 1 month back then.

I received a phone call from her brother one evening when I was out with friends.

He insulted me, he yelled at me and told me that he never wants to see me again and that I should not even come to his funeral.

He asked me how I dared to come to his house and "lay with her in her bed with a view to sleep with her".

That I stabbed him in the back and a whole lot more I can't even remember anymore.

Then my uncle took the phone and also yelled at me.

For me, the whole situation was completely risiculous and also their reaction. I haven't had heard aynthing from my cousin for a month and then I get this random phone call.

I couldn't even justify myself, they didn't even wanted to listen to me.

I told them to calm down and that I don't understand their anger and that I love them both. I offered him to meet me the next day but I had no chance.

They told me, that they never want to see me again.

To be honest with you, I am really disappointed by them. I am also disappointed by my cousin because I told her something very personal... I don't even know what she told them, don't have the slightest idea.

I just wished that she would have called me to talk about this instead of dropping the bomb to her family.

End of story is, that they removed me from facebook and severed all contact with me, my mum, my grandparents and other aunts and uncles (people who don't have anything to do with all this).

My problem is, that hardly a day goes by without me thinking about her. I still have feelings for her and that drives me completely crazy. I'd give my right arm to talk to her just once and try to get an explanation for all that stubborn, close-minded and immature behaviour.

I really don't know what to do...it just hurts.

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Don't waste your time. This is a lot of why I say wait until the younger party is at least 20 years old. ( I personally recommend 22ish)

Think of it. Second cousins are legal everywhere. Not only is she immature in her reaction and blabbing, THEY are immature in blowing off at the piehole without finding out the facts. Do you really want to deal with them if they can throw away their love of you over this ridiculous stigma, that realistically shouldn't even be any issue with second cousins? Consider yourself lucky that you didn't get in any deeper than you did.

Go your own way, and live well. Be the best man you can. Be a much better man than them. Be a much better man than she will ever find. Give yourself the satisfaction. Believe me, you'll be glad you did.

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