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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Sassy Chick

Re: I had an affair with my cousin

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Hi.. I'm in my 30s and been married for 12 years with 2 kids.. About 5 years ago I met my cousin and we've both been madly in love with eachother since then.. Everything about us is perfect. We want to do everything together and everything together is SO PERFECT! Initially I resisted what I was feeling for him and asked him to move on.. He started dating some girl about a year and a half ago.. During this time he's come to visit me twice and I realized I can no longer fight what I feel for him and told him so.. I know he's loved me since day one.. He's now broken up with his gf.. Now we're both certain that we cannot be away from eachother anymore.. Our families will not accept us.. I love my children to bits but I also love my cousin just as much.. My husband is an excellent father to our children and I've considered leaving them behind and running away with my cousin so we can be together for the rest of our life.. I don't know what to do..

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Hello, Sassy Chick, and welcome to the site.

Ordinarily, I am the first to encourage any adult cousin couple in their relationship... however, I do so with a keen eye toward marriage in any relationship.  Since you are already married, I can only say that what you are going through is a world of confusion that can only lead to selfish destruction.

My best advice, and it's not advice you are going to want to hear, is to immediately and completely break off all contact with your cousin.  Tell him that it's over and can't continue because you need to focus on your marriage and your family (immediate family - husband and kids).  You've made a commitment and I am going to hope that you love your husband and children enough to do what is right.

I highly recommend you get the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley.  Also consider his other book, "Love Busters".  These may help give you some perspective that you can use to get back on the right track.  Also consider "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll (note that Mark is a pastor and his writing reflects this).

Depending on your husband's perspective and willingness to extend grace, it may or may not be too late to save your marriage but I highly recommend you try with everything you have.

Best wishes,

CM

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you'd better start loving your children MORE than your cousin, not as much as.

sorry, we're very pro-marriage here, and anti-adultery. you won't find a whole lot of pats on the back encouraging you to cheat on your family. and yes, i said that correctly... because you would not just be cheating on your husband. you'd be cheating on the entire family, and THEY will pay the price for your selfishness.

tell your cousin that you can't see, text, email, or talk to him anymore.

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We almost have the same story. Please read my story. Mine is almost 37 years in waiting. She's still struggling with her marriage now. I could have left when my kids were younger but I didn't. My youngest is now 19. You have to weigh in all the consequences of your decision. Love can wait. In the end, it is your life. You have to decide for yourself. The question is, do you want to be selfish now or later?

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In the end, it is your life. You have to decide for yourself. The question is, do you want to be selfish now or later?

That's probably one of the saddest things I've heard all day, pepe.  If that's really how you feel about love and relationships, I sincerely hope that your cousin continues to struggle (and struggles successfully) with her marriage because you don't deserve her or any other woman until you learn to be selfless with love as an action, not selfish with love as an object.

CM

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CM, I'm asking her if she wants to be selfish now or later. That's for her to decide and I'm not going to judge her. That's between her and God if she's a believer. I would recommend that she stays for her kids sake. Women are different than men. Their emotional needs are different than men. We can give all the advice to people, but in the end, they have to decide for themselves and think hard of all the consequences before making the decision. I decided not to be selfish that's why I stayed with my family but that might change in the future. And I'll take responsibility for my decision and not blame others because they adviced me. Thanks

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Ah wow, what an interesting start to this story.  Sounds like you need to do more research before deciding.  And ask yourself some questions.  I have never been in a situation like yours before but I know what it's like to love someone like that and was still married.

Some questions I would ask myself are...

Who am I hurting if I decide to leave my family?  My children, parents, husband?

What kind of examples would I be setting for my children?

What would the future bring if I were to leave my family?

Would I regret this decision in the future?

When your love with your new partner begins to fade, will you guys get along?

When society begins to weigh in on you, will you guys hold up?

What are your plans? Just run off???

I guess there are two sides to every story.

One side will strongly advise you to stick to your marriage, work it out, salvage it and strengthen it.  Give it your last best effort.  Even if your marriage fails, you will at least not regret your decisions because you did tried your best.  And you didn't just call it quits and ran away from your already solid marriage although not a strong foundation (needs work).  And you really need to try hard, not some half-assed, "well... i tried."  You need to do it correctly, fully separated from your "new" lover so you can focus on your family.  No contacts to your new lover at all, or at least confirmed contract to no contact for at least a year or two.  I think it can take years to fix a marriage though.  It could be you that needs a little fix, not just your spouse.

Now, if you do choose to exit this marriage, it should be pretty calm, and both parties probably understand each other.  It could be a good separation, where both adults agree to child visitations or who gets what.  Separations can be good if done right.

Then there are the other stories where you are abused or unhappy for a long period of time, like years or something.  And you are just wasting your time in that marriage, getting abused mentally physically or just totally unhappy.  Then you would exit that marriage knowing that it was unhealthy or cannot be salvaged no matter how hard you try.  Once you exit such a marriage, its like freedom from chains.

Separation from marriages prematurely can lead to disasters like others said, where everyone around you is hurt.  Don't ever let that happen.  Don't drag out a love affair, everyone can be hurt.  Learn from other's mistakes.  And everyone makes mistakes, you don't have to if you learn from them.  Be responsible and be calm, don't let the love storm take you away and leave you stranded.

Good luck.

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midwest, you've got wisdom in spades. good questions for someone to ask themselves, too. i might have to borrow those. unless you want to join the site, then you can offer those points to others and i won't have to :)

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Midwest, I concur. I want her to weigh in the consequences of her decision before she decides. Your advice is very good. Not judgemental. People will listen to you because you're at least trying to understand the situation, trying to get some more info and hoping to correspond to you more. I don't think she's still on this site since I have not seen any reply from her. I hope she comes back and read what you posted. Thanks for your wisdom.

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MIDWEST... I think your advise is very good, very wise questions for one to ask ourselves.

PEPE... I think that after considering all the questions that Midwest recommended it still all comes down to your advise: "Should we be selfish now or later". In my case I stayed in my marriage for my kids sake, but my kids have all grown up now and I'm still thinking about others before myself because thins between me and my cousin are platonic, you could say we are barely starting to have an emotional affair.

SASSY CHICK... I think you should really think about what your would do to your kids. They will only be little once, for a  few years and then you'll feel more free to make major life changing decisions like running away with your cousin. Think real long and hard before you do anything. Regret is a terrible thing to live with. Good luck.

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I have known my cousin since 2008 , him an i were best friends we shared everythng and we did everything together . All that changed in 2013. We were :bleeped: up and we had sex. it was the best. Afrte then we kept on doing it and we fell in love. We have a child together and everything. We have our own place and currently deciding to get married. Alot of ppl wont accept us and our family will turn their backs for good. What do i do ? We are in love but people make us seem so bad.

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Lady-Best,

Your family will better respect you if you get married.  They might not approve of it, or even give you their blessing, but they will know how truly in love you are.  Having a child together is a gift.  I and my husband waited until we were in our 40's to finally get married, only because of the upturned noses of our family.  If we could only have had a child together, our life would have been different.

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I have known my cousin since 2008 , him an i were best friends we shared everythng and we did everything together . All that changed in 2013. We were :bleeped: up and we had sex. it was the best. Afrte then we kept on doing it and we fell in love. We have a child together and everything. We have our own place and currently deciding to get married. Alot of ppl wont accept us and our family will turn their backs for good. What do i do ? We are in love but people make us seem so bad.

don't use the f bomb on this site please. the past tense version of it managed to slip past the sensor and i had to manually bleep it out. keep your language rated G.

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