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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Jho

Did he ever love me?

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13 posts in this topic

Hello,

I am completely new to this, and am in desperate need of advice.

It all started for me when i was 16 with my first cousin, we took eachothers virginitys and i have loved him ever since. Over the years (i am 23 now) we would hook up all the time and have sex and text and skype eachother, trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

We both tried to fight our love and both got into new relationships, i got married and he seemed happy with his girlfriend. I then had my daughter. I constantly thought about him but managed to fight any feelings with the overwhelming love i had for my daughter.

Then at her first birthday we saw eachother again. Feelings came rushing back to me as soon as i saw him and i plucked up the courage to tell him that i was in love with him! Luckily for me he replied saying that he felt the same!

Over the next few months our relationship became very serious, he told me he wanted us to be together and that he would leave his girlfriend of 6 years if i left my husband and that he wanted me and my daughter to live with him. He would say things like we were soul mates and he wanted me to have his children and he would take me to places where he was thinking about popping the question at.

There were flaws in our relationship as he got very very jealous and sometimes nasty towards me. He refused to accept that my marriage was over and kept accusing me of thinking about getting back with my husband.

However the big problem was our family, we knew they would be devestated and never accept it. When they found out the were horrible and said that we were to cut all contact and we could never see eachother again. I was heartbroken. He continued to text me and continued to promise me this amazing life behind our familys back.

After three weeks my cousin decided that he could not continue with our relationship because of the stress of having the family disown us if we got together and he said that he wanted to make another go of things with his girlfriend.

Heartbroken is the only word i can use.

Since we broke up our family found out that we were still in contact and sleeping together and having a relationship. His sisters sat me down and told me a few home truths. That he said to them he loved his girlfriend and he always did and that she was an angel sent from heaven for him, also the houses he sent to me that he wanted to move to with me and my daughter had been sent to him from his girlfriend that she wanted to buy with him. He had been saying to her that he wanted kids with her. He had also been texting and meeting up with other girls for sex and telling them he loved them. He had also said he would take on there kids (just as he had said to me)

I have lost everything for him, my marriage is unrepairable, my family do not trust me at all because i went behind there backs and got back with him twice.

I feel so confused as he is not the person i thought he was. He has played me like a mug. He is now planning to buy a house with his girlfriend that he has been cheating on not just with me but with atleast 10 other girls. My family have disowned him for the way he has treated me. But i cannot escape the fact i love him. I want this life he promised me and i cant get over the horrible feeling of loss.

I am confused as to whether he ever loved me?! Was it all lies?! But why would he choose to do that with his cousin?! Is he just a horrible sick minded man that has no respect for woman?! I would also like to add that he has blocked me from everything therefore i have no way of contacting him and he has said that we can never talk again, at the moment i am living for the day he changes his mind. He has tried this before and always gotten back in contact with me. Therefore im confident he will unblock me someday.

Please if anyone can offer any advice i will be grateful

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Hey Jho,

I'm sorry your relationship with your cousin isn't working out right now, but there were a few things that caught my eye in your story. It seems to me that your cousin DOES love you but has been overcome by pressures from the family, in his attempt to "move on" he's trying to work things out with his ex-girlfriend thinking that will help him get over what you guys had for each other. Me and my cuz are on the outs right now for, more or less, lack of communication. She's the type of girl that runs from her problems instead of talking them through. I've had relationships with several women since we've be on the outs but none of them seem to work out, in my mind I know no woman will ever compare to my cuz.

How is your relationship with his sisters? Do you think they would intentionally lie to you about your cousin to discourage any further relations with him?

You'll hear it from everyone on this board about how you need to stop it immediately because you are currently married. It seems a little to late for that now though. I imagine the fact that you're married is another reason to make your cousin as fickle as he has been about whether to be with you or not. IMO, either try to repair your marriage (probably not an option at this point, you'll never love your husband like you do your cousin)  or file for divorce. Perhaps once your own relationship problems are dealt with you and your cousin can once again begin to rebuilt what you had. Explain to him and the family that it isn't "wrong", bring him to this website, show him the facts etc.

You said he's cut all forms of contact with you...could you write a letter? Or meet him in person? I can assure you he still loves you but the pressure is just too much for him at this point. Perhaps give him time to sort this out, he'll most likely come around.

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May I recommend a book to both of you:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  It is about people trying to control you and may be very helpful in your relationships - not only with cousins but with people in general.

Good luck,

Nat

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To put things into perspective (and this won't be easy to take), you don't love him - you love the idea of what you wish he were.  Unfortunately, the man you wish he would be and the man he actually is are so different.  The uneasy reality is that he will never be the man you wish he were and you will never be happy if you have to be with the man he is.  I use the term "man" loosely, by the way.  Take this in:  for pure carnal pleasure, he willingly destroyed the family life of his own first cousin, giving her false hope, and hurting her very badly... all for his own pleasure.  He'll lie, cheat, steal, and do whatever it takes to get you back in for a moment of pleasure... as long as he doesn't have to suffer any consequences for it.

Only you and your ex-husband know for sure whether there's any hope of recovering your marriage and family.  I'll pray that there is for the sake of you, your ex-husband, and daughter.

We are human.  We make mistakes.  Some mistakes appear on their surface unforgivable.  They only appear that way.  It is possible to overcome the worst adversity if you are both willing.  It is possible to fall back in love with your husband and vice versa.

Best wishes,

CM

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Welcome Jho to CC. Sorry to hear that your relationship with cuz is not working for now.

First of all, it's his lost not yours. Second, please forgive him for your own sake and thank God that you had the opportunity to experience loving your cuz. You're the only one who can judge him whether he loves you or not.

I would say that it's better not to get into a relationship with other men because it won't be fair unless you can really say to yourself that you're done with your cuz. Give your cuz sometime to grow up and he'll realize that he just lost the love of his life. It might take sometime for him to grow up so be prepared to wait a long time.

I also agree with Bachelor that the family pressure is too much. Anyway, think positive. You can't change what happened in the past. There's more to this life than loving your cuz. You still have your daughter. Focus on her and love her more. Also, try to make sure that she get's to spend time with her father. She needs both parents even though your divorce now.

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Pepe, I'm beginning to wonder about your true motivations.  You've basically encouraged a person to continue to pursue a destructive course of action for the sole purpose of having a cousin-cousin relationship.  I know this site is "CousinCouples.com" but just having sex with your cousin (or encouraging unhealthy, destructive relationships with your cousin) for the sole sake of having cousin relationships is NOT the purpose of this site.

1)  We NEVER encourage marital unfaithfulness, even if it is with a cousin.  Being cousins doesn't make it right.  If you read this story, you already know that marital unfaithfulness, even when the two do *feel* "in love", is extremely destructive on everyone involved, including children.

2)  We NEVER encourage unhealthy relationships for the sole sake of connecting two cousins (or for any other reason).  It's abundantly clear that her cousin is a child in a man's body and refuses to grow up or put any other person's needs ahead of his own desires.  The LAST thing we will do here is encourage that kind of situation for any other person.  Look where it leads!  Nothing but pain, suffering, heartache, and destruction!

I think you need to take a good, hard look at your world view.  You talk a lot about God.  Pick up a Bible and actually read the thing... just once... please???

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AMEN CM!!!!!!!

Pepe does seem to have a very distorted picture of the world and how

relationships should work.

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CM-I took your advice to read the bible.

"He who exalts himself shall be humbled and he who humble

himself shall be exalted " Jesus

"He who has not sinned, cast the first stone" Jesus John 8:7

Thanks again CM

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Perharps i can offer some advice from my experience...

I used to be like your boyfriend about 8yrs ago, madly in love with my cousin but struggled to accept it and face up to the world. This lead me to seek comfort from other girls, etc

i felt i had to try to be normal, my so christian family and African culture totally forbids cousin love. I just couldnt let my family down.

It takes maturity to be able to say my happiness comes first, rather putting others/family ahead.

For me i never stopped loving my cousin, it was just hard to accept cousin love. I can honestly say the pressure my family put on me to stop the relationship was prob the worst time of my life. To this day  inside i resent my mum + sisters for getting between my happiness. If they loved me, they should have been happy to see me happy...

Now that older mid 30s, i am more mature to be able to handle a cousin relationship, so perharps he needs time. For me its just been one full circle back to loving my soulmate...

Although we are not together right, inside i truly believe and have faith we shall.

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pepe, read the WHOLE thing.  John 8:7 is not a license for unrepentant adultery.  People who cherry-pick to suit their purposes are the most dangerous individuals on the planet because they use specific passages for power and destruction.

But since you said you've read it, I'm still looking for the justification, either by direct word or by example, where adultery is condoned ahead of the act (not forgiven after the fact - condoned for future acts).

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It sounds like you found our what kind of man your cousin really is fairly quickly. I was married for two decades and woke up one day and realized that I didn't know who I had married. Often we see who we want to see in someone else as opposed to who they are (as CM was saying). Sometimes people change so slowly that we don't realize it until it is too late.

Now you can and should put the whole cousin ordeal behind you; it has caused you nothing but heartache. Unfortunately life isn't a rehearsal. We can't go back and redo anything. At some point you can damage a marriage to the point where the pieces can't go back together. Only you and your husband can make that determination. If you look at couples who have been together for 40-50 + years, it's not because they had an easy marriage. It is because the couple was willing to fight for their marriage and put things behind them.

It's not going to be easy no matter how it works out. But promise me one thing, that you will leave that skank of a cousin alone. Do yourself that one favor.  My best advice here, if possible, is for you to try and work it out with your husband. Some of the best marriages are the ones that have been through something. You alone left. You should try to fix it. If that doesn't work, then maybe you need some ME time as opposed to rushing into another relationship straightway.

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