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Johnny_Trac

Need Help with Advice.

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6 posts in this topic

Guys, I have got myself into a very bad place right now, I need your help. First of all, I don?t even know if she has feelings for me or she is just fooling around or she is just not ready to admit that she loves me. But here is the story.  I know cousin loves cousin is not a usual thing, but I just can?t help it. I have never met her ever in my life until 5 years ago when I moved to US. At first, we didn?t talk much cause I didn?t know much English. 1-2 years later,  we started to become very close.  One day, I was hugging her and her dad saw us. The next day, she told me that her dad wouldn?t let her hang out with me anymore. Her dad is a very strict person, so it was kinda difficult for her. At the time,  I wasn?t sure about the feelings that I had for her until this very one day, she told me that she has a boyfriend. I got super mad for no reasons and took this in a wrong one way.  I acted like an asshole when asked me just to be friend with her. After she told me that, my heart shattered and I said to myself:  whatever feelings I have for her is just a young love thing, eventually it will go away. So from that point, I decided to forget about her. We still see each other regularly, but we just didn?t talk and  just avoided each other completely. Two years later, on new year 2014, I slipped myself and started to talk to her again. I asked her if I can hug her and she said yes. I don?t know at the same she has a boyfriend or not, but she let me hug her and we cuddled for an hour. Since then, We have been texting in a very flirty way. She says she loves me sometimes through text messages, and even allowed  me to call her ?Bae?.  On my mind,  at this point is too far to be in cousin?s boundary. Then up until valentine?s day, everything screw up. I went over to her house and I noticed there was something unusual. She didn?t seem too happy to see me and kind of tried to avoid me. I asked her ?what?s wrong?  and she told me everything is fine. I?m a very jealous person and have trust issues  and I hate myself for that. After leaving her house for work, I texted her to assure everything is fine and then asking her what kind of feelings she has for me. She texted back and said something means that  she loves me just as  a cousin, nothing else or less. This is the second time she did this and I was so depressed after that.  I had to drop a class and reduced work hours for  a while.  Up till now, she sometimes ignores my text or just answer in a very simple way just to get the convo over with.  I honestly I don?t what to do. Have I done something wrong?  Or I?m just a one-sided love? I love her to death and I don?t want to lose her. 

And if there is something you want me to clarify,  just leave a question I?ll respond as soon as I can.

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Welcome to the site, Johnny_Trac!

I wish I had the news you want to hear but it just doesn't sound very good for you right now.  She's just not that into you and probably senses your jealousy.  Honestly, girls don't really like that and only try to excuse it when they're already in a relationship with you and feel like they can either deal with it or somehow change you (which they can't).

Right now, you need to work on your own issues.  Having the "trust issues" you mention will be a problem in any relationship.  Recognizing that you have it is a good thing but it's only half of the battle.  You need to learn to overcome it so you can be the kind of man a woman like your cousin deserves.  You can do it... believe you can and make it so.

As for your cousin, give it time.  Work on becoming the kind of man you would want her to have :)

Hope that helps at least a little.

Best wishes,

CM

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I'm not sure I get what you're saying here. So, through  all what had happened, it's just normal a cousin and cousin thing? And what do you mean by "girls don't really like that and only try to excuse it when they're already in a relationship with you and feel like they can either deal with it or somehow change you (which they can't)"?

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I too agree with CM that she just isn't into you.

Sounds like she views you as just a cousin and not a romantic interest.

So I would say it's just a one sided love and the love is on your side not hers.

Jealousy is not attractive at all. It will chase someone away in a heartbeat.

As CM also told you, work on yourself, better yourself, overcome the negative traits

and become the kind of man you want to see her with. There are no guarantees that

she will ever see you as a love interest but you can be assured that there will be

someone in your future that will appreciate and love the man you will/have become.

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What Romalee just said - that's what I was trying to say.  "Jealousy is not attractive at all."  It really isn't.  It may seem "cute" for a minute, as in, "Aw, he must really care about me," but it quickly becomes creepy and even scary.  If it's hidden and then rears its ugly head after you're already deep into a relationship, that's when some folks will try to excuse it or hope they can change it because they can also feel trapped (which leads to greater fear).  Unchecked, it quickly becomes an abusive trait - maybe not always physical but certainly mental and emotional abuse.  It's something you have to learn to get past or you'll have immature relationships that don't develop in healthy ways.

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