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I just wanted to tell someone, because keeping it a secret sucks

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Guest Cassie

I'm 17 and my second cousin Is 19, we met a year ago and didn't know of each other before then. we became friends pretty much straight away and before we knew it we were spending every spare moment with each other. We were very open with each other quite early in our friendship and trusted each other with personal secrets. We both began to realise about six months down the track that maybe there was more to our relationship. I new that I didn't just love him, I was in love with him. I was scared however to tell him because when we first met cousin relationships had somehow worked its way into our conversation and his initial thoughts on it were not so positive and I had decided I'd rather live my life with him as my best friend than make a move and freak him out and potentially lose him. For the last two three months we've been hinting to each other, saying thinks like I always want to be with you, and I hate being without you, and wanting to be more. He was loosing sleep over it and I was trying to accept that I'd probably never be with him. But our feelings for each other were overwhelming and we were both struggling to contain them. He couldn't decide if it was morally wrong and I couldn't be sure if he had mutual feelings. Every time we were together and we were laying on his bed in his room and we were watching a move just like two best friends would, I wanted to just turn around and kiss him or I hoped he'd kiss me. I later found out he was hoping for the same thing. We were both so scared though, neither of us wanted to ruin the amazing relationship we already had. Loosing our friendship wasn't a risk I was ready to take. But two weeks ago to be exact we spent the day together. We went to the movies hung out and then went back to his house to relax before work. Somehow we ended up laying on his bed with the corners of our lips touching with both our hearts beating fast and the most loud silence imaginable as each of us waited in suspense and anticipation. Were we finally going to kiss? Was the Thought racing through my mind. Because that's all I had wanted and hoped for every time we were together for, at the very least, the last one and a half months. I remember very cautiously inching my lips closer to his and I could feel his lips move against mine as he asked "is this what you want?" His words were almost breathless, "yes or no?"

And I didn't even hesitate of course I said yes.

we finally kissed and it was perfect.

I write this because being a young couple that happen to be second cousins isn't something we can be so open about in our family. We are scared to tell people but have decided to wait till after I'm 18. He's my boyfriend, i love him and it kills us both that we can't tell people because of the taboo views in our society. We both want to tell our best friends and we hate having to hide around my parents and other people. I want to hold his hand when I'm with I'm and kiss him when I get the urge too but I can't unless we are alone.

So I guess I wrote this because I just wanted to tell someone, anyone. I just want someone out there to know that I love him that we are so happy and both of us who have had personal struggle growing up are finally feeling happy. I know that I could love him forever and I can't wait for the day we don't have to hide and our live together can really start.

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  • Administrator

cassie, since you haven't registered, your posts were waiting for approval. i notice you posted it twice. i only approved one, since it appeared to be a duplicate, and it was the one that was posted within someone else's thread, so i have separated it to give you your own thread so people can respond directly to you.

i think it's very wise (and refreshing!) that you two have taken it slowly. too often teenagers wouldn't lay next to each other watching movies 'hoping' for anything, they'd just jump right in without thinking. so kudos to both of you! that's a great start, and i hope you continue to take things slow. there's no rush! sex would confuse the issue, and believe it or not, getting sexual too soon will often make a relationship start suffering a slow death. kinda like the saying "baby birds that jump from a nest too soon, die". if it's really love, it can wait.

i also think you're very wise to want to wait til you turn 18 before telling family and friends, for several reasons...

1) it gives the two of you time to make sure that this relationship is not going to fizzle out too soon. (again, taking things slowly will nurture the relationship rather than suffocate it.)

2) by the time you tell others, you will both be able to stand strong and not cave to criticism. plus, you'll have that much more time to investigate all the issues surrounding consanguineous relationships so that you will know exactly how to respond when criticism comes.

3) by the time you get around to telling, a lot of people will have suspected for so long that by the time you tell, they won't even blink. they'll just be glad you finally trusted them enough to tell them.

being second cousins is really not so big a deal. i know it feels like it now, but there are no legal, medical, or moral obstacles to overcome. just a little social stigma. but even that won't be terribly bad, because you are 2nd, rather than first cousins.

i hope you'll stick around and keep us posted on how things go!

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I completely concur with Lady C on this. You are wise to wait. I notice you mention "before work" in your post. Do both of you work? Are either of you still in school? Please do join, and give us more details without being overly specific as to your location and such.

If you think keeping it a secret for a few months already sucks, you probably won't care for my idea of continuing to keep it on the down low for a while. Personally, I would like to see you somewhere closer to 20, and him closer to 22 or so before you really come completely clean to everyone about your true feelings. If you are not in school, and both working, keep it on the down low, start putting some money back, and when you get to the point, get your own place. (This is if you both still live at home and are dependent on your parents)

Unlike you two, my second cousin and I had known each other for quite a few years before we had our little "moment" as we call it. We were 20, and the taboo was strong, and we were not old enough, even at 20, to overcome it. However, this was over 30 years ago, and there was nowhere near the information out there like there is today. There was no internet, more less site such as this for a support system. I dare say if there were, we would have probably taken things considerably slower, as you are doing, and then when we were ready, went for it, and not let anyone stop us. As it was, it became very intense, very quickly. Looking back, too intense, too quickly. We would not have had any drama from family. They would have been happy for us, knowing we were happy together. It was what friends and society at large would have said about it that had her nervous. And, if she was scared, I wasn't going to push her. I didn't, and we walked away from some very good potential.

Don't be us. Take your time. It sounds like the feelings are mutual, and, being so, it is now time to come up with a plan for the future. I would really hope you both are still getting some education, while you work. Very hard to maintain, I know, but well worth the effort in the long run. The chances for a successful relationship go up proportional to the level of education. Earnings go up proportionally as well. Money can't buy you happiness, but it sure is easier to sleep restfully at night without stressing over the bills. There are other factors as well, such as parents who have remained together, religious beliefs, and so on, but those two things related to level of education are the major ones you have control of, and the chance to influence at this point in your lives. I encourage you to get him here as well, and view the site together. Show him this thread, and our replies. Get on the same page. At times, you may feel the world is against you, but believe me when I tell you, at your ages, it lies at your feet. It is yours to take, and a good plan will make your life what you want it to be. 

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yes, taking it slow a keeping it on the down low is definitely they way we are approaching this relationship. We both know, and although there are a handful people we are dying to tell, now is not quite the right time.

I'm really hoping LadyC, that eventually people around us will begin to suspect after some time and it won't be such a big deal.

I'm currently completeing year twelve and my boyfriend has been out of school for a while, he has a job but its not really long term, it's at a restaurant, I work with him.

You hit the nail on the head Hawk. 20 is the age I'm going to aim for before being completely open about this relationship. I think that by then my family, particularly my parents will view me as more of an adult capable of making my own decisions rather than a love sick teenager. It also gives Jay and I a few more years of getting to know each other and to make sure that this is what we both really want.

My mothers parents happen to be cousins, so you'd think my mum may be a little more understanding. however I still think my mum is going to object to our relationship.

A few months ago I had a fight with my mum, she accused my boyfriend (or at the time, just cousin) of liking me in a more intimate way, she said to me to watch out because the way he acts is like he thinks your his girlfriend. CAt the time of that heated discussion with my mum I was angry, I wanted to defend Jay and I was also a little more defensive because I was confused with my feeling about him at the time. I want to be able to tell my parents on good terms about this, but I'm scared it won't be that way. I'm really hanging onto the hope that by the time I'm 20 and I tell them they'll except it even if at first its with a heavy heart. Jay has little family, he lives in his grandfathers house and has little to do with him, due to personal reasons he doesn't have much to do with his mum, he doesn't have a father and as little to do with the wider family. I find that it's going to be more difficult for me when the time comes to tell people.

Another thing is we both don't know how to respond to people when we are together and someone asked if we are brother or sister or cousins. We don't want to keep telling people we are cousins. And what about the question, have you got a girlfriend/ boyfriend yet? It seems that we both seem to be getting these questions lately :( it's like we are being taunted.

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sa to the question people ask now, why not just say "we're best friends", and leave it at that? it's not a lie, it's probably not even a stretch of the truth. people don't have to know you're cousins, and they don't have to know you're dating. but hopefully the two of you are best of friends... because friendship is a critical foundation for a future.

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sauravsony5u, welcome to the forums! i see you're new here... and i see that you keep sharing your email address in every thread you post on.

please don't.

for one thing, we don't know much about you yet, and we would much rather you discuss things with people here publically. we're not trying to be offensive, we are just protective of those who come seeking advice, because there is so much misinformation on the subject. there are also internet predators. not saying that you won't give good advice or that you are a predator, it's just that we don't know you yet.

for another thing, although spelling out your email addy as you did does make it much safer for you, there are still spam-bots that can harvest even that, because they're programmed to look for dot com spelled out. so it doesn't prevent you from being spammed. it also won't protect YOU from internet predators who do sometimes lurk at our site looking for someone who might provide a means of contact as you just did.

i will be editing your email addy OUT of your posts.

thanks. :)

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