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doglover

cutting a cousin out of your life

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I was wondering if anyone here has ever had to cut a cousin out of their life because they became involved with them and it didn't work out. I recently told my cousin that for now I can't talk to him anymore. We saw each other for a week at the end of last year and were intimate. We live very far away from each other. I developed very strong feelings for him and we have continued to talk on line and by phone in some way almost daily. But things changed after our visit and even though we feel close to one another he says realistically there is no future. I love talking to him but it also hurt hearing this so I told him for now I need to cut off all communication until I can work past my feelings. I don't know if and wether I can get past it but don't want to loose him as a friend for the rest of my life. We are so alike in so many ways and I hate having no contact. It does hurt though as he was the one who initially brought up the idea of being more than cousins and for whatever reason changed his mind. Any advice anyone? Can we eventually be close as friends and cousins again?

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doglover,

Yeah, pretty much.

Me and mine, like you and yours, had a brief "moment" which became very intense, very quickly. Over the course of a couple weeks, we went from favorite cousins to quite a lot more. Unlike you, we lived in the same town at the time, and had lived across the street from each other when we were younger. We were born one week to the day apart, so, growing up we were quite a bit more like siblings than actually second cousins. Not in any way like our friends in India and other areas of Asia are actually considered to be siblings, we just innocently acted that way out of such close proximity.

By the time we were 20, through a series of events, we spent some "quality time" together, and were renewing our close bonds. We had somewhat drifted apart over the previous 4 or 5 years or so, but by then I was back in town, in my own place. We were both pretty much party animals, and, we partied, one thing led to another, and in very short order, we were in a little over our heads. Like your cousin, she got nervous, I didn't want to push her, so we backed off of it. We did not intentionally cut each other out of our lives, we just let the whole affair be very awkward for DECADES. Family would not have been a problem, but she is a very private person, a very good person, and was/is still quite concerned about what people think of her. To a fault in my opinion, but, in the last 3 or 4 years since we've reconnected, I've somewhat got her to be considerably more assertive, at least professionally. I'm very proud of her. I'm tickled that we were able to reconnect, air the past out, and get back to where we were "before." Through all those years, we never stopped being each others favorite cousin, never stopped loving each other, we just let it be awkward. We didn't intentionally avoid each other, but, we were still a little more than subconsciously attracted to each other, (especially early on) and rather than take chances with our subsequent relationships, we limited our contact, and it was always with a group of people, usually family. I fully well believe that had we not waited until we were near 50 before we reconnected, we would have risked a trainwreck the likes of which neither of us have the stomach for. Now, being more mature, our relationship has come full circle, and we couldn't be happier. Well, other than now, with the way our jobs are, we don't see each other as much as we would like perhaps. Funny how we avoided each other when we had the ability to regularly spent time together, and when we decided to, now we can't just visit at the drop of a hat. When she's home, and I'm between jobs, we try to do what we call "our Friday morning coffee thing." Instead of our family gossiping about us, we gossip about them, we go into our genealogy, and occasionally, have our mothers join us. Usually, before she leaves for work each time, we will get together for a few adult beverages.

So, can you eventually be close as friends again? Yes. Very much so, and have an even deeper appreciation for each other. What has happened will be another part of what makes each of you the people you will be.

The better question would be will he someday regret not having had the nerve to go for it. I wish there were some way to get him here, so I could ask him that. Unless you two are under age, which I don't get the impression you are, or are in a State where it is illegal, (I'm lazy, tired, and not inclined to have a peek right now :tongue:) I would tell him he may just want to reconsider. If the attraction is strong, and he is just worried about drama, ("realistically, there is no future") then he should ask himself if he is willing to let other people's opinions control every other aspect of his life too. If he's such a conformist, then maybe the answer is yes, and friends would be all you would ever have a chance at. I just have a feeling he's going to miss a chance that may never happen again. He may come to regret it after it's too late to do anything about it....

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Short answer: yes, but it will never be quite the same.

After several decades of awkwardness at family events, my cousin and I can now talk pretty comfortably.  I've gone to all her kids' weddings, and she's been to all of mine.  Been at each other's parents' funerals.  (And all of these have involved major travel--like half a continent.)  She's been there for me in some tough times, and I've been there for her.  We've had dinner together, sometimes with one or both spouses and sometimes "unchaperoned."  So it can happen.

I still wish I had pressed her more ("back in the day") about her "it would never work."  But that's water over the old dam.  I still miss her terribly, but have learned to accept it as God's will.  (He gave me a wonderful wife, even if it was not the one I wanted.)

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Well now that I have told him I can't talk to him he has chosen to tell me he has met someone he is very fond of and waiting to see how it unfolds. It's sad for me and even sadder that I feel like we just can't talk anymore. I will always wonder why God brought this person into my life just for me to end up feeling so horrible now. I will always wish him the best in his life but I do wish I could have been the person for him to love...He was so perfect to me.

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You say he was so perfect to you?  He started it and then said there was "no future"?  And now he tells you he replaced you with someone else? 

Sounds rather imperfect AND abusive to me! 

I feel your pain but I think you need to recognize his callous attitude towards you.  You can be strong and positive in the face of his tacky behavior.

He obviously does not deserve your love and I predict that he will continue to mess his life up. 

I don't think God brought him into your life:  he jumped in all by himself.  Now you can identify how you are much more worth a true, loving gentleman instead.

HUGS

Nat

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I was wondering if anyone here has ever had to cut a cousin out of their life because they became involved with them and it didn't work out. I recently told my cousin that for now I can't talk to him anymore. We saw each other for a week at the end of last year and were intimate. We live very far away from each other. I developed very strong feelings for him and we have continued to talk on line and by phone in some way almost daily. But things changed after our visit and even though we feel close to one another he says realistically there is no future. I love talking to him but it also hurt hearing this so I told him for now I need to cut off all communication until I can work past my feelings. I don't know if and wether I can get past it but don't want to loose him as a friend for the rest of my life. We are so alike in so many ways and I hate having no contact. It does hurt though as he was the one who initially brought up the idea of being more than cousins and for whatever reason changed his mind. Any advice anyone? Can we eventually be close as friends and cousins again?

May I ask how all of this started? You told us he brought up the idea of being more than cousins. Did you ever before that consider him "dating material"? Were you sexually attracted to him at all during that point? I'm just curious to know how you went from being cousins to something more than that, which later on led you to become intimate.

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He contacted me on Facebook. We had not spoken in several years and had not seen each other for about 20years. we started talking night and day on Facebook, gmail, video calls etc. We started talking about a lot of sad things that had happened in each others lives. I always thought growing up he was very attractive but never in a million years thought of any kind of cousin relationship. After talking for a while he decided he wanted to come and visit me and started bringing up feelings and wanting to see where it might go. We spent a great week together. I confessed I had developed feelings for him and then things started to change. He told me all along we couldn't develop any attachment but said a lot of contradictory things in that regard. As it stands now we have not communicated for two weeks. We agreed it was better for now not to talk. And he says he has met someone he likes. It's funny because I was reluctant at first and thought it was all a bad idea but really became attached to him deeply and he has moved on.  I hope someday our cousin relationship and friendship will mend. He feels fine about everything but I can't get past what we did and am left feeling it was all a bad idea. I would have rather kept him as a good friend than gone through all this and not talk anymore. I guess I was stupid to agree to see where things might go and end up feeling crappy. I miss talking to him but in a way it's better because it's not a daily reminder. We had so much in common and were so alike and I have never met someone I felt like that about. We are both in our late 40's and have both been married and divorced. We live really really far away from each other aswell. Maybe I would feel better if I thought he used me or maybe if I thought it was because we are family and live so far apart but I just wonder why he brought up the whole idea to begin with really.

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doglover,

While none of us can read his mind, I'll give you my theory as a possible explanation. As with luvher4ever and myself, our cousins said pretty much the same thing as yours has. The difference in our cases being, we were quite a bit younger at the time. I have a feeling he may have had feelings for you of some sort back when you were younger, but only recently, with the renewed contact, and a little age on him, finally had the nerve to act upon them. While there are no lack of stories here of cousins who pretty much blatantly used their cousin, I'm not so sure that's exactly what's going on here. I think (given the mixed signals/contradictory statements) he is running from his true feelings. In his head, and "in a perfect world" as he would envision it, there would be no problem with the two of you being a couple, other than the distance. Being in your late 40's, eventually, that could be worked around as well. But after sort of "dipping his toes in the water", he came back to "reality" as he sees it, and became nervous about the stigma that exists. He thinks it is opening a can of worms he doesn't think he can put the lid back on. So, he runs. If he says he's met someone he likes, he's running, trying to get you out of his head, because he doesn't think he would withstand the drama of a relationship with you. Sad for him, actually. Like you two, me and mine are so much alike, at times we don't have to speak to know what the other is thinking. We finish each others' sentences a lot. It's a loss for him to not go for a relationship with someone he fits so well with, because he is scared of a little drama. Drama passes, or is ignored at some point. At his age, he really should be at a point to tell anyone with a problem with you two being a couple, to take a long walk off a short pier. That he isn't at that point very well could be your bigger "red flag" with him.

As luvher4ever mentioned he would have pressed a little harder back in the day, maybe you should too. Don't grovel mind you, but why not push a little just to make sure? Ask him frankly just exactly what it is that makes him so sure there is no future. If it's distance, that can be dealt with. If it's the stigma, send him the link to here. Tell him you want him to at least take a look around here. Send a link to this thread if you want to. Don't worry about him seeing you put your feelings out there. He needs to know, and sometimes it is easier to put to the page than into words. I don't mind him seeing what I think is going on either. I may be totally wrong, but I think I'm pretty close to a nerve....

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Hawk. he looked at this site before we ever met and told me if he really had feelings for me wouldn't be afraid to tell our whole family so I can only assume he doesn't have those feelings. Wish he did because I wouldn't have been afraid to tell them all. But that is life. I guess I have to accept he doesn't. I just am left feeling I didn't meet his expectations even though he says they were more than met.

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I am afraid of that also. One of my other cousins found out about my relationship, and he told me that I can bet I have no family left if me and the other cousin break up.

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I'll tell you that it will be the hardest thing you ever had to do and go through.  :cry:

I confessed my love for my cousin around a 1 & half year ago, she told me he didn't have any feelings for me and that we were "just cousins". It was awkward between us after that, I stopped talking and tried cutting all ties with her, i would get better, but then a family event and i see her & i am back to start.

We tried to be friends but when we are alone its always awkward. It has been a torture, and it will continue to be a hell of a ride for the rest of my life, I don't think i can live without her but i know for sure that i can't live with her.

Even now we still talk once in a while for a few minutes, and my feelings for her has not gone away. when have a dream of her introducing me to her future husband, sometimes i shake the guys hand & sometimes i punch him in the face. it comes & goes and it feels shitty to say the least. I have never ever felt this way for someone and i hate the fact that i cannot let this go.

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Yes it is awful. We haven't really communicated for a month now and I miss him. We used to talk every day. I was the one to decide to cut off contact but it really hurts. But it also hurts to talk to someone everyday that you love and know they don't love you back like that. I hope in time it gets easier and wish now we had never crossed the line so we could have just remained really good friends. I'm not sure I will ever get past it really.

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