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Dawn Louise

Advise Please

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I am in love with my cousin for 3 years now.  He has feeling for me as well but feels it is not natural.  What can I can I say to help him feel differently? We are both 48, children are not a factor. 

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[NOTE: Usage of masculin is only to lighten the text, plus I did not know if he or she was a boy or girl.]

Hi,

Firstly you must know that cousin relationships are not wrong and they should not be taken for wrong. It is seen as so in the great public, however it is a common knowledge that people are afraid of what they cannot understand.

If I were you I'd refer him to this website (Not the forums, the main page where most of the information and facts are. There you could show him that practicly every single thing that people think of why cousin relationships are bad and should not exist are actulay big lies.

Also you are both mature enough to decide on your lifes by yourselfs, if he scared that your family and friends might reject you two because of that, then it might be best to take your time to reasure him that he does not need their aproval.

I know it may be hard or confusing, but theres nothing you can really do about it exept inform him. The more knowledge you guys have, the better you can fight denial or rejection if it ever occurs.

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Dawn Louise,

Though my boy HN is young, I couldn't agree more. I'm a couple years older than you, so I need not tell you the clock is ticking. He really should get on here and find out the facts, and go for something that makes him happy, i.e. you. You two have the potential to begin a most rewarding journey for the rest of your lives if you can get on the same page, and tell the naysayers to take a hike. You don't tell us where you are, so there ARE a few places that, at least for the time being, you could get yourselves in a bind legally. Other than that, some of the states that do not allow first cousins to marry do have a caveat based on age. Here in Illinois, it is 50yrs old. Even in Wisconsin, where you can be charged with incest, after age 65 (IIRC) you can legally marry. As HorrificNight said, get with him, and go to the main page of the site here. Get the facts, and then go forward and do try to be happy for the rest of your lives. He very well may be expecting much more drama than there would actually be too. If you know the facts, at your age, family is really going to be in a tight spot in treating you like naive children. If I were him, I would tell them they don't know the facts, and if they are unwilling to learn them, then he really has nothing more to say to them on the subject, and the conversation is over, and not open to further discussion. Much easier for a 48 year old man to do, than an eighteen year old.

Actually, show him this thread, get him on here and let ME have a go at him. I have a feeling that after a little chat with me, I can ease his mind about all of this. As far as it not being natural, he will find that historically, I think it is close to 80% of all marriages have been between cousins. It is still very common, and preferred in many parts of the world. So, the "not natural" part falls short. It seems to him that it is not natural, because of misinformation on the subject that has become prevalent over the last several generations. That in no way means it is actually in some way unnatural...

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Hawk- I am wondering what your thoughts are in regards to his son.  16 years of age and has grown up in Germany.  I am thinking he would be open to it since the idea is more prevelent in Eurpope and legal for marriage.

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Dawn Louise,

I wouldn't worry about the son having a meltdown over it.

After our chat the other night, I would still focus on your end for now, if I were you. Once you figure out where you are, and where things are going, then I would consider how things would play out on the other side. Depending on your decisions, they may be a moot point.

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Your right Hawk.  I am just trying to figure out what is holding my cousin back.  Its been over a month now since our last communication.  It seems that just when we get close to taking a step towards each other he runs and hides.  So I am left with my feelings and waiting to hear from him again.  I have started counseling so that I can work out my own happiness and see if I can improve my current situation.  Its difficult when you feel like your feelings are so much stronger for someone else.  We will see what the future holds. 

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Well it has been some time since my last post.  As it turns out my cousin from Germany came to the states in August for his brothers wifes funeral.  I also attended and we made plans to see each other and talk.  At that time he said he did not want pursue any thing further with me.  So I came home and worked on letting go and worked on becoming closer to my husband and making things better between us.  Six months later in Feburary my cousin and I spoke and he again expressed his feelings for me.  It has certainly caused confusion and torment for me still having feelings for him and also growing closer to my husband.  My cousin though does not suggest we move forward still hesitating and expressing doubts.  My logical mind tells me to cut off contact.  My heart can not do it.  I guess I am going to ride it out and see what happens.

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Dawn Louise,

Break out the scissors on him, and keep focused on your marriage, M'Dear........

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Since our contact last Feb. we have been connecting on line 3 to 4 times a month.  My cousin just came home for a visit with family bringing his son.  He messaged me for my number and he called me to make arrangements to get together.  We spent Sunday afternoon together.  He states that we are both weird meaning we are cousins who have feelings for each other.  However he certainly enjoyed his time with me.  I am not sure of what lies ahead but feel that I must see it thru to see what comes.  I said that I did not care if we were weird and that I did not think we were and that I did not care what others would think about it.  I think that is a big factor for him and he lives in Germany!  I would think he would have a more liberal view having lived there for 20 years.

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you may not care that you are 'weird' (which you're not), but you darn well better start caring about the fact that you are married. you said he has a son. do you and your husband also have children? is your cousin also married?

it is incredibly selfish to pursue a relationship with your cousin when it is going to devastate so many other lives. your husband deserves better. if you can't love HIM the way he deserves, the way you vowed to do when you married him, then you need to let him know how you feel about your cousin. let your husband decide if he's willing to continue being strung along like this.

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I do not have children and my cousin is not married.  This is not something I have taken lightly and I agonize over the fact that I am married.  I found myself falling in love with my cousin at a time when my husband and I were very distant in our relationship.  I have been unhappy for a long time and so lonely as we were living like room mates.  Everything I tried to do to make things better between us did not seem to work, even telling my husband how lonely I was and what I needed.  It would improve for a time and then go back to the way it was.  I have been back and forth in my mind as to what to do about my marriage.  In the six months that my cousin and I had no contact I totally focused on my husband and making things good between us.  Things are better and he gives me the time and attention I need but I found that my love and passion were with my cousin.  Over the last 3 years I have not been able to forget about him.  I don't think it is the right thing to do, to tell my husband about him as that would just hurt him.  I would never tell him that I was leaving him for someone else.  I am trying to decide the best thing to do for myself.  It is not easy.    I have been married for 20 yrs.

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you're not being fair to your husband. your heart is with someone else, and while you may think that what he doesn't know won't hurt him, you're wrong. in the long run you are hurting him far more by not telling him than by laying the cards on the table. you need to give him the choice now.... because that IS the right thing to do. if you are not going to completely sever ALL ties with your cousin and give 100% into this marriage, then you need to come clean. maybe your husband will choose to stick it out and try to make things work. but you have to let this be his choice... because he is the one being betrayed.

i'm not totally unsympathetic. this is my second marriage. and even though i'm happy now, there were many years of unhappiness between us. years of being neglected emotionally. years of feeling like my only purpose was to wash his clothes and cook his dinner. years when he valued his friends more than his marriage, and even allowed his friends to treat me with total disrespect. but i stuck it out, and i'm as glad that i stuck out my second one as i am that i walked away from my first one.

it's scary, telling your husband that you are in love with someone else. and yes, it will hurt him. but you're already hurting him. i know men are slower to catch on to things than women are, but i can almost guarantee that he senses something is up, and the suspicion is far more damaging to him emotionally than the confirmation would be. he deserves the truth. and like it or not, you OWE him the truth. so instead of trying to decide what is best for YOU, because that is always going to be selfish and self-serving, woman up and do what is best for HIM.

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I read (hear) what you are saying and I am not sure that I agree.  Its something to consider and appreciate your point of view.

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Dawn Louise,

    You are the only one who knows your true situation.  I am sure it is very difficult for you and it is easy for others to give you advice based on their experience.  There are so many things that we cannot know because we are not walking in your shoes.

    I made the decision to walk away from a marriage - it was emotionally abusing and was a good decision on my part - but I had to make that decision for myself.  Now I am loved by my cousin but we are not together for good reasons.  My life, my choices.

    We are here to support and encourage you always.

HUGS

Nat

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