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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Shaniic

Why can't she just be happy for him?

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Hi there, I am very frustrated and just need to vent.

Im at 24 yr old female and have been dating my first cousin (18) for over 2 years now. We are a very strong couple and I could not be happier there is noone i would rather be with. The problem is his mother. We came out to our family almost a year ago now and his mother immediately rejected it. She seemed to have no problem with me before we came out as a couple but i guess looks can be deceiving. She kicked him out the day he told her and he has only just moved back home due to it being too expensive living together atm. She just keeps putting him down, calling him a hopeless asshole, getting mad because he can't find a job, calling him a lazy prick. She is always trash talking me around him and his family but he says he just tunes her out. Today he was having an argument with his younger brother who then turned around and called him an 'incest cunt' (Please excuse the language). He got so upset he punched his little brother. I sometimes feel awful that our being together has torn his family apart, but i just cant get my head around why his mother has to be so hateful? Why cant she just be happy that he is happy? Its been almost 3 years you think she would realize that this isn't just a little fling. The part that makes me sad is that he adores his mother and her approval would mean the world to him. It breaks my heart to see him treated so badly by someone he loves because of me.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated :)

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wow, that is hateful! i can't believe, though, that there was never any indication of her being emotionally and verbally abusive in her family prior to her learning of the two of you. people with that much venom in them spew venom throughout their lives without regard to who gets damaged from it. she may have had no problem with you up until then, but that doesn't mean she wasn't mean and nasty whenever it suited her at other times.

so let go of any guilt that you might be the cause of so much strife in his family. SHE is likely the primary cause, not you. you just happen to be the latest target of her bile. feel sad for him that he has to live with it for the time being, and encourage him to get a job and get out of there as quickly as he can. he is young, but since he's in a committed relationship with you, he definitely needs to be able to pull his own weight financially. it wouldn't be fair to you to support him entirely while he gets his feet underneath him.

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Wow!  I hope his little brother got socked hard enough to learn his lesson.  I'd have wanted to make sure his mouth could never form those words again (or at least he would have an immediate and severe allergic reaction to the mere thought of doing it).

As for his mother, well, it's perfectly fine that he loves and adores his mother but if he's an adult (18), he needs to start making real choices about how he wants to spend his life.  Does he love his mother enough to allow her to dictate every action of his life at threat of rejection and being emotionally abused if he dares do something with which she disagrees?  It's normal for a mother to have strong concerns for the woman his son would be with but that doesn't mean she gets to make the deciding vote.

Know this - YOU did not cause any of this disharmony.  His mother is a free moral agent and plenty old enough to know better how to treat her son and control her actions and words.  She's making choices and choices have consequences.  He's also making choices and those choices will also have certain outcomes.  We get to decide the choices we make but we do not get to decide what outcomes those choices will have.  He needs to take a careful, hard look at the outcomes he wants and select the choices most likely to get closest to the most desirable outcome.  By the way - it's entirely possible that there is no choice where he gets to have the "perfect" outcome - he may have to choose between you and her (a choice she may force him into by her own set of choices).  He needs to recognize that she's also free to make choices and he needs to let her make the one she will make without much regard to his own.

I hope that helps a little.

CM

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Thank you so much to both answers they do sum up what iv been feeling all along. Her hatred was there a long time before I was. In honesty hes been the so called misfit for years. His brothers are idolized and he gets the scraps. I try and will continue to treat him how he deserves. Thankyou :)

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