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sanj

Allow cousins(Parallel and cross) to marry

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Hi im sanjeev, from South India, im 27 and my love is 22. we both love each other since childhood, we dont even remember when did we fall for each other, She is my mother's sister's daughter. We are in deep love, i proposed her when she was 11 and she accepted it. Since then till now we are committed and a perfect couple, but from past few months she was talking about our future and told me many of time to do something so we could marry and live together,but i always said her its not possible, society and relatives will never accept us as couple and will be a big shame for our family. We talked about this on April 1st ,she was crying, and so was i, we thought its no way for us to marry and live happily. She got convinced and she moved on, she stopped contacting me since 26 days, she blocked my number, blocked me everywhere so that we cannot contact each other, and form that day i'm feeling like hell, i realized i cannot live without her, im dying every second without her, i sent her so many messages ,mails ,contacted her friends to talk to me, but nothing worked, she is totally out of my contact now, im missing her so much,i realized how much i love her, we were together since 18 years, and all of sudden she is nowhere in my life, it sucks guys, im feeling to commit suicide, my life is nothing without her. Im crying every minute, i have become alcoholic ,im sharing my pain with everyone close to me just to find a solution. I need her,there cant be anyone who can replace her, i cannot love anyone in future.. Guys what wrong we did by loving our cousin, is that a sin?

Her mom and her sis knows about our relationship, and even my mom and my sisters know about this, Those people have harassed her, and this is the reason she stopped contacting me.

I have been mentally sick since these last 26 days, I need her in my life.. I met my mom yesterday and said her everything about our relationship, mom initially said she is like your sis and u cant do this, but  convinced her saying she is my love mom, i cant live without her, mom was just worried about society, she felt my pain, i said her we will move out to some other country and live life there, she was convinced and its only about society that is worrying her. I said mom to call her and tell her to speak to me, she said she will do it..

Guys, muslims allow parallel cousin marriages, some countries allow it, In india if we convert to some other religion then we can marry it seems, if it is a forbidden relationship then why isn't this banned across all religion and all over the globe. Why some allow and some not, If 2 adults want to live together then allow them man, Im a hindu so hindu marriage act doesnt allow this, but where is country's law? why isnt there any exception???

There are lakhs of couples who are like me, and whose life is getting ruined just because of such rules, We are not raping or murdering someone, we are not harassing or torturing someone, we love truly and want to stay together with all respect as others get, If genes and DNA are the main problem then why cant government make a law saying if couples like us wants to marry then they should make a commitment on legal paper that they will not produce children, instead they can adopt or use some other sperm donor and live their life.  Why ban such relationship for just dna or genes???

I love her very much guys, and even she does, i dont want to miss her in my life, i cannot live without her...

Guys lets unite, if Indian govt can discuss abt gays and lesbians then they should listen to this kind of relationship also, Lets unite guys, lets do something, lets try at least before we are forced to accept this bizarre rules.

I need serious and positive replies, my life is on stake,Lets file a petition and let the court hear our voice, let them make an exemption in marriages act. I want all u guys to reply on how to start this, please be serious , just think once can u let your love marry and sleep with someone else even knowing he/she loves you very much???

Life is Once......

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sanj,

You have hit on the very thing that will improve the situation for cousins in love in India. Many, many members and guests from India come here, with the same problem you have. They are every bit as desperate as you. Personally, I feel for you all. There is very little we can do on this site for you, other than provide the latest scientific data we have, information on the religious aspects, as best we know them, and provide as much moral support as possible. We realize you all are in a very tough spot. You have thought of my personal preference for a solution, which is to move somewhere you can be together. Not a popular option among our friends from India, because of the obligation children feel to their parents as they get older.

I do not like, (and I think I can speak for the other Mods and Admins here) the idea of the male from one couple marrying the female from another couple, and vice-versa, and then actually living with their cousins. I think it is not a very well thought out scheme in the long run. How will they handle the family visits which will be numerous? Will the "legal" husband/wife always want to visit the others family, in whom they have no real vested interest? Will they kiss, and be affectionate for the sake of show? How will the other partners feel about that? Will everyone involved be able to put that aside as just "the price we have to pay"? Unless the two couples live together under the same roof, how will visits from family to their home be handled? I'm not going to say it is impossible, but I'll tell them this: They had better be every bit as committed to their "show" marriage as they are to their cousin. If four people could pull it off convincingly, unless they are in the movie industry already, they should be, because they would certainly by eligible for the Bollywood equivalent of an Oscar Award. The scheme would be discovered eventually, and then, instead of two sets of p*ssed off parents, there would be FOUR sets of p*ssed off parents. IT WON'T WORK. FOLKS FROM INDIA, WE ARE GOING TO STEP UP THE REMOVING OF E-MAIL ADDYS TRYING TO SET THIS SORT OF THING UP. We do NOT think it is a good idea, and we want no part of it.

Now, to where I DO think you have hit on the very, and ONLY, thing that will help you and others in your situation, sanj. CHANGE THE LAW, AND ALONG WITH IT, THE ATTITUDES THAT CAUSED THE LAW IN THE FIRST PLACE. There is a generally accepted rule that for every one participant in a forum, (internet, radio, print, etc.) there are 1000 with the similar view. That means, from the participation here, there are several thousand Indian cousin couples in the same predicament. They should organize somehow. There have been posts from lawyers from India here, advising members to contact them. I think that is an excellent idea, and if enough would, the law could be changed. You all think you have an uphill battle? So did Gandhi. But, he was committed, determined, and had truth on his side. That is what it will take for the situation to change in India. Sham marriages for show, and changing religions, without actually believing the tenets of the new religion, is only living a lie, and NOT sustainable, in my humble opinion. Go for a legal change and solution.

I recommend our members and guests from India do as our members and guests from the Philippines have done. (Who are in every bit as tough a spot) Start your own thread, where you can speak your own language, and organize enough to get the process rolling, and leave the "e-mail me please, so we can help each other" OUT of it. SOMEONE, ONE PERSON, WILL step up and start something. THEN, EVERYONE get behind them and force the issue. It will NOT be easy. It will not happen overnight. It may not happen in time for you all to enjoy the fruits of it. But, if the effort is strong, sooner or later, things WILL change. Perhaps in time for the next generation to not have to endure what you are. That is a legacy worth leaving. 

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Also, if couples do this "double, deceptive" marriage situation - what becomes of the children?  This will be incredibly difficult with birth certificates. any legal issues for them. 

Thanks Hawk!

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sanj and other members/guests from India,

I've noticed a considerable uptick in members and lurkers from India of late. Not that we haven't had many in the past, it just seems to be on the upswing at this time. I am going to start a discussion among the admins and mods. We will discuss ways to connect you on the forum here, where you do not expose yourselves to blackmail and hackers by openly posting e-mails. And of course, to avoid the types of "arrangements" I mentioned earlier. I will not make any promises. There may very well not be a whole lot we can do, from half way around the world here. But, we will bounce it around and see if we can think of something. We know many of you are desperate, but please be patient while we ponder.

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Thanks Hawk for your valuable suggestion, I agree with what you said, someone should step up and everyone else will get behind, but here i see my Indian folks just saying there problems and thinking of helping each other by marrying cousin of other couple and later stay together. This is surely not gonna work, even my love had suggested me this but i refused, this needs to be solved from root, by making amendment in law, Court must listen to it and make a way for couples like us to marry without any objection.

Why should someone compromise entire life just because what is been followed from our old generations, and this kind of restriction varies from religion to countries, i mean how absurd is this, I'm seriously fed up of such marriage act.

I'm a Hindu and I'm not allowed to marry her because she is my mom's sister's daughter, and the same is allowed in Muslims and may be some other religions also, even some countries allow it.

This is clearly something against human rights, killing someones happiness is no less than a murder, What if tomorrow my love marries someone else under family pressure and after few months or years she starts missing me more and spoil her marital life, do we realize how many lives will get spoiled??

And what if someone commits suicide under depression? isn't the law forcing someone to spoil his/her life?

I'm not a law expert, I'm an software engineer from bangalore, and i love my girl very much, there's not a single day I'm not crying for her, she realizes it,

I request all Indian folks here please unite, and if anyone of you is a lawyer then please suggest what to be done and how to start, because i will not bow to such a law which is screwing happiness of many people...

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sanj,

We are now in the planning stages for a section on the site here for non-English speaking members. Our Filipino friends already have quite an active thread or two going, and there are two or so similar ones from our members from India, if not quite so organized just yet. Once we figure out how and where we will have such a section, those threads will be moved there. When such a section appears, we will ask you all to join the discussion in those threads. We will browse the threads to determine who among each group would be in a position to keep an eye on the goings on for us. I can follow a very limited amount of Tagalog, and would actually like to learn more of it, and may, if I get the time to do so. However, there is no way I or any of the other Admins/Mods would be able to learn Hindi, Tamil, Kashmiri, or any of the other major languages of India. Our fear is that, in desperation, and another tongue, members would continue to try to hook up for these well intentioned, but misguided, schemes to marry each others cousin. We really are adamant about NOT supporting such a scheme.

We are also very protective of our members here. Any member openly posting an e-mail address is putting themselves at risk of spam and hackers. We have done much to stop the spam on the site here, but there are still spam bots getting in. We pretty much have them stopped from being able to "join", but they are still able to "view" threads and would be able to glean e-mail addresses if they are openly posted. Openly posted e-mails also invite blackmailers. As I mentioned, we are very protective of our members here. I personally have scared a member or two off by searching where they are with an IP tracker. I felt bad about it, but I don't do it to be nosy, or try to hack or otherwise track them. I do it to protect them if they happen to be in a state where it is illegal to be with your cousin, and let them know to be very careful. In India, if you are Hindu, it is illegal, unless it is cross cousins in the South of India. At least that is my understanding of it. I will admit my knowledge of Indian geography is seriously lacking, and I have no idea where the dividing line between North and South is in India. Most members mention their caste and general locale, and those escape my knowledge as well. We admit our knowledge of your culture is seriously limited. We are for the most part Christian here also, so our knowledge of the Hindu religion is limited as well. We do good to try to fathom the various Christian denominations. We have a grasp of Judaism and small grasp of Islam, but that's about it for those religions too.

Most members from India also type in a form of "text speak" that is hard for us to follow. We realize English is not everyone's first language, but it is ours, and for us to advise, we must be able to comprehend. You are an exception, in that I can quite easily follow you, even though I realize English might not be your first or only language. That is why we are considering a place where people who do not speak English so well can be comfortable communicating it their own language. Since I suggested it, I will do my best to moderate it, but I will be working more as summer approaches, so it will be up to members to police themselves. There will be Terms Of Use/Service for any such section, and we will expect them to be adhered to. Other than not posting e-mails, trying to set up "marry each others cousin" deals, and graphic sexual content, it's probably going to be pretty wide open. We want you to debate, and come up with a ways to support each other that may have not been thought of yet. You are the kind of member who will be needed so, as we say here in the US, "Cooler heads will prevail." Please do stick around. 

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