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anxiousandangry

Requited love but sadness

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My cousin and I are in love.

And it would be accepted by our families.

Except he can't do it.  He wants to try to be with his fiancee.  And I could accept that if I knew he wasn't settling.  He's scared; he's told me as such.  He doesn't want to think "what if" about her.  He's afraid of her pain. 

My only wish for the two of us is that we're always friends.  And we will be.  But I can't tell him I think he's settling if he stays with her - that he's lying to himself and he knows it. 

If he weren't family I could cut him out of my life.  But I love him too much and I just want him to be happy.  I can accept that we won't be together.  I just wish he wouldn't stay with someone who causes him so much pain.

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It sounds like you are both lying to yourselves. Believe me, you have no choice but to accept his decision. Maintaining this romantic imagery in your heart will be detrimental to your mental health and ultimately, your future.

Perhaps your cousin does love you but he doesn't have the backbone to stand up for you. You do not want to make a lifelong commitment to a person like that. You deserve much better. Send her flowers and a congratulatory card. I do think it is fine to make a little wager on how long this marriage will last  :evil:

Half of these marriages do not last. People need to think long and hard about it and not be motivated only by feelings. If you are having major problems before the marriage then run like hell. Don't be an idealistic fool like I have been known to be.

Take my advice to heart. Take it to the bank. You will thank me later on down the line when you see things more clearly.

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I love him so much I can put my "in love" feelings aside to be happy for him. I know these early feelings of infatuation will fade. We've told each other as such.  He knows how I feel.  I just want him to be true to himself and not settle.  If I tell him that it risks our future friendship.  I can't not have him in my life.  He's too important to me.

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what makes you think he's settling? have you considered that he really does love her, and really can picture himself with her in their old age? not trying to be offensive here, but you are, in a sense, the other woman... and it sounds like he's made his choice and you don't like it.

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i'm not saying you're wrong, i'm just asking what makes you certain you're right? i know what you want is understanding and sympathy, but what you NEED is to really examine the situation, analyze it, and make sure you aren't deluding yourself. and even if you're NOT, and you ARE right that he's settling, it's really an impossible situation because you can't make up his mind for him.

so bear with me here, and let's walk through this. what makes you sure that he's settling? what makes you sure that you're really speaking out of a desire for him to be happy, rather than (as your username indicates) out of anxiety and anger?

sometimes the kindest thing a person can do is make another person stop and really examine things from outside the emotional box they're in.

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I just want it back.  I want us to be friends again.  And we will be.  But we'll always know what could have been.  He knows he's picking the safe path - he's afraid to take risks.  He'd rather settle in a relationship than risk a new one.  And that's fine.  But we've made our feelings for each other very clear.  I support his decision to be with her while I also have to acknowledge that, if a magic wand existed, all our troubles would be gone and we'd be together.

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