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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Confused96

Need some help and advice :/

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7 posts in this topic

Want to talk to my cousin any suggestions to make it less awkward?

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Confused96,

The old "If you weren't my cousin" line is about as good as it gets at breaking the ice initially

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Mmm, already been past that, we was kinda seeing each other although it has been quite confusing. i decided i was too confused about my feelings and said its best to leave it. I am currently dating someone else although our relationship doesn't seem to be progressing.  It's the after part of seeing my cousin frequently and him ignoring me, making things awkward. I don't know how to approach him its completely changed our friendship :( I do want to be able to speak to him as i do see him quite alot but he has deleted social networking sites ignoring texts and even ignoring me in person. I'm sure my family is getting suspicious.

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Confused96, 

Ok, a little more information makes quite a difference.

So, are you still confused, as the user name would indicate, or are you reconsidering the relationship with your cousin? Are you thinking that walking away from it was a mistake?

I can tell you first hand that going to a certain point, and then backing away DOES change the relationship. I'm not sure from your post just exactly how deep you got into it, how old you two are, or other details which would have a bearing on how we would advise you. I know he could be so detached because he doesn't want to get any more attached than he was, since you backed off and moved on. It does seem quite immature of him to not accept your platonic approaches toward him. Either he is still reasonably young, or he was quite a bit more smitten with you than you were with him, and was hurt by your saying "it's best to leave it." Of course, being that way about it is immature also. You were confused and/or nervous, and if him widdle feewings were hurt by that, instead of trying to understand where you were with it, and having patience with you, and NOT letting it change the relationship, he got this butthurt, maybe you SHOULD have questioned going further at this time. Sounds to me like he has a little growing up to do.

My advice? Don't ignore him, but stop going out of your way to repair the relationship. You've offered the olive branch. You can't make him pick it up. Time is what it will take. If family wants to know what the problem is, just shrug your shoulders. It isn't any of their business, and truthfully, you are not a mind reader, and don't know exactly what his malfunction is in all of this.

And, if the current relationship is going nowhere, get out before you get any deeper....

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I am still confused about my feelings cause i feel like we haven't really communicated about anything. I would like to talk to him about everything that has gone on and how we both felt. One minute he said he liked me and then i was okay with that. we saw each other. A couple of months later he wanted to be in a relationship but i told him no like i said. Then he said he would never go out with his cousin but when we have a drink he seems to want me to go back to his place or mine... But then still stays silent it seems like he does want to speak to me but is scared of me not feeling the same or not knowing what to say. He has always been really nice to me before all this and i would rather have our friendship back. He has replied today so i think i will try and get a convo going but i dont know what to say. We are both 20 and i think you are right he is acting immaturely about everything. I feel bad the way i approached it at the time but now i feel ready to speak about everything.

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Confused96,

Your cousin sounds a lot like myself, so I have an idea how he may feel. Before me and my cuz had our falling out a few months ago it was always me who tried to open the door of communication to talk about "us", it was always me trying to advance the relationship, little by little. Usually most times I would bring it up she would shut down. Communicating was not her strong point. After our falling out I tried to reach out to her several times via text, I apologized, I tried to everything and I never got a single reply.

It completely crushed me, I never knew my emotions could completely destroy my confidence and self-esteem..I was a wreck for months, depressed, anti-social, suicidal. I turned to alcohol, drugs, sex; anything to get my mind off her. Eventually I knew if I kept up this kind of behavior it would be the end of me. It was then I got rid of every trace of her from my life; I deleted her number, messages, Facebook, all our pictures, I even went as far as alienating myself from our mutual group of friends just so I didn't run the risk of running into her again.

A couple weeks later I felt somewhat like my normal self again. Quite honestly, if she did reach out to me, I don't know if I could do it again, my feelings for her were so overwhelming it nearly destroyed me. I love her and want to be with her more than anything...but at the same time I'm afraid if I do I will go through this vicious cycle all over again. I've thought to myself "well, maybe we can just be friends again" but from reading various stories on this website, that's a damn difficult thing to do. I still think about her, almost everyday, but the pain and hurt isn't near as strong.

As Hawk said (and he knows my whole story) your cousin was probably destroyed when you decided it was "best to leave it". He's nervous, hesitant, and has his guard up about getting his feelings crushed again and I honestly know how he feels. Perhaps call him, send him a text, snapchat, whatever...perhaps airing things out will allow you guys to have somewhat of a friendship again. That's all I want from my cuz, for us to just talk, communicate, get everything out in the open that way I'm not in this confused limbo anymore.

This may be a stretch, but I would assume you have some sort of feelings for your cousin, you wouldn't be here otherwise. Try being true to yourself about your own feelings first before reaching out to your cousin. It's only as awkward as you make it.

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My good friend Hawk there is far better at advice than I.....

I get that you want to talk over with your cousin what did (or maybe what didn't) happen between the two of you.  My view is, until you have reconciled yourself to those events, there's no point in having that convo, it may just cause more confusion, or worse, more hurt.  I don't mean you have to have all the answers, no-one real has all of those, (isn't that what life's all about after all?).  The risk also would be that you may speak / respond without due consideration - oh how hindsight is a wonderful thing heh  :smiley:

Anyways, good luck whatever course of action you choose to take.

Lori :)

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