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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Desperate and Depressed

Losing a cousin

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14 posts in this topic

Hi all, I'm going to tell my story to a public forum as I'm getting desperate... It caught me off guard as the last couple of years, whenever I saw her, either at family gatherings or at work (we did work at the same place for a year or so until I left) I would just be happy to see her. At that point, I wasn't sure about my feelings and just chalked it up to early starts and long hours. Nothing to do with love.

However, luck would have it that the feelings grew to become unbearable and I really didn't know how to deal with them. My head was just filled with emotions and I was so confused.

My failure of course was my next foolish move. I hadn't come across this site and come to see that I have basically broken the rules or done the opposite to was said in the "Sharing your feelings with your cousin" sticky thread.

Everything that I feared initally has come to fruition. I tried txting her and wanting to talk to her in private, that didn't work at all. I wasn't up front about my feelings (yes I broke the rule of not telling her straight to the point and telling her I was scared about telling her) she now doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I have told other family members that I know would be understanding, including another cousin (not her sibling but is closer to her than me) so she may have actually mentioned it to her, I suspect. Although, I usually tell her things as I normally trust her not divulge info.

When I was at her house (the cousin I had feelings for), I tried to talk to her in private she just screamed at me and said two specific things. She was not going to have this conversation because it made her feel uncomfortable and that I was no longer welcome (whether to my aunt's house or to ever contact her, at the time I didn't really understand). I'm not sure whether or not she's figured it out but I can't even have a conversation with her anymore. She won't even respond to my txts and this is absolutely killing me inside.

I am absolutely devasted as it seems I have lost a cousin all together. A few days later she has deleted me from her MSN, I know now she wants nothing to do with me.... Was I wrong to follow my feelings? Did I just go too far too fast? Am I supposed to give up and move on?

Please help anyway you can and thanks for listening/reading.

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im assuming youre over 18 because you two worked together for a year. mind giving us your age? im sure that would give the more experienced member an idea of what to say.

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I'd say your best bet would be to leave her alone for a while. For whatever reason, she's obviously freaked out, and no amount of you trying to apologise or explain your actions will get throught to her right now.

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I'd say your best bet would be to leave her alone for a while. For whatever reason, she's obviously freaked out, and no amount of you trying to apologise or explain your actions will get throught to her right now.

Yup, couldn't have said it better.

  Other than that, if you REALLY feel this strongly about her, get your act together, and become the "alpha male." Maybe work out. Get fit if you're not already. Work on your confidence. It's kinda shattered right now, so use this as a "teachable moment." If you work on you, and make you a more "desirable" person to the female persuasion as a whole, she WILL notice. Even if she has the "ick" factor over it now, that doesn't mean she would completely rule it out in the future, but her view of you will have to change. DON'T bring it up again. If family gigs you about it, just say "Yeah, so what, I had a little crush on her, she blew up on me, case closed."  But just not necessarily....... :wink:

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Hey guys, finally got an account registered.

Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'll pursue this as I really think this won't work out at all, as I truly believe that this is a one way street  :(

The people who I do trust and have confided in seem more to hint at the whole plenty more fish in the sea argument and that I need to go out and see more people.

Feel free to give more advice as it's truly appreciated.

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D&D,

Yes, there are other fish in the sea, I know, I have one. Best I can tell, she's a keeper. Is it all milk and honey? No. Would it be with your cousin? Probably not, especially given her (IMHO) somewhat childish reaction. A mature reaction would have been "I'm flattered, and thanks, but no thanks."

Put this all back in your own place in your heart, and let it help mold you into the man you will become, as you move on. And it will be a part of you, and who you are, and what makes you tick. I reiterate, make this a time to reflect on you. Do what you have to, to become what you want you to be. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time. It gets easier once you make up your mind to do so, and start walking forward. It seems like you've taken that first step already....

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Hi Hawk,

Thanks for that advice.

I really don't think I've taken that first step. I know nothing will become of this (unreciprocated love). Not  having the cousin relationship is the hardest thing. Whenever I do see them, there's no way that she will or can act comfortably around me. Conversations will be initiated by me will have a response, often short and sharp and sounds like the responses are forced, as she would be the embarrassed one if she does not give a response (must be just a trait) whereas anything initiated via electronic means is easier to simply ignore.

Yes I will take on board your advice and work on me first. There have already been big changes in my life in the past two months. I have learnt more about my family when something this big (well I consider it big) you find out who supports you and who does not.

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D&D,

I'm so sorry that your cousin acted the way she did and ignored you like that. I have to agree it is a bit childish but I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things. At least your cousin didn't lead you on and make you fall for them knowing that they were already spoken for. That's what happened to me.. I learned that he lied to me and now we can no longer have any contact because his fiance (which I knew nothing about) said she would threaten to tell our family about our inappropiate relationship. If it wasn't for her writing me I would have never known why he was ignoring me.... sorry i'm making this all about me its just that I still feel hurt about it. Anyways I'm in the same boat as you, learning to move on. And its harder than it seems. I too lost a cousin and I dont ever think we will ever get in contact again but maybe there is still hope for you.

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Hi Heartbroken8,

Thanks so much. It's still hard having feelings for them and them ignoring me etc. Not much I can do but move on without them.

I do feel for you having learnt about how your cousin was the way they were and leading you on, even though they were engaged. It's so wrong for people in general to mess you and your heart, it's tough enough as it is when you develop these kinds of feelings for your cousin!

You will find a way in getting over them. I know exactly how it feels when things don't work out and I'm still trying to just get by day by day.

All the best

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I just want to say thank you for giving me some advice. I now feel better about my situation, maybe we were just never meant to be... everything happens for a reason right? From now on I'm just going to try and think positive and not let him or anyone else get me down. I really hope that you find a way to get over her or I hope she comes around and at least starts talking to you again, even if its just as cousins. I'd rather have my cousin in my life as just a cousin than not in my life at all but its too late for that. Anyways I just want you to know if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me!

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Hey HB8, hope you're doing well. Glad you've taken whatever steps you need to continue on.

I saw my cousin tonight due to a family gathering but still don't have the guts to start a conversation not knowing how she'll react. For now I'll sit on the fence before I try to get comfortable around them, sometimes I don't think there's a point in engaging into a deepish conversation one day and the next time I see them she's blowing me off again. Always stuck between a rock and a hard place with me. Gah!

All the best to you.

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Hi all,

Apologies as I feel I'm performing necromancy and reviving this old topic I started.

It's nearly been a whole year since I had decided to reveal my feelings to my cousin and been totally fobbed off.

I've learnt many things, made some really good friends and discovered great truths into how everything has unfolded.

The cousin I liked was not completely to "blame" in regards to not wanting to interact with me any longer. The truth was there was another cousin meddling in the whole affair and had pretty much set it up so I would take a heavy fall and had sabotaged any chance of a relationship from the start. Unfortunately for me, she was the first person I told as I felt she was trustworthy from the start. How wrong I was!

To make things easier to follow, I will use J and Z as the two cousins, J and Z are both female. Z is the one I like, J is the meddler in the whole affair. The truth is that J is in love with Z. Although she has not admitted as such, actions speak louder than words. From the beginning the sabotage and, also, the ongoing actions to prevent me from even speaking to Z leads me to this conclusion. The worst thing she has done was use Z's insecurities against me, convincing her beyond any reasonable doubt that I was not a good person, possibly under the pre-tense of someone who was protecting her (An example, J convinced Z that I would kill Z if I was ever to speak to her one on one. Z's upbringing/childhood wasn't the best. The best conclusion I can come with is that she finds it hard to trust people (one of her insecurities). Obviously, she trusts J to the extent that she believed everything she said and I was never given the chance to tell my side of things). Even though her true intention was that she didn't want Z to be taken away from, possibly because of her own insecurities.  The only piece of information I do not have is whether or not Z reciprocates the same feelings or even has any idea of J's true feelings/intentions.

They are making plans to move out together to another city. Truthfully, I feel like she will escape and I will get no justice because of the way I've been treated and because this hidden truth will possibly not be revealed unless I speak up.

I do not want revenge I just wanted to tell my story and how complicated these things can get.

Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this.

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This is a pretty sad story...but honestly I think it is very important to attempt to have a discussion in person. I'm not sure how you asked her but you should emphasize that there seems to be many misunderstandings and that this problem can't be resolved unless they are talked about. Running away without wanting to hear the other side of the story is bad.

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