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Need Advice

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Guest Tracy

I am a 41-year-old woman and need advice.  My cousin is 34, when he was about 17, I found myself becoming attracted to him and "feeling nervous" around him.  When we were younger, up until he got married, which was when he was around 21, we "picked on each other".  We have a very large, close family.  His two sisters are like my sisters.  Since he was 17, I also felt that the attraction was mutual but did not act on it until two years ago.  I was having sexual dreams about him and casually told him about them.  He told me he had had some of the same type dreams. I was divorced and he was still married so we dropped the issue. Too, I felt I had made a fool of myself so I wanted to forget about it...until this past March. 

He and his wife are separated and I went to visit my aunt, him and his daughter who live one state away.  While we were there, he brought up the subject of the dreams and the fact that he had been attracted to me for a long time also. We ended up having sex on that visit. Him being the initiator. After we had sex, I didn't see him until we were leaving. It felt like a one night stand. Now he makes me even more nervous. I have had little contact with him since and feel like I'm a "school girl" or that one night stand he is trying to avoid. After not contacting him for about two weeks, I just told him that he has made me nervous since he was 17 and he asked "why the heck would I make you nervous". So now I feel like a bigger fool.  I'm not sure how I "feel" about him, but not quite sure how to take how he is reacting to the whole situation or how I should handle it.

I've been saying little things to see what his reaction would be, trying to get a feel about how he feels about the situation.  I can't talk to anyone because I know how everyone would react to what happened so I feel kind of lost. Once I asked him if he thinks it (sex) might happen again, it made him feel awkward.  Another time, I got "It was fun" out of him.

I tell myself I'm just going to leave him alone and forget it happened, then I feel myself wanting to talk to him and flirt with him.  So I do try to flirt and I feel like a fool once again.  I'm trying to not have any "real feelings" for him because I know it wouldn't be the best thing for me to do but find myself thinking about him and wanting to have some kind of contact with him.

Any advice?

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