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so lost

Guest rebecca h

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Guest rebecca h

So...here goes nothing.

Im the oldest cousin. Next after me is only a few months younger. So as kids we spent lots of time together. Then families moved and we saw each other less frequently. Still loved seeing each other and hanging out as family. Im 26 now and so is he. His sister got married last week and the night before the wedding a bunch of us went out drinking. I was pretty buzzed but not crazy drunk. We took a cab back to the hotel where everyone is staying and i jokingly said "im not sneaking into my room and waking ppl up. Ill just sleep in ur room". So we crawled into bed and i instantly snuggled into him. I can feel we r both breathing heavily but shallow. I slowly turn my face up to him and his lips meet mine. Nothing felt icky or wrong. It felt amazing and so sensual and passionate. We made love twice that night and barely got any sleep. The next morning we were still feeling the same becuz there were no regretful feelings, guilt or nervousness. Like wed been together for years. We were kissing and cuddling and being affectionately playful while in the hotel getting ready. We both went and helped set up tge wedding all day. Both went our separate ways to change and he had to do pictures. The wedding ceremony is beautiful and the reception is underway. He looks so unbeievably handsome all night and during dinner we kept sneaking glances and catching eachothers eyes. I texted him while hes sitting a few tables away about how much fun last night was and how i cldnt stop staring at him. He gave me his hotel key at one point as we planned to spend tge night together again. He hates dancing, i love it, so i told him he had to at least dance with me for the last slow song. He did and i felt like i was floating on air. Reception ends, we r helping clean up when my mother starts insisting i come back to hers and mine hotel tonight. Im saying " no ill stay here a while to clean up and then hang out with my cousin". She gets more and more aggrivated and serious. I startedt get nervous. Finally she pulls me aside and sats "u are not here to fuck ur cousin. Do not do this to ur aunt and uncle." I was in shock but stood my ground. She got in her car and sped ofg. I ran to my cousin, buried my face in his chest as he hugged me and i cried softly "she knows". Im sobbing completely.

We go back to the hotel. Im still a wreck as he tries to console me and hug me. We fall asleep out of sheer exghuastion. Apparebtly she had gone thru my phone and found our texts.

We wake up to text messages saying my.mom told his mom and tgey are beyond upset and angry.  Im terrified and legit having tiny constant panic attacks in tge hotel. While he tries to text both of them and. Be rational and reasonable. They arent having aby of it. His dad seems to be the most rational while both motgers are going off tge wall.  We slowly maje our way downstairs. Only the five of us kno so everyone else is still post wedding happy and exciyed. Both moms r packong tge vehicles as both familes planned to leave that morning. Both mothers wont look at eitger of us. Its extremly uncomfortable and upsetting.  My mother gets in tge car without saying good bye, so i must too. Its a 9 hpur dribe home, she dribes it all and doesnt say a word to me for 9 HOURS. We get home and webasically avoid eachother for a day or two. Tgis is day 4 weve been home.And shes back to being friendly and her normal self. Shes acting like nothing happened.  My cousin and hismm have talked and resolved things although shes still very upsst. I texted his mom saying how incredibly sorry i was and that if she never wabted tk see me again around her or her family tgat id respect her wishems and deal with my consequences. MSje texted back saying thank u for the apology and that she and my cousin r worjing to repair their relationship andthat with tine she will be able to tell me where she and i stand. And that this info cannot go outside the five ppl who kno.

My cousin and i have been texted back and forth and i dont think he knows how i really feel for him. I love him to pieces and now i love him kn a whole other level. I cry every night thinkinh anout how i felt with him. Ive been tgru some rough relationships and sone good ones. He feels so different. I want to keep him but our parents wld never allow it. And im not sure if hes avoiding what i felt becuz he doesnt feel the same or if hes so afraid of hurting his family again. Its heart breaking to kno every day tgat i got a taste of something real and genuine. True caring and love. But ill never get to have it becuz we care too much about other ppls feelings.  I understand i upset ppl and. Hurt them but that was never my intention. I still dont see the big deal in us being cousins. But eceryone else does, so i feel tgat im the one to ultimately suffer abd never kno this love again as its already caused a huge break in our relationships with our moms. He can find someone else and try again for love. But ive been tgru it ober and over and im constantly let down or. It neverworks. I kno tgis is different, i feel it with everything i am. I wld follow him to the ends of tge earth.  Im so torn and heart brojen. If he asked me to run away so we cld be togethet...i wld in a heart beat. I wld marry him without question. I feel like he connects with me on such a deeper level than anyone ever has.

Im complrtely lost and helpless.

Any advice wld be lovely.

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I'm sorry to hear how all of that ended up.  I'm not entirely sure where your cousin stands or what his purpose was.  I mean, was he just having a good time and nothing more?  Or did he cave to family pressure?  I'm still trying to figure out what 26-year-old man lets his mom go through his cell phone.  I have an 18-year-old daughter who would be very reluctant to let me (only because she'd be embarrassed about the nerdy stuff she does, which is actually kind of cute) and extremely offended if I tried.  She's an adult woman so I don't go there and neither does my wife.  Heck, I don't even go through my 17-year-old's phone.  I've learned to trust them to make good decisions and by valuing their privacy, they've continued to trust me as they've grown up.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that.  The emotional roller coaster ride isn't over; we'll be here, wishing you the best.


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