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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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deliaxx

In love with 2nd cousin?

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So I think I'm in love with my second cousin. I definitely know that I'm attracted to him. In fact, it's to the point where I fantasize about him a lot. Is this normal? We used to play all the time as kids but I recently met him again after not seeing him for 10 years. (We are both 17 now). Is this considered incest, and is attraction to your second cousin normal?

The sad thing is that we will probably never be more than friends due to family stigma since our dads and families are very close. My cousin is like my ideal type too and I can tell that he is also attracted to me. Should I just suppress my feelings and wait for another guy to fall in love with?  :cry:

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yes it's normal, no it's not incest. in fact, second cousins can legally marry anywhere in the entire world. there are no genetic problems that result from second cousins, and there are no biblical or religious prohibitions.

you might get sneers and jeers from people who are totally ignorant though... and some of those may be among your family and friends. all that it takes to stop that, most of the time, is educating them without letting them intimidate you.

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Yeah I think the hardest part about pursuing such a relationship would be dealing with what our families would think. I don't want my family to have an awkward tension due to how my cousin and I might feel about each other. Plus, considering how close our families are they would probably see such a relationship as incestuous.  :undecided:

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deliaxx,

Relax.

I have a second cousin who is very close to me as well. We are the same age too, only MUCH older than you two. We are not together, and never will be, but that is more of our own doing, and not family. In our case, it is our Mothers who are first cousins. They are close to the same age, and back when they were your age, they were very close too. They were more like sisters than first cousins actually. They still pretty much are. They drive each other crazy, just like sisters. When her Mom, sister and her moved here when we were kids, me and my brothers and her and her sister were the same way. Very close. To the point we refer to them as the sisters we never had, and they refer to us as the brothers they never had. When we were about 3 years older than you (20ish), through a series of events, we became much more, over the course of a couple weeks. Like you, she got scared. Not so much about family, but friends and acquaintances. Our Moms wouldn't have cared, and our Dads opinions would have been neutral. Even at our age now, in our 50's, our Moms wouldn't care, and would actually be kinda tickled. But, she has a long term BF, I was divorced within the last year, and have met a wonderful woman I am quite fond of indeed. When I was married, and even now, we have no stomach for cheating. We had our chance and didn't go for it.

I've stuck around here for folks just like you. You are in a position to possibly have a most rewarding relationship with this young man, should you play your cards right. First things first. STAY IN SCHOOL. Either get your grades up, or keep them up. He needs to do the same. Get smart. Nobody wants a dummy for a partner. Next, until you are of age, (and I recommend 20~22 or so) keep in touch, stay close, and get closer. Build the friendship. In all of that, do try to keep the hormones in check, and avoid naked shenanigans. It will do you no good to find yourself in "a motherly way" before you are fully prepared to do so. That isn't to say you don't do the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, ...." line on him to be sure he has similar feelings. If you get the impression he does, he probably does. That's all fine and good, and as you get a little older, and closer, you can certainly ramp up the affection. Just don't jump in too fast and too deep. We did, and it got very intense, very quickly. Too intense, too quickly. We didn't ever have to say "I love you", it was a given. We knew we loved each other. But, when it changed to intimacy, and that fact and those words had a different meaning, THAT was overwhelming. It really did come right out of the blue. It was so much, so fast, that she got scared. Had we seen it coming, when we were your age, we could have, (and most likely would have) taken things much slower, and thought out where we wanted to go with it, and what our options were. Remember too, back then, there was no internet or site like this, so information was limited to what you have heard, which has you nervous up to this point. We would have had to dig a little deeper. But, like I say, we weren't even thinking of each other that way at your age, and it just happened later. Had the internet been around, and possibly a site like this, who knows, things may have been much different. I do know we would have googled it, had that been an option, LOL.

If you say he is your perfect type, then you are probably like me and mine. We finish each other's sentences and know what the other is thinking without saying it. If that sounds like you two, then trust me when I tell you these things to remember. 

School first. Get smart. Part of that is having a good look at this site and the main page, and all the info.

Keep it on the down low. If there will be drama, you are in no position now to withstand it. Be patient, and lay the groundwork for a relationship when you ARE able to be out on your own, and independent.

Once you are ready, and BOTH on the same page, go for it, and don't let ANYONE talk you out of it. 

If you do have the "If you weren't my cousin..." talk, and it leads to what we here call "The Talk", where you openly admit your feelings to each other, feel free to show him the site, and this thread. I'm talking to him, and any other young members and lurkers in a similar situation. It's known as my "broken record speech" LOL.

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Wow thanks for such a detailed and thoughtful post! I am very sensible/realistic so I would never do anything rash or careless and I value my education.

I care less about what my friends and peers would think and more about what my family would think. I asked my mom today if it's normal to date a second cousin and she said "Absolutely not. It's only acceptable to date a cousin if they are a 4th or 5th cousin. A 2nd cousin is way too close in relation and bloodline".

Although my family is quite open minded, I don't think they will ever allow me to pursue a relationship with my 2nd cousin. I tell my parents everything(except the fact that I'm in love with my cousin) and I highly respect their opinions so my mom's denial of such a relationship was a serious disappointment. As of now, I have the feeling of someone who is in love with a married person; that person you love is off limits  :cry:

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deliaxx, 

Second cousins are way too close in her mind, because she's bought into all the old wives tales of cousins having kids with two heads or 12 fingers and toes. Nonsense. There is all kinds of information on the main page about the genetics of cousin couples, and the fact that second cousins share (IIRC) only about 1% or so more DNA than the average stranger. Don't quote me on that, it's been a while since I looked at it, and several of the others here are much better read on it than I. I do recall there is no documented proof of genetic problems directly related (no pun intended) to second cousins having children. The issues that are documented between first cousins' offspring are WAY over blown as well. The increased risk is between FIRST cousins, not second, and the rate of increased risk is no more than other risk factors that are generally deemed acceptable. I doubt your mother would tell a ~38 yr old woman she should not have children, because there is a ~3% or so increased chance of the child having problems, now would she? Well, that's the same increase in risk as FIRST cousins. It drops completely off the radar in the case of SECOND cousins. The issues are for rare conditions also. Any issues that would come into play in your case are the same as non-related couples.

For instance, I have A-fib. My Mom has it. My Grandpa had it. My cousin's Grandpa may or may not have, but we have no proof he did. We have no proof that their youngest brother had it. However, his son, my and Cuz's mothers' other first cousin, has it. So, there is a tendency in the family toward A-fib. Should her and I have got together back in the day, and decided to have children, there would have most likely been a better than average chance that they would have had A-fib. BUT, by the same token, since there is no proof her Grandfather had it, we know neither her or her Mom have it, there is just as likely a chance that mine would have been the recessive gene, NOT the dominate, and we would have had children that do not have it. Same for a family history of diabetes, breast cancer, liver problems, bad eyes, ingrown toenails, you name it. All conditions that are an issue for any couple to consider before having children, be they cousins or not.

If she is as open minded as you say, then perhaps she can be enlightened to the actual risks (or lack of them) and eventually change her thinking on the matter. If her objections are more from a moral standpoint, there is information here as well, showing that the Bible has no issue with FIRST cousins being together, and such arrangements were actually COMMANDED by God in more than one instance. Second cousins are perfectly fine in the eyes of the Lord too, so THAT isn't a valid objection. An open minded woman would also recognize when she is believing misguided "facts" based on an unfounded stigma.

  I don't know that I would bring it back up any time soon however. Let it drop for now, keep in touch with Cuz, build the friendship, test the waters to see if he feels the same, and if so, keep it under your hats for the time being. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you really do have all the time in the world ahead of you. If it does come up, by her watching the two of you interact, you may as well go to her privately, ask to speak to her in confidence, and then set her down, and bring her here. Tell her you know how she feels, but you would like for her to at least hear you out, and look at the facts before being so hasty to judge. Let her know you are in no hurry, but that you really feel a connection to Cuz. Be honest. Let her know that you want to show her the facts, and that other people's opinion of it don't matter to you, but you would like to eventually have her blessing, if possible, when and if anything were to ever come of it.

I know a lot of this is way out in front of where you are right now, but if there is a mutual attraction, there ARE better than average odds that sooner or later, it will play out. If it does, you may as well have the groundwork in place to minimize the drama. 

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I am also in love, secretly, with my second cousin. We are both in our 60's. She is 68 and I am 69 years old. I can't stop thinking about Bonnie. She started poking me very frequently on facebook. I have been returning her poke's,

(content edited)

She is a gorgeous woman for 68 years old.

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good grief, salty. i can't figure out if you're a troll or a horny old goat, but you need to keep in mind this is a family site. you're really pushing boundaries with the way you talk about her. for that reason, i'm editing your post.

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We are the same age me and my cousin I'm 16 and she has begged when ever we meet for me to tell her who I love and only now I told when I had to go for a sleepover there she liked me back when she didn't know that we were cousins. I asked on a scale 1-10 how much she said 2 but inside of me the scale would of broke I told her how beautiful she is. She said that can't be right I said believe what u want she just sat there and said ok I said u don't think I'm sick and she said u have a problem then went to her sisters room to sleep in the sleeping bag and I went to search for more people like u for advice to teach me to move on but I think that's impossible and I even cried some night that I will never get her.

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Even me too in the same situation. My second cousin who loved me for 9 yr we wr just like husband n wife. Now she got married cos of her parents emotional threat now. Says he won't live with that new guy. How can I get her back

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I'm 17 ang experiencing that sort of attraction with my 2nd cousin... One night he told me "If we weren't cousins I would have courted you and dated you" and that got me thinking... What if? I think it's  so crazy, but so what? I've liked him ever since, even when we're not talking that much... And now here he goes telling me "I just wish we're not cousins".

He asked me that night... If he will pursue me, would I stop him? I couldn't even say a word, it's because I won't. I'd let him.

It's very obvious that we like each other... We give each other nicknames and we always check on each other.

But here in our country, people are so family inclined that I think this will be a really really huge issue once everyone knew.

I'm just really thankful for this site.

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Just someone also inlove,

If you would, go back up and read my advice to the OP in this thread. It's going to be a little different in your case, because you've already had the old "if you weren't my cousin" talk. You are also borderline old enough to have what we here loosely call "The Talk", where you openly discuss your feelings with each other in a sober and adult manner.

You mentioned your country being a possible problem, as well as family. You (wisely, IMHO) didn't mention what country, so, I won't either. But, kinda another one of those "good news/bad news" deals for you. As a mod, I can, and do, avail myself of the privilege of having a little peek when it's an issue. Some good news. You aren't in what we consider the worst country as far as cousin couples goes. That title goes to India, by far. Where you are, as well as India, (so far as we can tell) and everywhere else we know of, second cousins are legal to marry. That's the good news. Now, for some not so good news, with a little not so bad news thrown in. Although it's legal there for second cousins, there is quite the considerable cultural bias against it. Not as bad as India, as I mentioned, but, almost right up there with it. Your drama out of family may or may not be as bad. Unlike there, you would probably not face threats of violence toward you, or suicide by them, to try to control you, or make you change your mind. But, the pressure could still be considerable. So, for now, go back up and read the advice about keeping it on the down low for a couple more years or so at least, focus on your studies and parlaying that into gainful employment, get out on your own, keep building the friendship and trust, and once you are older and ready, THEN go for it, and don't let ANYBODY talk you out of it....

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I'm also in love with my second cousin but he's older than me! I'm 17 and he's 30! But he's also got a girlfriend! One night me and him where hanging out and playing video games! The next day I went home and we were talking and I said I'd u weren't my cousin I would have told u what I thought of u and wanted to do with u, he said he felt the same way. Ik the age difference is bad and ask but sometimes I imagine having his kids so instead I think of another guy I've been hanging with and wishing that I could hey my mind off of him! Can I get advice?

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Brittanie,

Yeah, first off, don't do anything until you're 18, or it could be 20 years before you get the chance to again. Next, don't do anything as long as he's attached.

My advice? For the time being, casually stay in contact, while focusing on your schooling. I'll assume you're in HS still, probably a Senior. Focus on getting HS out of the way, and try to decide what you want to do for a living, and go get some further education to that end. Then, when you're 20ish, (I personally prefer 22ish) see where things stand. You have no real reason to get any too serious with ANY guy just yet. Put it on the back burner and let it stew for a while. The age difference is pretty big, but not unheard of. You'll see why 33 and 20 sounds a little more palatable when you're actually 33 and 20. If at that time, he's unattached, then you can pick the conversation back up from where it's already been. You don't need (or WANT) to be the reason his relationship ends. Plus, even in a year, when you are of age, even though you are second cousins, the drama is liable to still be high. He won't be looked at in a good light, even if it's actually you who initiates the relationship.

Put it on hold for a while, get yourself into a more independent situation, see if he's unattached at that point, and THEN see if there's any potential......

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The first memory I have of my true love was at his grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. He was 11 and I was 9. They made us dance together. He said I looked pretty in my dress and I hated it!

He visited our farm every summer. He was a big city boy and I was a fame girl with Tom boy proclivities. We walked all over the small town stopping by the canal to throw rocks and climbed trees all the time.

Each summer we grew a year older. I'd write him and he'd write me back. We'd talk about how our plans when we grew up. I would write and tell him how I wanted to go to school, have a house and move to the city. We would be so happy.

His mother found the letters. She called my mom and being the town crier that she is she told everyone. My family cut our communication off. They no longer paid for my postage stamps. They cut off my phone. When he visited he was no longer allowed to visit me. We were torn apart.

I'd ask about him and was told to mind my own business. He'd ask about me and they told him I was a drug addict with like 5 kids by different men.

He went on with his life and so did I. I'd dream about him. I would think about him often. Eventually I got married and had 2 kids. I loved my husband but something was missing.

One day I got a Facebook message asking if I was so and so. I was floored. It was my second cousin. My lost love. I replied quickly. We corresponded often and spoke to each other daily after that first contact. We have this intense connection.

I divorced my husband and he was happy to move on. He wanted something more too. My cousin broke up with his girlfriend. I moved to the big city. We've been together ever since. Best decision I ever made.

My kids have better opportunities and have been exposed to so many awesome things in the city. They know about me and my cousin. They accept him. My ex husband comes up with his live in girlfriend to visit his kids. It wasn't always a smooth journey but I am happy to be with my love.

Every night we prepare for bed. I look at him and think how handsome he is. We are older now in our 40's. I don't want to spend another day apart. We worry about the stigma we face. We keep our secret and share only with a handful of people.

We are engaged and he asked me on top of Pikes Peak. He said if we can climb our mountain there is no mountain we can't conquer together. He is amazing.

Our families did tear us apart but they never tore the live that existed in our hearts or the memory of it.

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What a neat ending to your story and what a great beginning to a new and happy life!

If you have read enough on the boards you have learned that 2nd cousins are legal anywhere we know of.

As you said you are both old enough to make your own choices and no one has a say in your relationship.

It is great that your kids accept and even better that you and your ex have a " relationship" that you are both comfortable

with the situation that he visits with is SO.  Hope that came across right.  Children need both their parents in their lives

even if the parents can't be married.

Best wishes to you.

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it was a beautiful story. you should copy it and post it in a thread of its own... and register to the forum!

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I am new to this site...and have a story of my own which I will share when I feel ready. However, kissing cousin, your story is inspiring. I truly think love is blind, and never felt that way until I had my own experience. It makes me heart so happy to know the two of you are happily together, and I don't even know you! Best wishes.

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