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For Anyone that May Be Reading This:

I stumbled across this website last year, and I have to say that I am truly happy I found it. I have been somewhat nervous to post anything until now. I am ecstatic that I am not alone on these feelings towards a cousin.

My dad's sister's brother's sister's son (LOL, I know) and I found one another on Facebook a few years ago, after not seeing each other since we were 2 and 4 years old. I was adopted at 2 months old, by the family that I currently have. Now he and I are 27 and 29. We started chatting back and forth through wall posts, then we eventually moved our chats to text messages, then our text messages to video chats via Skype. We had an immediate connection;  I had never met anyone like him in my life. I wondered every day how something considered so "abnormal" and "inappropriate" and "disgusting" in other people's eyes, could feel so good to me. I constantly wondered, why would anyone want to take away this happiness that I was experiencing? We talked just as friends at first; because he was trying to fix his broken relationship with his now ex-girlfriend, and I was trying to work on a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. We were always supportive of each other, no matter where life took us. We talked for a year and a half, and we stopped talking shortly thereafter, because he wanted to work on mending the relationship with his girlfriend at the time. It hurt at first, but I accepted it, and I was okay with it. I moved on after a few months, and started online dating. None of these dates or men that I met were successful. I truly felt as if I was wasting my time. I decided to give it a break for a while, and then ...

In July of 2013, I went to my aunt's husband's family reunion, and he was there. We starred at each other every moment that we got, but we did not hold any full conversations, because we were nervous to finally see each other face to face. Ironically, during day 2 of the reunion, one of his teenage family members asked to use my phone, so they can call and ask him a question. I thought to myself, "You have to be kidding me? This child, asked me, out of all the people here, to call him and ask a question?" Of course after the call was finished, I contemplated all day and night about saving his number in my phone. Then I finally broke down, and sent him a text. He texts me back a couple days later, after the reunion was over, and we picked up right where we left out. Come to find out, he and his girlfriend officially broke up a year ago, and they just maintain contact for the sake of their 2 children. I told him that I was currently online dating on and off, and I actually had a date when I returned from California back to New Jersey. He was okay with this, and supported me in doing whatever it took to make me happy. Every time I would go on a date he would always tell me, "I don't know why you are dating that guy, when I'm the one you want to be with. You know you still like me." And as much as I tried to deny it, every bit of what he was saying was true.

He came to visit me in New Jersey, from California for the first time in December of 2013, for New Years Eve. It meant a lot for me for him to be there, because I had just finished dating someone for a couple months, that was emotionally and physically abusive. My cousin found out about this towards the end of our relationship, and he was about to literally confront this guy. Thank goodness, us both being Christians, just forgave him and moved on with our lives. After his trip to New Jersey, it has been continued history ever since.

He came to see me for my birthday in February, where he wanted me to have a birthday party, so he could meet all of my friends - so I did. Then he came again in March; on an overnight flight, and stayed just for 24 hours, because his boss would only give him a day and a half off. My friend's mom asked me, "Who comes to see somebody for just 24 hours?" And all I could think of was ... my best friend/my soul mate did that just for me, because he said he did not want to see me disappointed. During this trip, we were able to squeeze his first broadway play in - The Lion King, and our first Knicks basketball game. He came again in May, and we literally went all around New Jersey and New York and back again. I just came back from seeing my family and him in California for a graduation. And of course, of all the saved seats in the graduation, my mother happened to point him to the one right next to me. Ironic, I know. During my trip to California, my family started getting very suspicious of us constantly wanting to "hang out", and be together all of the time. My aunt and cousins would tell me "to make smart decisions" and not to rely on him too much. They saw the way I stood up for him, and he stood up for me. And many of my family members eventually asked, "Do you guys like each other?" and "Are you two dating?" Not with judgmental or worrisome faces, but they all began to ask. Of course I denied it, because he tells me he is not ready for us to tell our family because of what they may think. He also thinks that the mother of his children will take away his children from him if we are together. Which is another huge obstacle we are facing. His mother told him to get full custody, and he agreed with her. And the process of him and I moving in together is put to a standstill because of fear of what the mother of his children may say or do.

Nonetheless, my sister eventually heard about the fight that we got into with my aunt, and she told me to tell her the entire story, I was crying and shaking, and I eventually poured my heart out to my sister. She was accepting of me and my cousin being together at first, but when I returned home, she sent me texts saying "What you are doing is inappropriate."... "You know you have to end it." ... "You can find someone great outside of your family." Whenever the thought of ending things with him, seeing him with another woman, or losing him comes into my head, I literally get so depressed. I cannot imagine life without him. My life has been so much greater with him. He's my best friend, and my soul mate. I just want my family to see how truly happy I am when we are together. My friends all tell me how great we look together, how good we are for each other, and how I finally found "the one". I just wish my family could see it that way. I also finally told my mom as well, and she just started to cry. First time I ever made my mom cry like that before. This really made me feel horrible. My cousin called me and asked me if I told them everything, and then he proceeded to say, if I did or if I did not it does not matter now, because we are moving on from the argument that we had with my aunt and starting fresh with her. I agreed, and let him know that I love him for always standing by my side, no matter what. 

My mom told me that my dad and uncle would be hurt and angry if they found out. All I want to do is be honest with everyone. Then they could share our love, and see how powerful it is. I know that I can't force anyone to agree with what we are doing. But I wish that they could see that nothing is going to take us away from one another. My last night in California, he drove me around San Francisco, to see all of the sites. Never have I felt more comfortable and secure with anyone a day in my life. It just made me even more sure of how much I want to move there. Even if we could not live together right away, at least being in the same state would give us both solace. My mother told me that she does not want me to live that far, because if there is an emergency, she couldn't give to me in time. But I'm at the point in my life where I'm young, have a Masters degree in the field I love, currently have no children, ready for a change outside of New Jersey, and am definitely ready to take on the world.

Whenever we are together, it is truly like a dream come true. I never want to leave him. Because we are 3,000 miles from each other, it is starting to get harder and harder to be far away from him. He is coming to see me again in July, and I'm going back out to California to see him in August. These plane tickets to one another have been no easy task, but we save money and do it because we love each other.

My only question now is, where do we go from here when it comes to trying to get our family to understand our love? My heart is set on the fact that he is my soul mate, and I do not want to find anyone else. But I get sad when I look at the disappointment in the eyes of my mother. Then when I look into his eyes, everything is complete, whole, and happy again.

Thank you all so much for reading!  :azn:


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