• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
ElizabethMango

I don't know if I can go back to being friends with him.....

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

21 posts in this topic

I posted on this site before,  but I am not sure if my topic ever got published and I can't even remember what category it was in.  :tongue:

Basically, my best friend and first cousin (Dad's sister's son) have been on a bit of a friendship break (for unrelated reasons).  During our separation, I've come to realize that I have (and probably always have had) feelings for him.  We've been just about inseparable for the 21 years we've been alive.  I'm kind of devastated, truth be told, that I feel this way about him.  I don't know where to go from here.  Knowing what I know now, I feel like it will be incredibly difficult to reunite with him as "friends".  I don't know that he would ever feel the same way about me and I don't know if I could handle it if/when he got into a relationship.  He's always been single, so I've never had to face this issue.  I just don't know what to do or where to go with this.  I am glad I found this site, though, as I have nowhere else I can speak about something of this nature.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

why are you on a friendship break?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My guess is you slept together. Me and my cousin did the same and I hate the idea of him being with anyone else. We are still friends and email each other several times a week, I absolutely adore him but he says there is no future for us and he seems to have moved on. It's really hard to go back to just being friends. But we live thousands of miles apart. We took a friendship break and while we talk again now it's not the same and probably never will be and that makes me so sad as we get/ got along so well when we spent time together.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We're on a break because we were both dealing with some personal issues (not related to each other) and he felt like we needed some space.  And no, we didn't sleep together.  We've never been at all physical unless you count the odd hug once in a blue moon.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

what a quandary! my first instinct is to tell him how you feel, but if the only physical contact you have had is described as an "odd" hug once in a blue moon, that could be tricky!

but i think i'd at least drop a hint or two and see how he feels. ya never know.... you might end up inseparable for the rest of your lives!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC, he is someone who is very shy and timid, plus, hugs have never really been a part of that side of my family.  My other side is very touchy-feely, go figure.

I guess my biggest fear is losing our friendship if I tell him how I feel and having him freak out on me.  He's always been, despite our extremely close friendship, very quiet about his romantic feelings.  Like I said before, he's never dated and I only remember one time when he told me he liked someone (way back in middle school).

He keeps his cards close to his chest on that matter,  I'm afraid.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ElizabethMango

You have 2 options:

1.  You can reconnect with him and then see if there is potential for a romance between the two of you.

2.  You can keep quiet and wonder "What If" for the rest of your life.

The first option requires some risk-taking, but if it were me, I'd take the risk.  I waited more than 30 years for the love of my life and often wish I would've taken the risk a lot sooner.

You can not live your life in fear of rejection or of losing a friendship or relationship.  Life demands risk sometimes. 

Don't be too obvious or pushy at the beginning.  Go out for coffee, dinner, a movie, a walk in the park...you get the idea, and slowly get the ball rolling.  Maybe the sparks will fly between you two and maybe not.  But you'll never know if you don't put yourself out there.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Serendipity, if you don't me asking, when did you realize how you felt? What kept you from approaching your cousin about it?

One thing that has had me wondering, is why the secretiveness about his romantic feelings? We've talked about the craziest things and have always been open in just about every other area........but he has never talked to me about liking anyone, or wanting a relationship with someone.  Am I just getting suckered into wishful thinking?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I knew...we knew...as young kids (11/12 yrs old) that there was a special connection between us.  About 5 years ago we had a chance to explore the relationship and I chickened out.  Why did I chicken out?  Because I believed the social stigma that it was wrong to feel this way about your 1st cousin.  When we reconnected last year and we both knew that the feelings between us were as strong as ever, I knew that if I didn't take the chance I would wonder for the rest of my life if I had let a great relationship pass me by.  I suppose that I had lived long enough not to give a flying fig about what anybody else thought.

Some people carry their emotions close to the sleeve.  None of us can know what is going through your cousin's mind; we have never met him and cannot make any judgments in that area.  Are you engaged in wishful thinking?  I don't know!  I do know that unless an initial step is made, neither will you.

You've got to approach this like you would any other potential romance:  slowly.  You're a woman in your 20's and so you should have some idea about how to do this.  Taking the leap from best friend to romantic interest can be risky.  Sometimes the romance blossoms, sometimes you both realize that you're better off as "just friends" and sometimes you lose a friend in the process.  Are you willing to take the chance?  Whatever you do, don't let your emotions get ahead of you.  Be mature in the process and keep your emotions under control.  If you allow your emotions to take charge then you will not be able to look at things clearly. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ElizabethMango,

I've followed your situation a little, and, now, with a little more information, and comments from others, I'll give you my impression of what I think you should do about this. I think you should be completely honest with him. I don't know what the break is over, but whatever it is, it is becoming more stressful than the initial cause. I think it's time to call him up, or better yet, have some face time with him. I think you need to let him know that this break isn't working for you. You may as well use the old "If you weren't my cousin" line on him to try to discern exactly where he is emotionally with you. There may very well be the exact same feelings on his part. My impression from out here in the cheap seats leads me to three possible conclusions. #1) He's gay. Probably not likely, since if he were, as close as the two of you have been, you would have picked up on it by now. #2) He's asexual. A little far fetched, but definitely a growing trend. Certainly not unheard of. #3) He's waiting on the right woman. That very well could be you, in his mind. He may also be looking to find a woman as much like you as possible, because he sees you as unattainable, for whatever reason. The possible drama. Not thinking he deserves someone like you, etc. And, this could also include the possibility he is actually waiting for you. Waiting for you to put into words similar feelings. Waiting to get a little older than 21 before HE puts his feelings into words. At 21, you two are still young enough that there could be quite the poostorm if mutual affection on the level it would ultimately reach were to come out at this point. Not that they could stop you, but they could certainly say some less than savory things, as is too often the case. He may not be in for the drama, so, he holds his peace.

Of course, another conclusion is, he isn't as interested in you, as you are him. This could be the case, but, as a guy, I'll tell you, that unless he IS gay or asexual, the thought HAS crossed his mind. How long it lingered there, and if it's still there, is for you to set down with him and find out.

I'll also tell you a few notable quotes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Ye have not, because ye ask not. The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked. (Well, I don't TOTALLY agree with that one, I HAVE heard some pretty stupid questions in my time, but, you get the gist of it) You never know unless you ask. It is better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all. One from my GF when, early on, I though she was a little too good for me, she said one her Grandma told her. "The man who doesn't think he deserves you, is the one who does." I could probably rattle my brain and think of a few more along these lines, but it's getting well past my bedtime. You see where I'm going with this.

Even if he doesn't feel the same as you, don't look for him to get as weirded out about it as girls sometimes do when the roles are reversed. He will always be your friend. He is not likely to dwell on it to the point of freaking out. If he doesn't feel the same, he will most likely think "Well, THAT'S different...." then 10 minutes later be all "dum de dum dum" life goes on.

For now, I totally agree with Serendipity. You'll have to take this slow, like you would any other relationship. But, you have to take that first step to see if there can be a relationship. And, of course, you could, in the conversation, bring him here to the site, if things do seem a little mutual...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk, Serendipity,  I really appreciate your responses. :)

The break we've been on is because we both were having some troubles (not related to each other) and it was causing us to bicker a lot.  I felt it was best for us to have some time apart to work on ourselves, but I had no intention of the break being this long.

It's been too hard for me emotionally to be separated from him this long.

Hawk, why do you think he won't be as likely to freak out as say, a girl would?

I guess where I'm at is wanting to let him know how I feel, but being terrified of the possible repercussions.  I don't want a poostorm, as you said. :P

He's just so tricky to gauge because he is not someone who is very open about his romantic side.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Edit:I think maybe part of the reason why I wanted to take a break was because I was close to realizing how I felt about him and was running away from that realization.

Hope that makes sense.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk, why do you think he won't be as likely to freak out as say, a girl would?

Because, as a rule, guys are considerably less driven by emotions, and come at a situation from a more logical point of view. Like I say, GENERALLY this is the case. If he freaks out, it will more likely be out of fear of what family and friends would say, as opposed to what we around here call the "ick" factor. You know the whole "Ewww. How can you think that, we're cousins?" thing. He may actually say something like that, but it would most likely come from thinking about what others would have to say about it than you being creepy somehow. We see here more often where the girl is creeped out about it, (and at least early on doesn't think about what family would say, because they dismiss it out of hand over the "ick" factor) and the guy says "This is going to be more than the family will be able to handle."

In the case with me and mine, it was Cuz who thought of what family and friends would say. I could have cared less. Family would have actually not really been an issue, but, we weren't completely sure about that at the time. She was pretty sure, (probably rightly so) that friends would have had a cow over it, and got a lot of mileage out of it. Still, the major factor in her mind was the whole "But we're family" thing, but I didn't know that at the time. I didn't really care about that part of it either. I knew we were like siblings almost for several years, but also knew we were blood-wise actually second cousins, so, meh.  Like you two, we were close. Close in age, (one week) and for several of our formative years, proximity, as they lived across the street. And, at the time of our "moment", we were a year younger than you two. I suggested leaving here, and going to where her Dad lives. She doesn't remember me saying that, and said had she remembered it, would have seriously considered it. That's why I say you two should set down and figure out exactly where you are emotionally with each other. Talk it all out. Everything. Where you've come from, where you are, and where you go from here. Where there's a will, there's a way. If the will is there on both sides, there is always a way to make it happen.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ahhh, I see what you mean.

One thing that's added a twist to this whole thing is the fact that I cannot seem to get a hold of him.  He isn't responding to my messages, and I don't know why.

Last I tried to contact him (two weeks ago), I told him I wanted to get back in touch and that I missed him very much. I told him, leaving it rather ambiguously, that I care very much about him and I always have and that I'd like to have him back in my life.

Normally, I'd think a speech like this would have garnered a quick response from him,mbut he is nowhere to be seen.  I'm starting to panic a little and have been down in the dumps for days.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i hate to say it, but it sounds like he's just not interested in pursuing this romantically. i think it'd be a good time to take a deep breath and move on. your friendship can survive, but only if it's given the necessary room to recover.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You think so?  I didn't at all broach the subject of my feelings for him, I just tried to let him know that I care about him and miss him.

Do you think, perhaps, that he has already sensed I had feelings for him and is backing off because of it? Or am I reading into things too much?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it sounds to me like he's read between the lines and is backing off. sorry :(

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I suppose if that's how it is, I'll just have to try my best to move on.

I think, if this is the case, that this means I have probably lost his friendship as well.

That's life, I guess.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry, ElizabethMango. I hope that you get some kind of communication going with him once again. Hang in there.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that but i'm with LadyC, he probably is backing off. Give it time because you never know, he might just be able to kind of forget about it and you can still remain friends.

My cousin deleted me off fb but that was through embarassment and quite a long story but we still communicate now and again, so i'm lucky in that regard and you maybe too, just give it time  :smiley:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0