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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Its been years, and I'm torn

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ForYou    0

Hello all,

Its been a while since I came to this forum again, sadly. My cousin and I have, since many years ago, confessed our love to each other and taken our relationship to high levels. Intimacy, plans for marriage, talk of children: everything. I love, and have always loved, this man with all of my heart and soul. However, because our relationship is long distance, we've separated twice (and still are separated) because of my decision. He swore to never speak to me again because of all the heartache I caused him going back and forth with our love (and I don't blame him for a second). We've been separated for a few years now, but I could never shake that feeling.

Since then, I've had a couple one night stands and currently am with my 2.5 year boyfriend. The relationship I have now is borderline abusive (starting around ~8 months ago). I've been called every slur and dishonorable name that existed because of the one night stands I had (which I regret). I've been emotionally broken down, and have had a few physical encounters as well (nothing too damaging on my end). It is so hard for me to disconnect emotionally because I fell hard for my current boyfriend; we had a very deep relationship that was relatively functional up until the last few months. There's been talk of marriage and a future together (since I gave up on recognizing my cousinly love). Now that I am trying to leave, thoughts of my cousin keep flooding my mind.

My cousin has always been on my mind, ever since I broke up with him last. I kept trying to repress it. It still gives me butterflies to think of our first kiss 4 years ago. It is as if it happened yesterday. I still worry for my parents disapproving, I still have concerns regarding long distance. I worry he may not even feel the same after so much time and emotion passed. I cannot put any fears or emotions to rest. I feel as if I'm torn between a relationship I'm trying to save and push away from at the same time, and a relationship I'm forbidden to have that may not logistically work.

My cousin is 6-7 years older than me, and everything I'd ever look for in a man: patience, humor, kindness; a gentle soul. Its difficult to even type this out without becoming emotional. However I cannot deny my feelings for my current boyfriend either. Granted, the relationship has been through hell and back, but something is still there to make me last this long.

If anyone has any insight, please let me know. Being 21, I know my life is just starting. However my instinct now is to stay connected to someone and in a few years, settle down. I'm blinded by emotions that run too deep for me to drain.

Thank you for reading this in its entirety; I would wholeheartedly appreciate any feedback.

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Hi ForYou,

I'm so sorry that everything is so difficult in your life right now.

I'm the same age as you and trying to figure out what to do about my cousin as well!

For your sake, I think it's best you break up with this abuser and move on to greener pastures.  I'm sure it will be tough, but for your safety and well being, you need out of this disaster of a relationship.  No good man will ever treat you this way.

As for your cousin, you at least know he (at one point) had feelings for you.  If I were you, I'd contact him and let him know how sorry you are for the way things have been the last couple of years and that you'd like to at least be friends again.  I'd start with that and if things go well, maybe let him know thay you still care for him.

Best of luck. Sending peace your way hon. :)

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To be blunt, 1) first thing's first - before we get to the cousin, slam on the breaks with this abusive relationship, get out and don't look back. It doesn't really matter if "something is there" or not. And 2) don't attempt to rekindle a romantic relationship with your cousin until you no longer hold onto any feelings for this current boyfriend.

I would stay single for a while if I were you. A lot of things need to be sorted out that would only be unnecessary baggage in a relationship right now.

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Evongelo    0

Leave the abuser.  This is not some faze, it is the beginning of the future.  He will continue to treat you like this with increased severity. 

As for your cousin, contact him.  Tell him, "I was a young and emotional teenager who didn't know what I wanted.  My feelings for you were real, but I was fickle and we lived so far from each other and I threw out a good thing because of it.  I've matured since then, I've had experiences that have taught me the value of true love and what is important, and I now know I want you.  I'm still young, still uncertain about the future, and still unsure of what else I want, but I am confident in knowing that when it comes to companionship and love, there is one thing about which I am certain, and that's you." 

Obviously you use your own words, but essentially the point is that young people love hard, fast, and carelessly, and are quick to discard what an older and wiser person would cherish.  You have to make him realize that you are an older and wiser person now with at least regards to this.  If he is a logical and forgiving person he will understand, but you have to make sure you are sincere. 

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pepe    0

Don't even think about marrying an abuser. Don't think that you can change him because you love him. He needs to change because he loves you.

Give yourself some respect and stay single for at least 1 year. Be confident with yourself that there's someone special worth waiting for. You won't find it in a One Night Stand. After 1 year, you decide whether to connect again with your cuz.

Cheers! No choice but to rejoice!

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