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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Mary

5 year relationship...opinions/advice

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Ok let me start by saying this is the first time coming on this website for advice. I don?t really speak much of my cousin relationship, but I?m getting desperate for real opinions and advice. Basically I am coming to the point now where I want to get out of this relationship but I don?t feel strong enough to do so, I need to know whether its seems like I have good enough reasons to leave and I need help in order to get through it.

So I?ll begin my story which is going to be a long one?Me and my partner are first cousins we have been together now for 5 years I?m 24 and he?s 27 and most of our relatives/close friends know about us now it came out in the past year or so. I wouldn?t say people are happy about our relationship my family in particular are quite concerned however my mother has been quite understanding. My two closest girlfriends are very supportive and are in fact happy for me. Our relationship began after I had my first child aged 19, I had left the father who was becoming very abusive, at the time my cousin was supportive and protective which is what I needed as my daughters father would on occasions stalk me. Anyways I had a feeling my cousin had feelings for me or was at least attracted to me. He would make hints or say certain things?at the time I didn't know how I felt, I was just going through allot. Eventually I began hanging out round his place and that?s where we first kissed, it took a little while after that for me to feel comfortable to have sex with him?but I did and now it?s the most normal thing in the world to me. I don?t really refer to him as my cousin any more he is now my partner. Anyways we have been trough allot in this relationship, he was the first one to openly admit he loved me and eventually I said it back feeling of course worried about our future together.

Anyways we have been living together for the past two years now, before that we lived together of and on?I mean I would stay at his he would stay at mine. Now we live at mine with my daughter so it?s almost like a proper family unit, my daughter loves him and has said before that she wants him to be her dad?the strange thing is when we began our relationship we suggested that once my daughter began to speak we would stop seeing each over?this did not happen?.we also said we would prefer to break up than to have our relationship come out in the open once again this did not happen?we have just stayed together through allot.

So let me try to explain my major concerns. It feels as though me and my partner are going to be in this for the long run, I mean it?s been five years, people know about us and we live together!!  And we really do get on so well, he is my best friend and I?m his. Now here?s the concerns ?having children?!! And no I dont care about the risks I?ve done my research and that?s not the issue for me. In fact I bravely brought this up to him because he has no children so I asked does he want any and he said yes, I said would you like one with me he said ?no! ?Okay so I got emotional started crying you know it?s not something you would expect your long term partner to say. And what the hell does that mean? Like now what do I do now? I don?t want any more kids yet I was talking about the future because it looks like I?m going to be with this guy for many years to come?so yeah I think it?s time to start thinking big. 

Right other concerns?yes there?s more?I may have made the whole relationship sound strong and full of love but as much as we do love each over I don?t even know if he?s right for me. Here?s a list of things  I have accomplished over the 5 years of being together?went back to college, went to university got my degree started doing contracted work, secured a teaching job for September, fixed up my home, did driving lessons, been on a couple short holidays. Here?s what he has done? had one job quitted the first day, got a second one and got fired the second week because of his ignorance and been on one holiday with me. So yes he is unemployed, uneducated o and he doesn?t do much around the house he smokes weed every day, and he doesn?t speak much about sorting himself out. I do approach him about these problems but he thinks I?m having a go at him. Also I pay the bills and buy the food and he gives me money every now and then but it?s not really enough. He?s basically whatless but what I can say I love him still and I do have some faith that he may sort himself out one day.

I just don?t know what to do, my brain is telling me to leave but  my heart wants to stay, he really is a good hearted person who only has eyes for me, but why isn?t he trying to be a better man for me, so he can look after and spoil me. I don?t know what to do I just need advice and honest opinions please 

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Mary,

  THROW THAT BUM OUT!!!!!!

    He is using you.  As long as you act like a doormat, he will walk all over you.

    Your life is not a good example for your daughter:  You pay the bills and he basically does nothing. 

    What you have done for yourself is an excellent role model for your child except letting a man live from your work.  His behavior is abusive even though it is not open nor physical.

  I recommend a book:  NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter  Please get yourself a copy and read it as many times as necessary to learn how to have a better life.

  You cannot fix someone else, only yourself.  Kick him out - if that turns out to be the motivation for him to change, good but don't expect it.  His type usually just looks around for a new victim.

  Please keep us posted - we do care about you.

HUGS

Nat

 

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Hi Nat,

You response was just what I needed, almost like a wake up call. I did question myself before as to weather his ways WAS  abusive, but  you don't here much of it as its not psychical or verbal ect...

I honestly would love more advise on this and I most definitely will be purchasing that book. I will keep you updated...I want to kick him out but I'm wondering would it be a good idea to give him an ultimatum first, like fix up or your out of here. Or am I likely just wasting my time?  :(

Thanks

Mary

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Don't waste your time on an ultimatum - he needs a big shock - like all his belongings on the outside and the locks changed!!!!  Changing the locks could be vital.

Depending on your situation - moving you and your daughter out without a forwarding address might be a "nice" option!  lol

You are obviously going to have a very successful life = probably without him and possibly with someone who will truly be the mate you deserve.

Use the NP book to "brain wash" your head - in the clean, loving way.  I found that book in 1998 -  I have no count on how many times I've read it but I kept reading it until I "got it" = that took a good while but was absolutely worth it!  I am happier now than I've ever been in my life.

So plan on a  happy life for you and your daughter - without a freeloader cluttering up the premises!  lol

HUGS

Nat

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I have to agree with Nattanna.

He wants kids - but not with you?  He wants to live at your house and eat your food, but doesn't want to contribute equally to the household expenses?  This my dear is what we call a LOSER. 

You deserve better.  Your daughter deserves to see her mother being treated like a lady by her man.

He gets 24 hours to get his stuff and get out of the house.  After 24 hours, you change the locks on the doors and donate his stuff to the Goodwill. 

Be strong my dear.  This will not be easy.  It will be liberating. 

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He?s basically whatless but what I can say I love him still and I do have some faith that he may sort himself out one day.

Ah... Dang.

This sentence struck me.

I really cannot comment on this one. This is hard.

Pooch

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