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Evongelo

Are feelings for my cousin something I should explore or repress?

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I'm probably going to get long winded here and I hope someone takes the time to read it all.  I'm really glad I found this sight though, because other places just weren't cutting it.  A lot of ignorance exists on the internet.  I've already done a fair amount of research on this topic regarding legality, Bible, and genetics. 

My cousin and I are close.  We are two months apart in age and grew up together.  I was always at her house or she at mine and we were always together.  Most people can't see it, but she and I are so very similar on many mental and emotional levels.  We are so close it's like twins, where we can actually feel when the other one is in pain or stressed out or in a bad mood.  She and I have a sixth sense that seems to connect us. 

Growing up, we had a normal cousin relationship ( I think ).  We picked on our younger cousin/sister and annoyed the hell out of the older one.  We got into trouble together, played games together, got mad at each other, fought each other (physically), yelled at each other, tattled on each other, made up and were best friends again, etc etc.

Lately I've been having this feeling that has slowly gnawed at me over the passed year.  Her and I are 22 years old, and between the ages of 14 and 20 we hardly saw each other.  Our lives took different paths and we parted ways.  Since we've reunited I've started to notice things.  We talk about everything (relationships, desires, sex, love, etc), we want the same thing in a relationship and have the same expectations, we've both had hard times finding someone of quality (her more than I), and we're both horn dogs that tend to be motivated a little to much by sex (but I manage it better than she).  Just recently we were talking about this stuff and she said "we should just date each other".  It was a joke, but I think there may have been some seriousness there.

We've not talked about this at all.  It's just a feeling I have and I have suspected that she has it too.  It's just not something I want to have.  Our families are close.  My father and her mother are siblings and talk all the time.  We live in our home town and so does a lot of our family.  Her sisters are like my sisters, I don't have these thoughts about them and to try is gross to me.  It would be like trying to imagine your sister.  SO WHY IS IT DIFFERENT WITH HER?  We never kissed when we were little and I slept in the same bed as her when I was 12 and never felt anything.  The idea of being romantic with her never once crossed my mind at all!  I'm completely serious, hand to God honest about that.  So why now?

We have had some moments too.  We were lying on my bed and I was giving her a back message.  We were looking at pictures of dog breads that we like and would like to own, and I laid down next to her so I could see her phone better.  Without realizing it I had my arm around her, my leg on hers, our feet were touching, and a moment came when we caught eyes for a moment and our smiles kind of faltered cause you suddenly have that urge to kiss.  I ignored it though and looked back at her phone.  Since that night about two months ago this feeling that was in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore has been eating away at me more and more to the point where I am now on a cousin dating forum asking for advice on what the hell I'm supposed to do with this feeling.  The more I think about it (I hate to say it) the more perfect it seems.  Anyone in the family will say that she is very hard to get along with or even like sometimes.  She is who she is.  They will also say that I am the anti-her.  I've always had a special knack for countering or defusing her.  I swear if we were a normal boy and girl you'd say you found the perfect person.  Yet here we are: cousins......

I've noticed too that she went from being excited about seeing me to ignoring me and avoiding me.  We'll be talking, and I'll ask if she wants to come over for dinner, and she will ask what I'm having and say yes, and then the next day, txt me and say she got busy and can't come.  I can tell by her body language and her voice that she is not uncomfortable with me.  I was afraid of that at first.  I honestly think she might have the same feelings, and after that night I mentioned, started thinking about it more and is now trying to stay away from me a bit.  I don't blame her.  I could be wrong about this, but it's just another feeling or perception I am having.

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Hi Evongelo,

I read your story and laughed a bit because mine is very similar.

It's funny how you mentioned that if you weren't related, people would see just how perfect you are for each other.

From what I can see, it seems like she might very well have the same feelings towards you, but is afraid to show it.  It could be that she is either afraid you will freak out if she tells you, or afraid of how your family will react should you guys decide to pair up.

If I were you, I'd get her to come over and have a talk and let her know that you have feelings for her.  You could write it in an email or letter if you felt too shy in person. I wouldn't do it via text, as texting can seem impersonal and more, shall I say, "spur of the moment".  Whereas a letter or a face-to-face chat shows you're serious.

If you're anything like me, now that you know how you feel about her, you're not going to be able to go back to how things were before.  I don't know her, obviously, but she seems like she may be just waiting for you to say something first. 

Just my two cents.

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The issue for me isn't whether it is right or wrong but if it's smart to proceed with such feelings.  Is love the most important thing or is family?  Of course love isn't something you know for certain till you've tested the waters.  I love this cousin more than anyone else in my family, but to be in love?  I think that those feelings are only something that can be explored with deliberation, and there in lies the question: should I delve into these feelings with her or stay back.  What if she feels the same way, but the thought of going forward freaks her out and she responds with outrage over the suggestion?  How do I face my family when something like this comes out?  Damn it's like coming out of the closet lol!!!

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you are both adults. in my opinion, there's no reason not to pursue this and see where it leads. your family will get over it... and even if they don't, it's not their life to live, it's yours and hers. family members often try to blackmail (financially or emotionally) their adult children to get them to do what the parents want. but MOST parents love their children unconditionally, and sooner or later will accept their adult children's choices, even if they disagree.

i think the reason parents do this (and i speak as a parent) is because we spend our lives guiding our children, protecting them from harm, and trying to help them make wise choices.... and as parents, it's HARD to let go. we're scared our kids will crash and burn! we've spent so many years being in control that we simply do not know how to stop, and how to trust that we did a good job teaching our kids to make the right choices.

so try to understand where they're coming from, but remember that it's a healthy thing for both you AND for them for you to cut the umbilical cord and make your own choices.

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Those are some solid words.  I guess my continued concern is how she could react, how that would make me look if it went wrong, and if it went right, what that would do to the family.  My family has a tendency to be judgmental and nosy.  I care about family and unity, and doing something that would certainly tear us apart seems selfish and self centered on my part, especially when it's just about some feelings I could just repress instead.

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I would agree with a lot of the things LadyC said, however, only you can decide what's worth or not worth doing.

I totally understand your fears of telling your cousin and (for lack of a better term) having everything go to hell in a hand basket.  That's part of why I've been essentially hiding out from mine.

That being said, you are an adult and it's your life and love here at stake.  If you want to repress your feelings, do it.  If not, well, it's going to take some courage, and if things work out, it might very well be worth it in the end.  Again, that's just my perspective.  You gotta do what you feel is ritht for you.

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I've already found some other things on this sight about dealing with family, but while I have an active thread I'll ask: can anyone share any personal stories about family and being accepted (or disowned)?

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mine really isn't very interesting. we both thought everyone in the family would object (and even disown us).... and yet nobody had a problem with it. our fears were just that.... fear.

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yours is similar to mine.he is 25 n i am 23.jst go ahead and cnfess it.if u really feel that she is the only one perfect for u.

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