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mikejward

2nd cousin relationship problems

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16 posts in this topic

Okay so here's the situation, I am a 23 yr old male in love with my 16 yr old 2nd cousin. We've been secretly dating for about 2 months now and I'm sure I love her but I'm not very comfortable with our age difference and the fact we're related. But I know I would love to have a future with her which is saying a lot because I've been in many relationships but I've never been in one where I felt completely happy and could actually see myself being with that person for a very long time! I feel as if we were meant to be, But I always feel wrong with me being the adult and all because most people would look down at us and though she say she loves me I can't help but feel uncomfortable about a lot of things. Lastly, we're currently not together (5 days and counting) for a mixture of reasons of some she probably don't know one being age and others relationship problems. She had a none sex but a small sexual thing that went down with one our cousins, and though it's in the past I can't help but feel she still have a thing for him mainly because how they interact. She says she never liked him but she also said she thought she did which now puzzles me, with me already being uncomfortable about us being related and her age I decided to end us for awhile so I can think on what I should do next. I never been jealous till us, and now it's becoming a problem because she probably really don't like him and all of it could be in my head. We planned to be a military family when she turns 18 so we can travel the world and be happy, just us and perhaps a kid or two but I can never get myself past the jealousy and suspicion of her and our cousin and also me being uncomfortable about her age and our family.....need advice!

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you're right to be bothered by the age difference. listen, 7 years is not a big deal when she's 25 and you're 32. but at 16, that age difference is HUGE!

do you remember what it was like when YOU were 16? barely able to control your hormones, let alone your emotions? you weren't ready to settle down. you had some growing up to do. those teenage years were a time to learn HOW to have relationships.... and you learn by trial and error.

that's where she is now. she's just now learning what relationships are about. she needs a few years to grow and learn how to handle her emotions and her hormones. being second cousins really isn't an issue. that's too distantly related to cause any moral, legal or religious dilemma.  your jealousy and suspicion about her and other guys, whether it's that previous dalliance she had with another cousin or not, IS an issue... because it goes right back to the fact that you KNOW that she's not mature enough to commit herself to a relationship.

of course, there is also the fact that at 23, you're still learning your way around adulthood also.... and being jealous of something that happened in her past is an area you need to grow and move beyond.

leave her alone for now. she's still a child playing dress-up, in a sense.... a girl on the verge of womanhood stepping into shoes that are too big for her feet yet.  and in many states, she's still jailbait, too. maybe in two years you can try again with her... she'll have had a little time to grow up and get used to having relationships. but even that may be too soon.

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Despite knowing how she feels and I myself? I mean I get what you're saying and I also agree with most but we'll both be heart broken and sad once it's actually official. When it comes to her age and mines one things for sure and that's our wisdom gap which is very slight. About her being jail bait, our age of consent in our state is 16 so no worries there. I know I shouldnt continue for many reasons but I doubt it'll be easy plus there's the possibility we'll find someone else and miss out on what could of been. Maybe I'm right maybe I'm wrong but I'm almost certain we'll be letting go of something good, on the other hand she's still young and most things you said or true but we're positive we care deeply about each other. So I think I'll do a little more analyzing about this situation and talk to her about my doubts and worries. Thanks a ton for the advice

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Just remember~~ if it is meant to be it will.

Don't make any rash decisions yet. Give both of you time to grow.

It took me and my cuz/hubby (second cousins) 38 years to get together.

Both of us met and married others (more than once) and had families.

I know this is not what you  want to hear, but at this time the age difference is huge and neither of

you know what the future will hold. Don't live your life  or hers playing the "what if..." game.

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Thanks for the helpful advice. You're right its just me also being young and knowing how life can be I go by the quote "live life with no regrets". Life is short so i try to do just that. I guess patience is the key in this situation. Hopefully we'll make it through this dark era because we both will be very hurt and depressed seeing other people, she REALLY makes me happy and brings much needed joy to my life because before her I had little that made me happy, she was the one thing that brought me joy but it's clear what I must tho though even I preached that age was just a number at one point. Thanks again for your awesome advice.

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part of living life with no regrets means having the patience to wait until the time is right. there is something you need to face and acknowledge... and that is this...

as much as you risk one of you finding someone else if you put this relationship on hold, you run a much BIGGER risk of this ending badly if you don't. at her age, the odds of you two staying happy together are stacked astronomically against you.

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But how can one be so sure? The what if game can go in two directions. I understand the situation completely, but me being an logical thinker I doubt all females her age are the same, matter of fact she's very mature for her age. Lots of Women my age act 16 still, humans are different and no ones the same, so who really have the perfect answer? What if she was 21 and I posted this? But the catch is she acts 16, well in this situation she's 16 but acts at least 20 I would say . She's very mature and I'm well aware of statistics but I only feel uncomfortable with her age because of what others would think not her maturity level. So I came to the decision to still take a break but not mainly because of her age, it's because I'm unsure of how I want to go about us with my jealousy and my suspicions...if everything checks out okay we'll just have a platonic relationship until I'm 100% comfortable with everything.

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that's the same illogical reasoning i've heard from a million guys in your situation. "she's very mature for her age". trust me. she's not. just because women your age are stupid and silly and irresponsible doesn't make a sixteen year old mature enough to handle the weight of a long term commitment.

do as you want, i'm not going to try to convince you. i don't need to. you've already expressed twice in  this thread that you have serious doubts because of her age. bottom line is you know she's not ready. you are stepping on board a train that is headed for a collision and you're so hooked you won't stop it, even if it means knowing that you will both be hurt in the end.

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That's true you don't, but thanks a million for even responding, most people would have gave up on me. We both know ima do what I feel is best but I really take you guys answer to heart so even if you don't have to convince me thanks for even replying and trying. Only a long talk with a psychologist can say for sure where her minds at and yeah they can use the word typical but trust me when I say I'm not like other guys lol please! With that being said I know what she's like. She has those teen like ways but she may be more ready for something long term than me. Sorry but ima idealist so my views won't change. Every guy who says that can't be wrong.... all I'm saying is it's illogic to assume all those guys were wrong, even if I'm wrong one can't assume all teens are not capable of not being in a long term committed relationship. I also can't convince you. But I'm here for advice so I can't argue but I can disagree even if this specific female isn't ready. Either way I have to make the adult decision to wait till she's at the ideal age just to be on the safe side so again thanks.

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You keep saying that you know that the age thing is big and you will wait.

Then you tell us how "mature" she is.

I think in the end you will do what ever you want in pursuing this relationship. 

I can't and wouldn't and won't argue.  I just feel you are looking for justification to go ahead.

I hope you make the right choice for all involved and you don't  get on the track for that train wreck.

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I only think it's a big deal because it's a similar feeling to how I feel how people look at us being related.... they wouldnt understand. But if you think I will crash and burn cool, but everyone on this cite took a risk by dating family so we all have a chance to crash and burn. I'm not looking for nothing but advice which you all gave so please leave it there and not down talk me about and tell what mistakes I may make because as I said in most these peoples situation how there family look at it they also made a so call mistake.

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we're not talking down at you. we're being realistic. you aren't talking about 'dating' a cousin, you're talking about having high hopes and expectations of making a lifelong commitment with someone who is only 16. not only is it unrealistic, it's simply not fair to her. if you want to pursue it, just do so with the awareness that it is unlikely to last.

but if you WAIT, and give her time to date around and learn what being in a relationship entails, you'll have a lot more chances of having a successful life with her a few years down the road.

true love waits, dude.

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Basically, the problem here is not at all the fact that you're cousins, of course. It's the fact that she's a sixteen year old. Call her mature if you want but I'll bet that she will be a whole lot different five years from now. This girl still has as lot of growing up to do.

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As LadyC said we are not talking down to you.  Our lifetime experience is where we are coming from. Having been 16 years old at one time

and having both had 16 year old daughters, we have experienced from both sides. Least of our worries is the cousin factor.

My cuz/hubby tells me he asked me to marry him when I was 17 and I told him no. I honestly don't remember, but I can tell you it

had more to do with the fact that I was being a teenage girl. School, friends, etc. and I wasn't interested in any long term committment.

Nor was I mentally ready for that either..

We were 13 and 15 the first time we met. Him being older. Both "old" and in our 50's when we got married.

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ya know, i have a daughter who is four years older than you. i love her dearly. she's an awesome person, and has accomplished a LOT. she served our country in iraq as a Marine. she married another Marine. she has a college degree. she's a small business owner and the president of her local chapter of small business women.

and yet she gets extremely frustrated because of the demands of being a wife and mother. she's great when she is pursuing her dreams, accomplishing her goals... but take her out of that element and expect her to buckle down to the daily grind of changing diapers, fixing dinner, doing laundry, scooping litter boxes, and she falls apart.

now i'm not saying your 16 year old girlfriend will struggle that much with the domestication of married life, and i'm not saying that you are talking about marriage right away. but the point i'm making is that long term commitments come with heavy responsibility. and the younger a girl is when she starts feeling suffocated by responsibility, the harder she's going to run when she gets the chance.

i have another daughter also... she's three years older than you. she fell in love at 16. she was pregnant by 17, got married in high school. they got divorced last year, but reunited shortly after the divorce is final. boy, she ran HARD for a while. it took them divorcing before they could put their family back together... and she's the exception, not the rule. most divorces don't end up reunited. they are expecting their third child later this summer.  i'm sitting here asking her for her perspective, and whether she'd give this a thumbs up or down. she's shaking her head and saying NO NO NO! for all of the same reasons that have been stated above.

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