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Where do I go from here...

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Half a year ago my cousin and I had a ?fallout?, we went from hanging out every other day to her dropping all contact with me. It was quite possibly the most difficult time of my life. I loved that girl more than anything; I couldn?t wrap my head around how/why she could do this to us over a misunderstanding. I was miserable from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, with her on my mind the whole time. I was depressed; I abused alcohol and partied way too hard to get her off my mind. But nothing worked. After considering suicide multiple times I decided enough was enough, I removed every trace of her from my life. Within a month I was feeling so much better.  She was still on my mind but the emotional pain wasn?t nearly as severe.

Fast forward two months, I have a girlfriend who is everything I always wanted in a woman and I love her dearly. About three weeks ago, to my shock, I come home to find my cousin at my place. She proceeds to breakdown and apologize about everything that had happened, that she missed me and just wanted things to be normal again.  We embraced and I forgave her, but told her that I had a serious girlfriend now so we couldn?t go back to the way things were. She seemed?disappointed, she kept asking if I liked her and other questions like that. I got a subtle hint of jealousy in her voice. Shortly after, she got a boyfriend, who has a striking resemblance to me.

Nowadays we do things as couples, dinner dates, movies etc?it?s an odd feeling for sure. Sometimes we talk to each other more than our respective partners. We aren?t nearly as close as used to be, and most likely never will. I think she knows she blew it?and is now regretful but at least we get to see each other. We still exchange the occasional glance and smile, especially when we?re drunk, but we restrain most our feelings.

Here lies the problem. I?m still madly in love with her. I love my current girlfriend a lot. She?s perfect for me; the best girl I?ve dated by far. But I don?t have that same feeling with her like I had with my cousin, and I hate it that I can?t have it with the current. Reading from stories on here?it seems nobody gets over it, even after 30 years. She?s still on my mind, nearly every day(obviously I?m still lingering around this site), sometimes I reminisce about the good times we had and get so overwhelmed with emotion. What should I do guys? Stay with my current girl or try to rekindle the relationship with the cuz? The relationship with the cuz was the most amazing/most miserable feeling in my entire life. Such a rollercoaster. It changed me permanently as a person, almost like a blessing in disguise.

What should I do guys..

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Bachelor, 

It wasn't with my Cuz, but I did the roller coaster thing for 20 yrs. Now I have a new woman too, who "I've fooled around and fell in love" with, as the song goes. I had no intention of ever letting another woman so close to me. It was a cynical view, and, while I never got as depressed as you were, my cynicism fed my anger, and vice-versa. Let me put it to you this way: I will NEVER do a roller coaster ride again. EVER. Life is too short. I'm quite content on the old "Lazy River" raft ride now. It's so relaxing, I'm just now really starting to appreciate it. We've been together 9 months as of yesterday, and not once have we raised our voices to each other, or had the first argument, more less a fight. While it was WAY soon after my divorce, I realized quickly this woman is special. I knew there were girls out there like her, but figured they would never give a guy like me the time of day, and I would go from one woman with issues to the next, or, (as I planned) be alone. I mentioned this to her, and she quoted something her Grandmother told her once: "The man who doesn't think he deserves you, is the one that does...."

I'd encourage you to get to where me and my Cuz are. We see each other when we can. We enjoy each others company. We have been, are, and always will be, each others' favorite cousin. We had our chance, and it didn't happen. We didn't go for it, like you and yours didn't. It matters not WHY it didn't happen, it just didn't. You move on with the woman who is everything you could ask for, and don't get on the rails of the roller coaster headed right to the trainwreck.....

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Hi Bachelor,

I feel for you big time man. *virtual hug*

Cousins, as tons of people here seem to point out, are really really tough to get over.  I wonder if part of it stems from the fact that you have that family "till death do us part" bond with them already.  Anywho, I think it truly is up to you what road you take in this situation.  There are pros and cons no matter which choice you make, it's really just a matter of which ones you can live with, in my opinion.  Hypothetically speaking, if you were to dump your current gf tomorrow and call up your cousin wanting a relationship, what's the most likely progression of events? Like, will you end up together for a short time, but end up clashing so much the relationship falls apart anyway? Or do you actually stand a chance of working things out and having a healthy partnership? Do you see what I'm trying to get at?

If you guys had clashing personalities before being together, getting into a relationship ain't gonna change anything. However, if you really feel that you can't go to your grave without knowing you tried, I think you should at least consider sitting your cousin down for a good long talk about where you guys stand.

If you end up not dating, it might be a good idea to set up some boundaries so as to avoid any potential future "messes".

Just my two cents.

Wishing you well and sending peace your way. :)

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Thanks for the replies guys.

Hawk, sage advice as always.  I just wonder, how can you and your cousins still be ?just friends? and nothing more? I thought I could do the same with my cousin, and usually when we?re around eachother, there?s other people around, so there?s no temptation. But when it?s us two alone, HOLY HELL it?s like a wave of all kinds of feelings come crashing into me all over again, so much so that I have to remove myself from the situation for fear that I will do something I?ll regret later (ie cheat on my current gf with her).  When she?s not around, her memory fades to the back of my mind, but as soon as she shows up it?s wide open throttle of emotions. I still, STILL, catch myself being jealous when I see her and her boyfriend get close, or kiss, or tease eachother. I get along with the guy, but he is a bit of a douche. Pardon my French. I will say this, even though I miss her still, I am a much happier person today with my current girlfriend and I intend to keep it that way.  Like you said, we had our chance, it didn?t work, and now we?re moving on.

ElizabethMango, *virtual hug*. There?s so many unknowns, we?re both in relationships now so it?s near zero probability that we?ll ever get back together.  When we were ?together? it was tumultuous time. We never discussed ?us? we were both afraid of what the other would say. But we knew we loved eachother, we did all the things a regular couple would do, we just never gave it a label. We got along great, never argued?we clicked so well. My current gf and I fight like cats and dogs but that?s beside the point.  It was just the stress, the guilt, the sneaking around, the outside pressures of people asking questions, it became too much for me. I could never know what was gonna happen next, it was very unpredictable. We?d be doing great, then she?d stop talking to me suddenly (most likely running from her feelings). Then when we had our falling out, everything fell to pieces.  I do like your idea of a long talk to air everything out. There?s so much pent up feelings I have that I want to smooth over with her. No matter what happens, she?ll always be my favorite cousin and I?ll always love her. 

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Bachelor,

You set your mind to do it, realizing there will never be what could have been.

After I was divorced, there were a couple girls riding the Harley with me. One was Cuz's Sis, and the other I affectionately call "The Blonde." When they met the girl I'm seeing now, they both said "You'd better not let that one get away." When "Sis" said it, I said "I'm nowhere near ready. The ink isn't even dry on the divorce papers yet...." and she repeated it again. The Blonde said pretty much the same thing. When Cuz met her, SHE said the same thing.

Cuz and I love each other very much. Enough to be happy to see the other one happy. We know we will never be together. So, we really have no choice but to be happy for each other. It is a little lopsided I guess, because I know she isn't as happy as she deserves with the guy she's with. Nobody likes him, but, he's never been anything but nice to me. If he's an a$$hat, he's her a$$hat, and she gets to deal with it. If she gets tired of it, he can be someone else's a$$hat. Until that happens, I'll be happy that she's happy, at least enough to stay with him.....

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