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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest efrain69

Advice

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My second cousin and I we're going out for almost 3 years. Nobody knew or knows about it. We broke up yesterday because she feels tired of having to pretend there's nothing going on. We live together with her family. She was a virgin before me and feels bad that when her mom talks about her being a virgin to other people it's a lie. She doesn't regret what we had and I'm sure there's still feelings of love between us. This whole relationship started one night when I slept over before I started living together. We were talking and she confessed her feelings for me. I then told her I feel the same and we then became a couple. I'm looking for advice on how to possibly explain the situation to her family about our feelings. I'm fine with what we had but she broke it off because even though she wants to be together she feels she can no longer pretend nothing is happening. Things are now weird between us. Help please!

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My second cousin and I we're going out for almost 3 years. Nobody knew or knows about it. We broke up yesterday because she feels tired of having to pretend there's nothing going on. We live together with her family. She was a virgin before me and feels bad that when her mom talks about her being a virgin to other people it's a lie. She doesn't regret what we had and I'm sure there's still feelings of love between us. This whole relationship started one night when I slept over before I started living together. We were talking and she confessed her feelings for me. I then told her I feel the same and we then became a couple. I'm looking for advice on how to possibly explain the situation to her family about our feelings. I'm fine with what we had but she broke it off because even though she wants to be together she feels she can no longer pretend nothing is happening. Things are now weird between us. Help please!

Its obviously a tricky situation your 2nd cousin is in having to lie about being a virgin lol      Maybe you could drop little hints to her family, like isn't my cousin (gorgeous, pretty, beautiful) or whatever & if she wasn't my cousin although she is, i would definitely date her.  Those are a few suggestions but hinting to her family is a start. You could come up with your own ideas on how to hint them, if you agree with me :smiley:

Hope that helps you out a little.

nessa76

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efrain69,

I suppose it depends on how old the two of you are as to how I would tell you to proceed. Second cousins are legal to marry anywhere. You didn't mention it, and I won't either, but, I took the liberty of looking to see what State you are in, and there, even first cousins can marry. So, you can tell her there isn't anything legally stopping the two of you, unless you, her, or both are underage. I do get the impression you're fairly young, and these sort of situations are why I encourage our younger members to not get overly physical until they are older. Tell us your ages, and we'll try to point you the right direction from there.

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Well I'm 22 & she's 19. She lost her virginity to me last year. We have had break before for the same reason that lasted about a month or so. We ended back together and now would be the second time we've broken up for the same reason. I explained to her I'm against the break up but I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy so I agreed to it.

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Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely going to put it into consideration and maybe even try it at some point. It's tough for me because I know her mother & one of her brothers would probably rage over it if they were to find out (even though we're currently separated). There's people from my side like my mother & maybe my father who would disagree. I have a cousin and uncle that have suspected and even said the don't really care if that is the case since we're second cousins and the relation is very small.

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Update: I was away this whole weekend from the house until tonight. She seems to be acting like it's nothing but then again she has always been a good actor. When I see her I get a pain in my stomach because I know of our situation. I spoke to one of my uncles about his views on cousin couples. He immediately asked if this was about my cousin & I. I said yes but told him I have considered it so far. He seems to view it as something he wouldn't object to. We had a whole conversation about it & he's told me he even knows some cousin couples. Some of which are married with kids. That made me feel a bit better but I still worry about if I was to have the conversation with our families. I don't want things to get to where we have to be away from each other. But I do want to discuss it so that it can get out in the open and she can feel she no longer would have to pretend.

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I can understand her frustration at the secrecy. When you are in a relationship you want to tell the world!  I would have a talk with her. Find out if she wants to continue seeing you. Make it clear that you are also tired of the secrecy. If she really digs you and wants to continue, devise a plan for telling people - a plan you both agree to.  She was quite young when you two started up and probably really fears her parents reaction. Bring her to this site. Maybe seeing other people in the same situation will help relieve some of her fears.

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Thanks for the advice. I'll have to find a time to discuss it with her. I feel she still does genuinely want to but we're not right now because she can't take the secrecy & fears her parents will go to the extreme and split us apart.

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Efrain69, I totally understand you wanting to be out in the open as a couple, and I also understand your cousin wanting to keep things under wraps because she fears her parents reactions. She is 19, which even though is technically an "adult", it's still young enough that you're kind of living under your parent's rule somewhat.

You said your uncle seemed alright with the cousin-couple scenario. Do you think that in time, the family members who would object could perhaps come around, or at least not make a big stink about it? Or do you think it might permanently divide the family?

Also, I agree with the idea of bringing her here if she is okay with it. It might help ease her fears to see other people in the same situation.

But dang, 3 years "in the closet"? How on earth did you pull that one off? :)

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Efrain69, i have been also seeing my cousin (note:first cousin) for around 8 years now.. and we always had the same reason for break ups like you do. Tell her that everything will be fixed as long as some of your relatives doesn't mind. Well, we are not the same in that situation that someone in the family seems to not mind you guys being together. I hope you convince her and choose what makes you happy..

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It was insanely tough. We had to be so low key about everything that we really were only able to do anything like hold each other, kiss at night. But it hasn't been easy. People speculated, we denied. The secrecy isn't something we like so as of right now we're still separated. I'm genuinely hoping that isn't permanent however. I wanna show her this site. The problem is I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.

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You could tell her you have something you want to show her, or could send her a link to the site.

It had to have been so painful for both of you to have to hide your love from your family. Usually, we want our families to know the most when we're in love.

Part of me wishes things were still like the old days and it was socially acceptable to be in love with your cousin. I read about it all the time in old books and they talk about it like it was no big deal!

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Jynx,

Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry your family doesn't agree but I do hope in time they come around to accepting it. Congrats on your relationship. (^-^)

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Elizabethmango,

It was painful. It sucks because we had a great relationship. The only thing that ended it was the fact of secrecy. I honestly hope we do get back together soon. I will definitely not give up on her. I'll have to find a time but I will tell & show her this site in hopes it helps us get back together.

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Update: We spoke, we live in the same house so it is a bit weird I think but she says we're not gonna get back together, that she doesn't harbor any feelings for me anymore in that way. I know it's gonna take a while to get over but to be perfectly honest, I highly doubt I'll see any other girl the way I see her.

She was & still is the only girl I wanna be with. I'll always have her back no matter what. If she needs anything or is in any situation, needs someone to talk to, I will ALWAYS be there for her. I just hope she knows that and appreciates it.

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She doesnt know what she is losing. Efrain69, she is soooo lucky to have someone like you. Well, unlike me, im kinda losing hope..my cousin love is somewhat losing his interest and has no plans of fighting for our relationship..because he seemed different this past few days..

i hope she will realize how much she lost when she told you she doeat hav feelings for you anymore..

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I appreciate the insight & compliments jynx. I'm sorry about your current situation. If more people fought for their happiness rather than stood quiet to avoid social stigmas we probably wouldn't be in our current predicaments. Hopefully it works out for both of us.

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Very sorry to hear that, efrain69. I admire your love for her, and I hope in time she will realize just how precious a person you are. Such a selfless love. I think time is still on your side, since she has yet to marry and likely will be so for many more years. :") You two are still so young! Don't give up just yet!

I will also learn from your experience, and take it real slow with my cousin, who currently has yet to enter college. I haven't revealed my feelings to her, since it's still a bit confusing for me myself, but I know that it's better to wait until she has more autonomy before embarking on such a rollercoaster ride.

Good luck! Please update us on future development!

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Carthapango,

Taking it slow is a good idea. I appreciate that you see my love for her is genuine. Just take your time. There's no need to rush into a relationship. I went into mine fully knowing the possible consequences. I think she may have to but wasn't ready to deal with that kind of pressure. Knowing the slightest slip up could throw everything downhill. With your cousin just take it slow. Come out to her about your feelings when you feel she can handle it rather than feel weird or make a fuss about it. Based on what you said I'm assuming she's pretty young so there's definitely time for everything to come together. I wish you the best. (^-^)

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Just a update guys. So there's times it's hard to deal with us being separated, & other times where it's easier to deal with. Usually I feel it more when her mother keeps talking about how she can see her with this guy, or that guy or pretty much any guy she sees her around. Her mother has been pushing her to try & get into a relationship for the longest already.

All in all that's when our separation bothers me the most. I still treat her the same pretty much. Always get her what she wants, what she needs & she still means the world to me. There are times I question if she's really over me the way she says she is. Mainly due to the fact that there's time I'll grab her rear, or put my hand up her shirt & she'll let me. & there's other times she'll push me away or push my hand away. So confusing. What do you guys think?

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