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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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carthapango

[Meta] What if your cousin reads the same thread you wrote about them?

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Hi everyone, I have been lurking this board on and off for a few years. Thank you so much for sharing the stories of your lives. They give me hope, and strength, and confidence in an uncertain future.

Now that my cousin is about to go through an important milestone in their life, we have gotten closer (mostly from my initiative.) But I cannot help but wonder if sharing one's story on this board can have a drawback of some kind. Your cousin is very likely to stumble upon the same thread that you create on this board, and, judging from the level of details that many people go into in sharing their stories, it should not be hard for someone to tell if a story is about themself. I personally am not ready to discuss my feelings with my cousin, who I reckon will need my close support  the near future. I do not want to distract them with what can potentially be an emotional quagmire.

Have you shared your story here, hoping to get a private food for thought, only to have your beloved cousin read it and realize what's going on in your mind?

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Well one rule of thumb is NEVER to use their actual name (make it up) in other words. Sure its a good sign anyway for the other cousin to be reading posts on this site, even if its just out of curiosity  :laugh:

Seriously though, not using their actual name gives stealth to ones identity and its respecting the other (cousin) their privacy also but i can't see it being a big issue anyway to discuss concerns etc... on an open forum such as this one :smiley:

Nobody knows the cousins that are mentioned on here other than the one posting anyway so thats obviously a plus. Worse thing would be to put pics up of cousins but only if its without their permission to do so.

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I have never given many details other than he lives far away and our ages and we're both single. I don't know why anybody would share everything unless the cousin knows.

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I sincerely doubt my cousin has ever been or will ever come across this website. 

In a perfect world, he'd stumble across this place, see my post, know it was me, and respond with a confession of his own...........But that's not likely to happen, so go figure. :P

Even if by some stroke of luck he came here, I don't think he'd have any clue that it was me and that I was writing about him.

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carthapango,

This was vaguely a concern of mine when I first came here. My second post, without mentioning names, pretty much described our situation to where, had she seen it, she WOULD have known it was me. She's a very private person, and I always assumed she would not be overly thrilled I was here, speaking so freely.

I've never really worried about what people said about me, they don't pay my bills, or hold me down to tickle me and make me happy. That's my responsibility. She on the other hand would have a cow if it became much more common knowledge than it is, just how close the two of us were, considering how close we were "before" and are now. She doesn't deserve the drama, so, I didn't want it to be drama for her.

A couple months before I became a Mod, we were out one night, I ended up driving her home, and we aired it all out. During the course of that convo, she mentioned a couple of the common misconceptions about cousin couples. When she did, I had her log online, and come here, to the "main page" of the site. I showed her the genetic information section, the religion section, and so on, and educated her on facts she had never heard before. Even with her being a highly trained, very competent medical professional. But, genetics not being her forte, she just didn't know. As the conversation progressed, some matter came up which I don't recall, and I had her log back online, and pulled up the forum. I showed her around. I figured she would be extremely p*ssed I was here, but I told her "Ok, See where it says 'Hawk' there?" She said "Yyyeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh". I said "That is me. I found this place, and, even though we'll never be together, I've stuck around to give the younger members my 'broken record speech' ". She said "And that would be.....???" I said, "Basically, stay in school, keep it on the down low till you are out and on your own, then when you're ready, go for it and don't let anyone stop you." She didn't speak, but got a little misty eyed, and nodded in agreement. Later, when I was asked to be a mod, before I accepted, I asked her blessing (not really permission) on it. I told her if it was not within her comfort zone for me to be so involved, I would respectfully decline. She said "Is it something you want to do?" I said "Yeah, for a couple reasons." She said "If it's something you want to do, then do it." So, here I still am.

I know she comes here, but I'd dare say it's been quite some time since her last visit. I don't push her for information as to her lurking here. She may come here every day for all I know, but I seriously doubt it. I am reasonably confident that I give no advice she would not agree with. She has probably looked at some of my post, agreed, and left it at that.

Had I not brought her here and showed her this place, she would have never known. I have never mentioned her name, and only in a veiled comment to another member who's member name is the same as my IRL name, have I referenced mine. Some of the other mods and admins know it, but I don't think all of them even know it. The good thing about this site is the anonymity of it. Had my Cuz stumbled in here, and saw my thread, she would have known it was me. But, by the same token, I've read a couple stories that have uncanny resemblances to mine. Had she wrote one from her perspective, I'm not sure I would know 100% for sure it was from her. Basically, if you don't mention names or post pics, it would be hard to tell for sure. 

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Thank you so much for your replies! I appreciate them a lot, and it is true one can never be sure reading nameless stories, unless specific incidents are described, or text screenshots are taken (I don't think it's a good idea!)

Hawk, I have not got to reading your original story. It must have been a long time ago, since you have been around for many years more than me. I am still slowing reading against the flow of time, and hopefully will get to  read your original posts too. My cousin is really, really shy, but also reasonable, and I believe my cousin would be fine with an anonymous account of what happens between us. I look forward to the day when we can sit down and go through this site together (preferably next to me ^_^ tehee)

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carthapango,

Yeah, it was back in March of 2010. I had been lurking on occasion for about a year before that. I joined so I could reply to a young member who had a bad angst over his situation. I helped walk him through it, and the last we heard, they were officially an "item", but still hiding it from family. As he described it, they had become expert at hiding it. I just re-read me post, and, my how things change. I'm not married anymore, but, as I surmised in that post, Cuz and I aren't together, and never will be. I also mentioned her "boys", but she just has one daughter and one son. It is her sister who has three boys. I had met them, and one of those boys looks so much like Cuz's son, I thought he was her son also. I may go back and edit that part of it, since I can, as a Mod.  :tongue: :evil:

When your comfort level is there, feel free to post a little more about your situation. It's probably not any too far out of line from other stories posted at some time or another. Keep it anonymous, and it should be fine.

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Yeah, like Hawk said, as long as you don't mention details that your cousin could obviously pick out, I think you're fine.

I've been a lot looser with what I say about my situation, but, I'm almost 100% positive that my cousin has no clue this site exists, much less that I am on it.  Share what you feel comfortable sharing. I'm sure you'll love it here. Every one I've met so far has been great and really supportive. :)

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