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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Cali chica

How can we make this work?

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My cousin and I discovered about a year ago that we both have loved each other pretty much our whole lives. We had 2 sexual encounters when we were younger but never really talked about it to see what it meant to each of us. We have lived on opposite coasts our whole lives but used to see each other about once  year for family reunions and such. Our family is rather large and as our generation got older the reunions stopped except for weddings and funerals. Our Last encounter and last time seeing each other was 17 years ago. I am now 40 and he is 44. We got back in contact with each other a year ago and it has been awesome!!! We have seen each other 3 times in the past year and again...awesome!! However, we are both married with kids. We have never been in love with our spouses but married because "that's what you are suppose to do". My husband and I are like close friends. His wife however, is verbally abusive to him in front of his kids and she spends money uncontrollably so he works all the time to pay off bills. He says he wants to stay married for the kids until they are 18. He was a product of divorce and doesn't want that for his kids. Our Mothers, who are sisters, would freak out if they knew. I just want to be happy and be with him. I believe everything can be worked out and yes, people will be hurt, but that is part of life. Who hasn't been hurt? I believe everyone will be able to cope and heal.  I struggle at times with him because he goes through phases where he feels guilty about our situation and our secrecy. He feels he doesn't deserve to be happy because of past mistakes in his life. Its as if he continually punishes himself for his past. During these phases he pulls away from me and doesn't text or call as much and he is not flirty, complimentary or as eager to make plans to see me again as he usually is.  He goes hot and cold. I love the hot..the cold, not so much. I miss him when this happens and I don't know what to do or how to respond. The longest cold phase was almost 3 weeks and I literally thought I was dying on the inside. The not knowing if this is the end or just a phase and he will come back as he always has is devastating to me.  He has said that he will always love me. I get that but will he always want to be with me and have that as his goal when his kids are older? Any thoughts, help, advice would be greatly appreciated.  I know we both love each other very much but it is a tricky situation.

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There's nothing tricky here. You are both married and are off limits to each other.  You are clearly self-centered if you think everyone will eventually get over the pain and live happily ever after. What kind of person says "to hell with the kids involved. My happiness is paramount"? Guilt is making him run hot and cold and that's a good thing. Either work on your own marriage or get out. But don't think for a moment that your selfishness will be rewarded. It's a good thing you're on opposite coasts, it will make getting on with your own life that much easier.

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