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alton1965

how can i get the love of my life to quit worring about what everybody else thin

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alton, why don't you share a little of your story with us? how old are ya'll, how long you've had feelings for each other, etc.... i'm guessing the 1965 in your name is the year of your birth, so that would at least answer the question of how old you are.

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we are both 48 and madly in love we are best friends we do everything with each other, we have been a couple for 4 years and it has bothered her for a while she just wants to feel accepted people at her job makes fun of her and it makes her feel  bad, we have both been in very bad relationships and now we are happy and it seems like other people are controlling our happiness we just want peace

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well, finances depending, maybe we could pick a place in downtown mckinney to have dinner a week from friday. although a weekday might be a better idea, places do get kinda crowded and noisy on weekends downtown. would a weeknight work better for ya'll? it can't be this week, we have too much going on.

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alton1965,

To your original question in this thread, my answer is bring her here. Have her look around. Maybe she has already, and is still nervous. And, listening to foolishness out of people she only thought were smarter than they are, and not near as smart as THEY think they are.

At any rate, I don't know if you've been lurking in the last 4 years or not, but, I've been here about that long or maybe a little longer. I've told my tale several times, and expanded on it many other times in various threads. I'll try to do the Reader's Digest version again for you two. My cousin and I are the same age. As in, a week to the day apart. We are second cousins, but were practically like siblings during our formative years. We've met. My user name could be Hawk1962 for the same reason yours is alton1965. We have 3 years on you two. When we were 20, through a series of events, we had what we call our "moment". For reasons uncannily similar to your cousin's reservations, we walked away from it. She was SO worried about what people would say. I don't think she was worried about what her Mom would say. She knew. We made it obvious to her. Yes, her chin hit the floor, but, once she recovered her composure, she got a big grin, and never mentioned it, or asked about it. My Mom loves Cuz like a daughter anyhow, so she would have had no problem with it either. It was just the stigma, and what her friends, fellow students (studying in a medical area) and co-workers (pay to train deal available at the time) would think, AND say. I, on the other hand, wouldn't have cared less. I would have, in fairly short order, had they had the gall to say something in front of me, told them to take a long walk off a short pier. Probably not nearly so diplomatic, but, you get the picture. But, she's always been overly concerned that people think highly of her, and, it's worked. People do think highly of her. Then again, from what I hear from my friends, people think highly of me too. I've always tried to do right by people. I can't think of a time I've intentionally went into a situation trying to screw someone over. I've gotten screwed over because of it, but I've learned a trick or two in dealing with the users and abusers. Eventually, I get an a$$ full, and show them that short pier. She doesn't like to see me be that way, (and it usually isn't pretty) so, that probably played into it too. Mind you, this was back in (IIRC, the 80's are such a blur) early 1983ish. There was no internet as such, and no readily available access to the information here on this site.

Now, here we are, going to be 52 this Friday and next, respectively. Looking back, I think she sees she could have let me handle the drama, and shown her how to handle it when I wasn't around, and we could have made a go of it. But, even at this late date, she's STILL worried about what people would say. (Since we've re-connected, and I've lit a fire under her in other areas of her life, she has gotten more assertive and less tolerant of silly sh*t, but still, it's there.) And, there would be some nasty things said. There have already been things said, and there is nothing going on, nor will there ever be now. We've aired it all out, we're fine with where we were, where we went, where we went afterwards, and, especially, where we are now. She has a long term BF, I have a wonderful GF, we have no stomach for cheating, and certainly no stomach for the drama that goes with that, cousins or not. 

I stuck around here to advise members in their late teens/20ish on how they should proceed, so as to minimize/prevent early drama, and prepare for eventual drama, when they are in a position to go for it. In the last year and a half or more, I've increasingly found myself advising folks in our age group. The two types of advice could probably not vary further. I tell the younger crowd to put things on the back burner, get independent, THEN go for it. They have all the time in the world. I tell members in our age group to get on with it, as the clock is ticking. I'm not a lawyer, we don't give legal advice, and there is that little matter of location for you, and THAT is my ONLY concern for you two. I doubt I need remind you, time marches on. It's marching. None of us are getting any younger. If you have the chance to be happy with your other half, then you would be wise indeed to hang on for all you're worth. I don't suffer busybodies well at all. They get THEIR life to live, and living it vicariously through others is not acceptable. Who the hell are they to judge? In your locale, I would probably be a little more diplomatic than normal, but the topic would be closed. Period. I would not entertain the subject further. In the workplace, it would be considered a hostile environment, and I would make it known that it is. I would say "I know the facts, it is not what you say it is, and your comments are hurtful, and create a hostile work environment. I won't talk about this topic again, and I would ask that you don't either. Thank you very much".

Of course, I'd be looking for friendlier environs too, but I know very well, at our ages, how difficult that can be. We will help you as best we can, to work with what you have.

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